scars // johnnie guilbert

chapter 16**

[this chapter contains: self harm. please read safely.]

johnnie's pov:

i locked the door behind me and fall apart on the bathroom floor. i couldn't wait to get home.

she knows.

one day i forgot to wear my bracelets and this happened!!! i'm such a fucking duchebag. i thought she couldn't see them because i was wearing an oversized hoodie, but for my luck, my sleeve fall down. fucking hell.

i lay my head on the bathtub and just screamed as loud as i could. tears are now streaming down my face and i just can't stop crying. i don't care if neighbors or storm will hear me. i need to get this out of me. thank god my mom was hanging over to an old friend. i don't want her to worry.

just as i thought, my phone started ringing. i sigh and get it out of my jean pocket. i know i can't escape this.

with shaking hands and blurry eyes, i pressed the green button.

"hello?" feeling proud of myself for not stuttering.

"JOHNNIE! I HEARD SCREAMING! ARE YOU OKAY?!" she sounded worried from the other side of the phone.

"yeah, just fine. sorry you heard that." i sniffed my nose.

"you don't sound good. please tell me you didn't hurt yourself, please!" her voice broke at the end.

"n-no, i promise."

but i would, if you weren't calling me.

"i'm coming over." she said monotonous.

"what- no!" i said fast.

"which room are you in?" she pushed, ignoring me.

"storm, i swear-"

"i don't give a fuck, i'm coming over. tell me which room you're in. please." she tries to make me let her in.

"i don't need your comfort, i'm not seven years old, okay?! see you tomorrow at school." i said angry, ending the call.

she can't do whatever she wants. i'm 17 and i can deal with things by myself. what does she think i was doing before i met her?

i got up and opened the second drawer and taken out my box of makeup. nobody knows this, but i have small blades at the bottom of all these eyeliners. that's why the box has a locker.

i thought about today and mike. what today was gonna be like if he was still alive. our midnight texts and all the times we were hanging out on his place and telling our deepest secrets. you don't understand, i was 13 fucking years old. do you know how hard is to live after your best friend commit suicide? it makes you depressed and be scared to even walk in front of people in the streets. i really hope no one will go through that shit.

back to reality now with storm. i fucked everything up. yes, it's as bad as it sounds. keeping my self harm a secret from everyone except my now dead friend and my dad (who he now knows), and suddenly one more person knows, it's awful.

i touched the small cold metal with my fingers and fake a smile. this is definitely not the right thing to do, but i need to release the pain.

this is the only way. i'll just fake a smile tomorrow and no one will notice. just a couple of cuts and i'll be okay.

"hi buddy." i whisper to the razor blade, as i bite my lip to stop the tears from falling.

i sat down the bathtub and roll up my sleeve. when the blade touched my skin, i felt a relief leaving my body.

one cut for being a stupid duchebag.

two cuts for not being there for mike.

three cuts for making storm worry.

four cuts for not being the perfect son or friend.

five cuts for being a disappointment.

tears are running like a river from my eyes, as small dots of blood started appearing on my left hand. i drop the blade and laid back.

how pathetic i am...how a piece of metal can make me so happy?

the blood from my arm started popping out scary much and that's when i realized i need to get gauze. i wash off all the blood and wrapped the gauze around my arm. i pulled down my sleeve and hide the razor blade in the box.

i'm not ready to go out yet. i know i'm currently home alone, but the bathtub just seems to be so relaxing. i closed my eyes trying to relax, but that didn't last longer than a minute as the door started banging.

"JOHNNIE! OPEN THE DOOR PLEASE!" she was trying to unlock the door with some hair clips probably.

good luck, i have the keys in the other side.

i stayed there, not moving a muscle from my body.

"i know you're in there. please unlock the door, let's talk...please?" she was... crying?

i slowly got up and unlock the door. i was right. tears were streaming down her cheeks and her hair was a mess. i back up until i hit the wall. i'm not scared of her, i just hate when people cry because of me.

she run up to me and tried to hug me, but i stayed there. cold stone.

"don't be ashamed of yourself. i'll still be by your side no matter what. my god...i was so fuckin scared of losing you." her voice sounded broken and full of worry.

i finally opened my arms, letting her to hug me. she really does care about me. maybe i should stop being so selfish.

"s-sorry for being such a pain in the ass. i wasn't trying to kill myself." i burried my head inside her jet black hair.

"i know you're having a hard time these last days, but we'll get through this together, okay?" she raised her pinky at me.

i immediately shake my head. i'm not doing this again. no matter what. i'm not.

her eyes went wide open and she dropped her hand. she seemed to forgot about it but thankfully, no.

"i'm not doing pinky swears ever again. i think you know why."

"i know, it was a stupid thing of me. i'm sorry about that." she looked down my arms.

before she would ask me the question we all know, i pulled her in a hug. she was surprised at first, but went with it. i wrapped my arms around her shoulders and stroke hair black hair. she wrapped her hands around my waist and it wasn't the best feeling. i still need to gain some weight.

"movie?" i smiled down at her.

she nod and we made our way to my room.

it's 7 pm so i'm thinking of something scary. horror movies are the best with her. she doesn't scream like a kid when they see a bee and sometimes she's laughing at the jumpscares or even complaining for not being "scary enough". she's the best, i swear.

i let her pick a movie from netflix as i'm laying back, hugging my pillow tight. once she came back, she sat next to me with her head on my chest.

"um, is that okay?" she whisper, causing me to laugh.

"it's not the first time we're cuddling, storm. of course it's okay." i messed up her hair.

hey emos! look at these two little kiddos, they're adorable... 🥺

if you're going through something tough these last days or weeks, remember the weather's not always rainy. the sun will shine one day and it's gonna be sunny again. (chessy as hell, but idc)

love you all, take care of yourselves. 🖤🖤🖤

cya next chapter!