Can you fix me? (One Direction Self Harm Story)

Chapter 17

Samantha's POV:

I slept on the couch last night since Zayn was really mad at me. I understand though. I mean he did spend all this time planning and creating a party for me and he bought this really expensive dress for me.....which reminds me I need to return that so I can get his money back and hopefully it'll help at least a little. Why do I screw everything up? I just make everybody around me miserable. I got up from the couch and cracked every bone in my body. Geez! That couch is not easy on you. I think everyone else is sleeping so I guess now would be a good time to return the dress. I went upstairs and put my hair in a messy bun and changed into jeans and a plain t-shirt. Zayn was still sleeping and I was being careful not to wake him up. I quietly grabbed the dress and jewelry from the closet and got the receipt from his wallet. I went back downstairs and went out to my car....hopefully I can return it without any problems and they'll stop being angry with me.

"How can I help you?" asks the store clerk. "Hi, um I'm hear to return a dress and some jewelry." I explain. "Receipt?" she asks. I handed her the receipt and examined it and then typed something up on the computer. "This hasn't been worn, correct?" she asks. "Yes, it's never been worn." I tell her. She types a few more things on the computer and then a new receipt prints out. "Ok, here is your $300. Have a nice day." she says while handing me the money. $300??? I looked at the receipt and realized that the dress was $175 and the jewelry was $125. "Thanks, you too." I replied. I went back out to my car and then headed over to Taco Bell. I really shouldn't do this but I'm going to binge. I need something to distract me from all of this shit going on and purging after a binge seems to do just that. I of course went through drive thru....I was not about to let all of those people see me order all of this! I got 4 soft tacos and a 12 pack of cinnabons and a large diet coke. Hopefully the others will still be asleep by the time I get home so I can purge there.

Oh my god. I feel absolutely disgusting. Why did I eat all of that food? I'M DISGUSTING AND I DESERVE TO DIE. I ran to the downstairs bathroom and threw it all up. I rinsed my mouth out and just sat on the bathroom floor. I started to cry. Why can't people see how much pain I'm in? How much I hate myself? I need help. This is a cry for help but no one can hear. I heard someone come down the steps since the bathroom is right besides the steps. I got up and brushed myself off. I wiped the tears away and walked out to see who it was. It was Harry. "Good morning." I quietly say. "Oh, hey Sam. Good morning." he said back. Is he not mad? "Um, are you guys still mad at me?" I ask. He sighed. "None of us are mad except maybe Zayn....we're just kind of disappointed that you didn't show up even though you said you'd be home by 8." he said. "I know, and if I knew you guys were throwing a party I would've been. I'm sorry. I just...I don't know." I said. Harry gave me a small hug and walked out of the kitchen with his coffee. Well, at least I know one person in this house doesn't completely hate me. I felt someone else come into the kitchen and I looked to see who it was and it was....Zayn. "Hi." I said. He didn't even look at me. "Um, here." I said while rummaging through my purse to find the bundle of money. I handed it to him and he just looked at it. "What's that?" he asks. "I returned the dress and the jewelry and got your money back. I thought it'd help..." I explained. "Help? Really, Samantha? I don't want the stupid money." he said. "Please...just take it." I begged. My eyes started to water. Then I saw everyone else come in. Not one of them could look me in the eyes. I felt a tear roll down my face. "What will it take to make this better?" I asked them all. "We just want to know why you're acting so different. You're acting distant again. You're always with that new girl Ashley, you've been getting mad at Zayn lately, and you never want to do anything with us." Jasmine said. I looked at her and then Zayn. I looked at the ground and started to say "Can't you guys see? I'm getting-" I stopped myself. I almost told them I was getting bad again....they can't know. Not this close to Christmas. "You're getting what?" Niall asked. "Um, nothing. Look. I'm sorry. I really am. I made a mistake. Please can you guys forgive me? I didn't know you guys were doing anything for my birthday and if I did I would've made sure I was there. It's almost Christmas and I don't want to fight with you all because of a party..." I said. "It's not about the damn party! It's about you never wanting to do anything with me. I spent $300 on those fucking gifts for you and you just blew it off because of your new friend." Zayn yelled. "I know, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, okay? I'm a terrible person. Fuck...I can't do anything right. I got your fucking money back. I tried. I'm trying to make this better." I yelled back. He look shocked. I threw the money at his chest and ran upstairs. I went up to the attic...this is where I read, write, think. I know Zayn isn't mad at me for not being at the party...it's the gifts he's mad about and I broke my promise. I got out my notebook and started to write.

December 4, 2014

Dear Journal,

My birthday did not go as planned. I had a good time with Ashley but I also broke a promise to my friends and they threw this party for me and Zayn bought me expensive gifts but I didn't even bother to show up. Jasmine, Niall, Liam, Louis, and Harry aren't upset with me anymore but Zayn's still pretty mad. I got his money back and apologized. I don't know how to make this better. I almost told them that I was relapsing but I stopped myself. Maybe I should tell them? No, that's stupid. Why would I even think that? Ugh...my mind is racing with all of these thoughts. I want to cut, starve, purge, and I'm suicidal. I have all of these feelings and no one to tell them too. This stupid fight with Zayn is making it all worse. I just want things to be okay between me and him again.....

Love, Samantha.

I close my journal and put it back on the shelf. I heard a knock on the attic door and everyone but Zayn came in. "Hey." I said. "Hey, um we just wanted to see if you were okay?" Jasmine says. "Yeah, I'm fine. You guys aren't upset with me?" I ask them. "Of course not. We were a little upset last night but it was just a party. You were having fun with Ashley....besides it was your birthday. You can spend it however you wanted." Niall said. I smiled lightly. "Yeah....but I should've been spending it with my boyfriend." I said. That's when it hit me. I ditched my closest friends and boyfriend for some girl I only met 3 days ago. Don't get me wrong...I had a lot of fun with Ashley and I know we'll be great friends but the people right in front of me have been here forever. They were there through it all. I should've been here with them. They put in all of this work for me because they loved me but I threw it in their faces. "Um, excuse me...I need to go talk to Zayn." I said while pushing through them and out of the door. I started to run down the hall but I ran into someone. I ran into Zayn. All I could do was hug him. I cried into his chest. "I'm so sorry. I should've been here with you....not a girl I've known for 3 days. You've been there for me through everything and it's like I gave up on you. I wish I could redo last night." I felt him hug me back....I was relieved he forgave me. He kissed the top of my head. "It's okay. I may have overreacted a bit. Thank you for getting my money back and I appreciate the effort. I just wish you were there with my last night." he said. I looked up into his eyes. "I know...I wish I was there with you too. It was my fault. Can we celebrate my birthday tonight?" I asked. He nodded. I kissed him and called the others out. It's time to celebrate a late birthday! I'm so glad Zayn and I made up....I couldn't live without him.

(Hey! So, I updated again! What do you think of this chapter? It is alright? Did you think they were to mad at Sam or is it okay? I don't know...I just want this story to be good. Thank you all for reading! Love you guys.)