scars // johnnie guilbert

chapter 26**

[this chapter contains: self harm. please read safely.]

johnnie's pov:

storm brought me in a hug and i almost tear up. it's one of these days where i know i'm getting bad again. i know what you may think. i have storm who loves and cares about me, but that doesn't matter. i've been depressed for years now and it only takes a word i said or heard 3 years ago, to make me sad. and this fake relationship i'm having with her? oh my god.. is slowly eating me alive.

i pull back and felt my thighs inching. i have to do something about it.

"why don't you put on a good movie to watch? i'll be here in five minutes." i fake smile.

"uh, sure." she took the remote.

i lock the door behind me and grab my razor blade from my makeup box. my hands are shaking because storm is right in the next room, but i need to release the pain. i need to do this. call me obsessed if you want, maybe i am. no, i am. i know i am.

don't you dare say "why don't you to to therapy?", because i did. a lot of times. i had people watching me 24/7 after i tried to commit suicide. none of these people helped me.

i sat in the bathtub and tugged down my skinny jeans to my ankles. white and red scars had left a mark on my body. it wasn't much, but i think you can definitely see them once i'm wearing shorts.

i took a deep breath and press the cold piece of metal into my skin. i whine in pain, as i still didn't get used to cut in that place before. i bite hard down on my lips. once i'm done, small dots of bood are escaping from my thighs and i press them even more.

i put on my pants and hide the blade in the box. locking it as always. i sat on the cold floor and smile. i'm such a depressed psyco. i lay back on the cold wall and closed my eyes, taking a few breaths.

"johnnie? you've been there for a while now. what's going on?" i heard a couple of knocks.

my eyes are wide open by now and i felt a guilt rushing down my spine. she doesn't deserve this. hell, she doesn't deserve me!

"uh- i-i'm fine." my voice is shaking.

come on johnnie, you got this. you're strong.

"definitely not. why is the door locked?" she sounds worried.

"s-someone must've lock it." i bite my lips, as a tear rolls down my face.

"obviously, jee. listen..whatever you've done, i'm not mad. just..open the door, please?" she spoke softly through the door.

and it worked. it works every time. i unlocked the door and made a few steps back. eyes facing the floor and hands shaking. my heart is beating too fast right now and my breathing goes heavier and heavier by second. you know, the usual.

"what's wrong?" her expression is sad and worried.

should i tell her? but i really don't know. it's everything. my dead best friend, my dad, my anxiety for the party; everything.

"mike. dad. anxiety. everything." i could only spoke out these 4 words.

she kissed my cheek and hugged me tight. we walked back to my room and she took my hands, as we're sitting on the bed.

"i understand...i've been missing my grandparents and mom so much and sometimes i ask to myself; why. but i never get an answer and you know why? because it was meant to happen. everything was meant to happen and will continue to. and we can't stop them, no matter what. someone or something had to take them away from us, only to make us stronger. i know, i know...why did they had to leave. that's a question we'll never get the answer for. all i know is, you're strong and you can get through this. if we're gonna be there for each other, i'm sure we'll be alright. let's not give up and let depression eat us alive, okay?" she stroke my hands and i felt myself relax.

"thank you storm. can we maybe cuddle?" i faced her beautiful chocolate eyes.

she immediately falls into my body and i wrap my arms around her back. her hair smells like vanilla and strawberry on a hot summer day. i enhale the beautiful smell and smile.

after the movie, we kissed a couple of times, because she was too scared to watch the tv, so i had to convince her, i'm here for her. our legs are tangled together and she's laying on my chest. her right leg is over my knee, as i strock her hair.

"i've watched this movie twenty thousand times, but the jumpscares gets me everytime." she giggles.

"yeah, i saw that." i laugh.

she suddenly tosses her leg higher and i toss back my head in pain. please, god, not where i cut!

"i-i'm fine." i quickly said, before she was ready to speak.

"get off your pants." she said firmly, without a second thought.

i shake my head and played with my lip rings. i zoomed out for a bit, but i know i can't escape this.

"please, jee. i don't want to tie you on the bed." she grabs me by my hands, making me sit straight.

i let out a shaky breath and thought for a bit. if i show her, she'll know. she'll definitely check on me, other than my wrists.

i'm fucked. god, i'm so fucked. i hate myself even more now.

without having a choice, i slowly tugged down my jeans. i covered my face with my hands and lay back in embarrassment.

i flinched when she made circles around my scars. i felt some kisses too, so i opened my eyes and she was kissing every single scar.

"i- you're a beautiful girl storm.. you don't deserve a loser like me. i mean, look at my body... i have scars everywhere, fucks sake!" i yell, feeling my heart beat fast, once again.

"that doesn't make you less valid and loveable. i'd rather be with you, than anybody else." she gave me a warm smile.

the room suddenly got really warm when she grabs my face and kiss me softly. the kiss is passionate and my tongue is asking for entrance. she gladly lets me and her hands are lost in my hair. i gently placed my hands on her waist and we made out for a while.

"you're so stupid. you just kissed this loser in front of you." i smile, looking down my arms.

"but i like this loser in front of me. he's really caring and handsome. his smile makes my day and he has beautiful, sparkling, blue eyes. the kind you get lost in there and i guess i did." she smile, once again, showing off her perfect teeth.

"you're so pretty storm. and everything i've ever wanted." i kiss her hand and she blush like crazy.

hey emos! school starts this monday and the tests are gonna hit me like andy biersack's scream on «perfect weapon» 🥲

also, my life's pretty stressed right now because school starts and all this covid thing... shit's got really bad 🥶🥶 but i try to be calm. hey, fake it till you make it, they say!

cya next chapter!