Can you fix me? (One Direction Self Harm Story)

Chapter 13

2 Months Later..

Samantha's POV:

"Hey, babe." Zayn says while throwing his keys on the counter and giving me a kiss. "Hey, how was work?" I ask. "Fine." he answers while grabbing an apple. "How was your day?" he asks. "Alright. I cleaned up a bit here." I answer. "Where's everyone else?" he asks. "Harry, Liam, and Louis went to go see a movie, and Niall and Jamsine went to the arcade." I answer. "You didn't want to go?" he asks. "Not really. Just felt like staying home today." I answer. "Hm. What have you eaten today?" he asks. Ugh. He asks me this every day ever since he found out about my eating disorder. I've been getting better, but I don't think I'll ever fully forget about food and worry about the numbers. "Umm, for breakfast I had scrambled eggs and toast and for lunch I had a peanut butter sandwhich and an apple." I answer. "That's my girl." Zayn says while smiling at me. "Well, I guess you know what time it is now then..." he says. "Weigh in?" I ask even though I knew the answer. He nods. I groan but I obey and head to the bathroom while Zayn follows me. I take off all my clothes so I'm just in my bra and underwear. I don't care that Zayn's there....I mean he is my boyfriend and he's seen me naked before. I still feel self concious of my body but Zayn would've ended up making me do this anyway. I take a deep breath and step onto the scale. Before I told them about my anorexia I weighed 98 pounds. So, Zayn is making me get to atleast 120 pounds before I can be trusted on my own with this. I looked down at the scale and it flashed 121.6. "Yes! Way to go, Sam!" Zayn cheers. I look at him and he seems so proud of me....but am I proud of myself? "Let's celebrate tonight. Lets go out with the guys and Jasmine." he offers. "Yeah, okay." I say while smiling. "Can you give me a minute? I just want to take this all in." I ask. "Sure. I'll go call everyone else and let them know we're going out tonight." he says and then walks out of the bathroom. 121? 121 pounds? I know I should be happy, but I'm not. I looked at myself in the mirror and all I could think was fat fat fat. "No, sam stop....this is ana talking. Zayn is so happy for you. Be happy for yourself. You're recovering. Do not slip into your old habits." I though to myself. I took a shaky breath and put my clothes back on and walked out to the living room. "Zayn, you know what today marks?" I ask. "Hm?" he hums. "I'm 2 months self harm free." I say while smiling. "I know, and I'm so incredbily proud of you. And now that your weight is restored we won't have to do weigh ins anymore and I won't monitor you because I feel like I can trust you with this. Don't let me down, okay?" he says. "I won't. I love you." I say. "I love you too, babe." he says. He turned some weird show on and decided to watch it. I would be lying if I told you I didn't miss the feel of the blade on my skin but I had to stay strong for Zayn. I had too....

