Everlasting

Chapter 55

The days fly with Mila around, I felt comfort and peace, like part of me had begun to heal. It was nice hearing little giggles, and seeing her smile, and make a mess with her food. I loved it, but Hardin didn't. He hated the mess, her smiles irritated him, and her giggles just pissed him off. I wasn't sure why he disliked her so much, if it was because she's a baby, a rogue, or just because we lost ours.

With time, all good things come to an end.

Mila wouldn't stop crying, and no matter what I did she didn't want it. Food, bum change, a bath, toys, attention, I even took her to the pack doctor because I thought something was really wrong with her. Until I realised that the one thing she wanted, needed...I took from her.

Her mother.

That feeling, knowing she still cries for a woman she probably doesn't even remember, it breaks my heart. Suddenly her cries made me sad, and her laughter broke my heart, her smile just reminding me that she isn't mine. That I will never see my own pups at this age, they will never giggle, or make a mess, they will never say their first word or learn the alphabet.

All the things that I thought I was finally getting past, just become more painful. As I fell into depression, Hardin finally began to accept Mila. When I couldn't even bare to look at her face anymore, Hardin was playing peek-a-boo.

I felt awful, knowing it's not the baby's fault, but I just hated her. I couldn't stand being around her, because all I felt is agony. Hardin did his best to make sure I was eating, and drinking, and he provided as much comfort as he could. But I didn't want it, I just wanted to be left alone, in the silence of our bedroom.

Hardin gave me space, as much as I needed, figuring time will help me heal. Days became weeks, and then months, in that time I had lost weight, I was barely eating, barely sleeping, the nightmares were back, sometimes I sat around in pyjamas for days, or I would wake up and just lay in bed.

I was mentally broken, and when the Elders came to take Mila to her new home, I asked them for help.

*

"When did these feelings start?"

"About a month after Mila was brought to us." My voice is quiet, exhausted.

"Do you recall anything that could have potentially triggered these feelings?" The man asks me softly.

I didn't raise my eyes from my hands, crushing guilt, and shame consuming me. It's fresh in my mind, it feels like it only happened yesterday.

"No." I whisper.

Doctor Kaleb exhales quietly, calmly. "You have to be honest with me, Katalayha. This room is a safe space, just between me and you, without any judgement."

No judgment. I silently repeat, wanting to scoff. My whole life I have been judged.

"You can't tell me that you're not sat there judging what I am, what I've done." I say, meeting the doctors eyes for barely a second.

"I choose to help people, no matter who they are, or what they've done. You asked for help, and I'm going to...but you have to help me, so that I can do that." Dr. kaleb tells me, so calm, so assuring that I didn't feel uncomfortable.

Talking about my past? Yeah, that's a little more than uncomfortable but that's why I'm here. I have to go back, so that I can move forwards.

My leg begins to bounce slightly, a action of nerves as I nod my head, agreeing to tell him whatever he wants to know.

"Good, now...the potential triggers." He says, leaning back in his chair as he gets more comfortable.

"I had pups...two boys, and a girl." I finally admit the words out loud, and it hurt just as much as I'd imagined it would. Like a fresh wound carved into my chest.