scars // johnnie guilbert

chapter 18**

[this chapter contains: self harm. please read safely.]

johnnie's pov:

i fall on my bed and start sobbing into the pillows.

what's wrong with me? do i have weight problems now?! another pain on my back? wow, how great!

storm pushed me to eat tonight and without having a choice, i did. the pizza was really good and it felt nice to eat without worrying. and no, i haven't throw up the food. i surprisingly never did that.

truth is, i was never so insecure about my body to the point where i wouldn't eat for a whole day. i've skipped meals before, of course i did, but that's it.

i got up to my feet and walked to the bathroom. i looked at myself in the mirror and slowly pulled up the hoodie from my head, that way i can see my body. i think she might be right. i'm skinny and i need to eat more. i've been skipping some meals lately for almost a week and it's not healthy at all.

but why do i still see myself as a fat emo freak?

i sigh and sat down at the bathtub. i looked at my arms. i have scars all over and i can't let storm know about this. she's gonna be disappointed and broken. the scars are covering up my skin like tattoo sleeves.

maybe i should find a new place to cut, such as my stomach. that way i can lose more weight. shit! no! umm..my thighs maybe? i think that's a better idea.

i opened up my makeup box and pulled out the cold little piece of metal. i took off my jeans and sat down at the corner of the bathtub. i'm so fucking nervous, since i've never cut there before. it's probably gonna be the same, but let's hope i won't bleed much.

just as i was about to push the blade into my skin, i heard the door. shit, it's my mom!! why isn't she sleeping? she's working tomorrow morning!?

"johnnie? i left you some food in the kitchen if you're hungry. i'm going to sleep, i have work tomorrow." she knocked couple of times.

the blade dropped from my shaky hands as i clear my voice to talk.

"o-okay mom." i panicked, even tho the door is locked.

"are you alright in there?" she asked the question i love to hear.

"i- yeah. i'm just washing my hair."

washing my hair? where? on the fucking SINK? but i couldn't come up with a better idea. my mind is blurry.

"oh, okay honey. goodnight, i love you!" she yelled from the other side.

"i love you too mom." i said back, making the first cut.

after four cuts on each thigh, there was small dots of blood coming out. it wasn't much, thank god. i can't die tonight.

after i finished, i went to my room and pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. it hurts, not gonna lie, but i'm dealing with mental pain years now. i'm sure i can deal with this.

once i laid to my bed, i grabbed my phone and started typing.

johnnie: i can't come tomorrow
storm 💫: what? why?
johnnie: i think i'm sick..
storm 💫: are you sure? your temperature was fine half an hour ago 😂😂
johnnie: i'm 101% sure
storm 💫: i'll come see you
johnnie: you better not. i give others the flu easily 😴
storm 💫: that's okay! that way we can be both sick :)
johnnie: i'll see you on friday
storm 💫: hello? i said that i'll come over tmrw  🤠
johnnie: you have school. i can't be on my phone much... goodnight

i had to come up with a lie. maybe she would understand if i could spoken up to her, but i don't feel like it. not today.

my phone rang couple of times and i was just laying in bed, with my head looking outside the window. the view wasn't the best, but it had some trees and couple of houses in the distance.

i picked up my phone, since i started getting annoying by the sound. i unlocked it and i had 5 missed calls and 12 texts from storm. i text her a 'i'm fine, stop texting me' and i went under the covers. i turned round and round like a burrito, because i couldn't fall asleep.

ring, ring, ring.

it was my phone. i rolled my eyes but decided to answer this time.

"i told you i'm fine! why are you doing this?" i angrily pushed the covers off me.

"because i don't think you're sick. you can stay in bed tomorrow, but i'll come and see you. i'm not leaving you alone." she sounded worried.

"do whatever the fuck you want. i'm leaving, bye." i said cold stone.

i don't want to fight right now. i want to lay in bed and relax, can i? apparently, not.

"i know how annoying i probably sound, but i'm doing this for you. i want you to get better, johnnie."

"let's drop this, i'm tired." i relaxed my eyes.

"WAIT! one last thing... if you need anything, just text me. or even, come over, we're not that far away haha." i heard her small laugh.

it was a fake laugh full of worry. i hope she's not worried because of me. she's too good for me. my lips formed a smile and i lick my lips, feeling anxious again. it's sweet she cares about me that much.

"thanks for caring about me and i'm sorry for being such a dick right now. i guess i'm just tired." i stare at my left arm now covered up in bracelets.

"i can't believe you just apologized for that, but anyways. i'll wake you up tomorrow, go get some rest."

"thanks again. see ya." i hang up with a smile.

maybe i should gain sone weight. for myself, storm and specially, mike. he doesn't deserve to see me like this. this horrible night, i promised to keep going. sadly, we've moved from this small town couple of years ago and i can't go to his grave to talk to him, but i have pictures on my phone. millions. he always used to steal my phone to take dumb selfies, but we have pictures of us together too. most of them are goofy, but we have some "serious" ones too.

i need to stop thinking. i unlocked my phone and played some music through my earphones. i put on bring me the horizon, because i love this band. yes, i listen to other bands too except my chemical romance, surprise!

hey emos! i forgot to post last year (lol got it?) so here's first chapter of 2021 🍕

i honestly couldn't be happier that this year is FINALLY over! here's to a better year with more love. 🖤

cya next chapter!