"Sam! Are you ready yet?" Jasmine calls out. We were going out to a nice fancy dinner somewhere to celebrate. "Yeah, give me a minute!" I yelled back. Tonight I'm wearing a dress with white long sleeves and a blue bottom. My hair is just going to be natural, and I used a little bit of mascara but that was it. I walked downstairs where everyone else was waiting. "Ready?" I asked them. "You look beautiful, baby." Zayn says. "Thanks, you don't look half bad yourself." I teased. We all headed to our cars and headed to Alla Famigila. I've never been there, but apparently the food is to die for. I know this night was suppose to be for me, but I actually felt quite sad because of the number I saw on the scale. Fat. Ugly. Worthless. Cow. Disgusting. The words kept replaying in mind. Why did I let myself get to this weight again? I looked over at Zayn who was jamming out to the music that was playing in the car....he looked so happy....I couldn't let him see me like that ever again. I started to scratch at my hand to try and get Ana to leave my head. "Are you okay?" asks Zayn. "Hm..what?" I ask suddenly realizing what I was doing. I looked at my hand and it was really red. "Oh, yeah...just had an itch." I say. "Must be some itch." he says. I don't reply and instead I look at the window trying to ignore Ana's words. "We're here!" Jasmine shouts. I chuckle quietly at her because she seems way more excited than I am about this. We head into the reasturant and get our reservation. As we sit down I notice a rather cute boy staring at me. I mean he's cute, but I'd never date him because obviously I'm in a relationship with Zayn. I kept looking over at him, and he smiled and winked. Did this boy like me or something? I ignore him for awhile while we ordered our food. I decided on getting a dish of lasagna with parmesan cheese with a glass of water. "We're so proud of you, Samantha. You've come a long way." Niall said and the rest of them nodded in agreement. "Awe, thanks guys!" I say. "Sam, you have no idea how proud I am of you. I was hurt to see you that broken, but now I'm seeing you thrive with happiness. I'm so proud of you for overcoming self harm and that eating disorder" But I didn't overcome it. Sure, I gained weight but Ana is still in my head. I hate looking like this. I hate having a full stomach. I want to starve again. "So, I got you this." Zayn finishes while handing me a box. "Zayn, you shouldn't have...." I start. "No, I wanted too. Open it." he says. I open the box and there lays...a necklace! It was so beautiful! It was gold and silver, and it had two hearts intertwined together. "Oh my gosh. It's beautiful! Thank you." I told him. "You're welcome, babe. I love you." he said. I gave him a kiss, and then he put the necklace on me. I finished eating my dinner, and then I saw someone walking up to our table. It was that boy that kept staring at me. "Hey, beautiful. So, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking at me. Wanna go out on a date sometime?" he asks. Who does he think he is? "First of all, YOU were looking at me. Not the other way around. And I have a boyfriend." I reply. "Oh, yeah? Where is he?" he asks. I point to Zayn, and Zayn says "Is there a problem?" "Girl, you could do way better than him." he says to me. "Okay, listen here. I'm in love with this guy and he's more of a man then you'll ever be. So, I suggest you get out of here. Now." I say back. "Fine. Didn't like you anyway. You're a fat cow. I saw you scarf down that lasagna. Geez. You already weigh like 300 pounds." he says. I felt hot tears stream down my face. He was right. Why had I let myself get to this weight? I have to change it. I'll just hide it from Zayn. "Get out of here now before I knock your teeth out." Zayn says to the boy through clenched teeth. I saw the boy smirk and then walk out of the reasturant. "What he said isn't true...he's just mad because you turned him down." Jas says trying to comfort me. "Um, excuse me. I need to go to the restroom. Please don't follow me....I'll be fine." I say while getting up and heading to the bathroom. I need to purge.

Relapse. I just relapsed. I hated myself for it, but it felt so good. I stood up, and walked out of the stall to watch my hands. Luckily, I was the only one in here. I saw myself in the mirror. God, you're a mess. That's all I could think about myself. I rinsed my mouth and fixed my hair and then headed back out to the table. "You okay?" Zayn asks. "Yeah, just need to use the restroom." I lied. "What that guy said was a bunch of bulls-" Liam started but I cut him off. "I know. I've come this far and I'm not gonna let some douche ruin it." I finish. They all nodded and went back to eating. I sat there quietly waiting for them to finish. "Do you want dessert?" Zayn asks me. "No, thanks." I reply. "But they have peanut butter ice cream. You're favorite!" Zayn says trying to persuade me. "No, I feel really full." I said. "Alright...if you say so." Zayn jokes and then returns back to the menu. They all ordered their ice cream, and as soon as they were done eating it we left the reasturant. We all packed back into the car and started to head back to the house.

As soon as I got home I plopped onto the bed. Hmph! I was so tired. I was so thankful to have friends like the guys and Jasmine, and a boyfriend like Zayn. They've helped me through a lot, but I'm not sure I want recovery anymore. I walked into the bathroom, shut the door, and locked it. I stared at my body in the mirror. I want to be skinny, and I'm going to be. I know I said I was going to do this for Zayn, but I just can't anymore. I'll just hide it better. He'll think I recovered, and I'll be getting skinny....best of both worlds, right? I'm going to restict my calories to 500 a day, and then I'll fast at least 1 day a week. I started to look around the bathroom, and thats when my eyes laid upon it. A razor. I grabbed it, and pulled it apart to get a blade. Should I do this? It's been so long....maybe just one cut? I put the blade to my wrist and...

Slice.

Oh my gosh....I forgot how good this feels. The next thing I know I have about 15 cuts up my arm. I dropped the blade, and then I realized what I had done. I was 2 month clean and I broke it. For what? It felt good, but now I feel terrible. What is Zayn going to think when he finds out? Wait, it's fall....it won't be unusual to wear long sleeves all the time. Just hide it. He won't notice. I quickly bandaged up my arm just in case anyone was suspicious of where I was. I took the blade in my hand and taped it to the underside of the sink. I peered out of the bathroom door and thankfully Zayn wasn't in the bedroom. I walked over to the dress and grabbed sweat pants and a hoodie and changed into them. I crawled up onto the bed and curled up under the blankets and dozed off.

(A/N: I know it kind of sucked!! Sorry! Haven't updated in so long....)