Wish: A Hamilton Fanfiction

Chapter 10: Cracking Down

It got harder. It didn't seem like rehearsal could get much harder but it did. A lot harder. Everywhere I was surrounded by absolutely incredible triple threats. Of course we could all act, and sing, after all we were in a musical. But the dancing was something I had yet to master. I felt so bad when I tripped over Carson for the thousandth time during some particularly complicated choreography, especially because he was an amazing dancer. He had to be one of the best of the principal actors, only second to some of the ensemble because their job was to dance. And the look he gave me every time it happened, like he was trying so hard not to yell at me, yet it was easy for him not to. He was so good to me, practically begging for a favor I didn't believe I could return. 

Seeing him was so hard. 

Mariah was getting closer to him, getting closer to her own happiness, but I couldn't help feeling that all of it was my fault. If I could just like him back, we'd solve half the problems already. But...somehow I couldn't bring myself to like him. Yet, at least. 

I studied him all the time, memorizing the angles of his face, the way his hair fell around his face. I realized I probably looked like a cross between a stalker and someone who really liked him. I stopped after that. Everywhere I turned something reminded me of love and like and relationships; I felt like I was going insane. 

That night Noelle and I watched a bunch of random things on Netflix and just talked about rehearsal, and what we wanted to do with our lives. Noelle planned on studying graphic design in college; though acting was her passion, she'd been waiting to go into graphic design for as long as she could remember. Acting was more of a side hobby she loved doing. "How do you think this show is going to change our lives?" she asked suddenly.

"What?" I asked, confused.

"I mean, how is being in this show going to...change your life? Your life won't be the same once you get out of here." 

"Well...I think it'll have done something for my confidence maybe?" I attempted. "And I stood up to my parents to get here."

Her head immediately turned sideways. "What happened?" 

"Well...let's just say my parents think I have more potential and better strengths outside of acting...they didn't want me to go this route but one of my close friends supported me and now, here I am. Musical theater is something that is such a huge part of my life that I couldn't help needing to start something that I could use to help myself. And now, to be here, with the Hamilton cast...it's a crazy dream come true. And I shouldn't even be here."

"But we couldn't do it without you, Zoey. You're the one who it all started with, before the audition processes and emails and others dreams coming true, you wrote one letter. One letter! And you completely changed the lives of everyone else who's in this program. And those who will be in this program." 

"I guess....I guess I did do that. I'm just really happy that I have a family who actually supports me and shares my passion," I smiled. The rest of the conversation was less serious as we talked about things like our favorite candy and our friends that weren't from the production.

Going to bed that night I couldn't help but be afraid that my new family would stop supporting me if they knew how wrong I seemed to be turning. No, this is normal, isn't it? It's confusing to everyone and it's going to be fine. I could never calm my thoughts down, as usual. I fell asleep even more confused and worried than usual.

The next day at rehearsal things felt more relaxed than they had the entirety of this program. We'd finally settled into a routine and it was something we all wanted to do our entire lives. Nothing had ever felt more right, I realized as I stood in the audience. All through the first half of rehearsal I tracked Phillipa as she made her way across the stage. Thankfully her choreography was a lot simpler than many others', but my clumsy self still managed to ruin things. By the time we ate lunch I realized I felt a little better about my dancing skills. 

"It just takes practice," Claire laughed. Of course she'd been dancing practically her entire life. Amelie hit me on the shoulder. 

"I think you might be worse than me, and I have to re-learn how to dance!" she joked. We all burst out laughing. I was incredibly lucky to have found so many friends. Mariah stood up to tell Carson something she'd noticed about the way he did choreography during My Shot (apparently she noticed something he kept messing up and just had to tell him about it) and Noelle took that as her nudge to run over to Charlie. Her face lit up as they started talking about art as she pulled a sketchbook out of her bag to show a logo she'd been designing. Yes, Noelle was the one who was designing the BroadwayWish logo; knowing her it would look amazing. 

Skylar and Amelie started getting into a conversation about one of the ensemble numbers, and Claire...she just looked at me. It felt like she was the only one in front of me at that moment. Too soon, it was over, and we were rushing back to the stage. 

"I just want some sing-throughs of mostly solos, I think you all should get to know each other's parts a little...I know this is on the spot but this will prepare you for the stage and performing in front of others," Lin explained. I was surprised that he was able to make everyone listen to him. "Mariah, you first, I want Say No to This. As much as you can."

Mariah started singing and literally, the entire room went silent. Jazzy looked so proud of her shadow that we all started applauding.

"Zoey, Helpless, I think this is what's going to need the most energy." I was nervous but I started singing, looking Carson in the eye, but I didn't feel it. I couldn't do the song.

"Stop, let's try something different, try to imagine what Eliza is imagining right now," Lin advised. I tried as hard as I could but I needed an image to do that. And my image was Carson; couldn't get him out of my head. I knew I was failing but I couldn't let my fellow program members down, so I looked around the circle, hoping to find something to help me. And...somehow I think I did. 

And I did it, sang Helpless like I was giddy in love but nervous at the same time.

Eliza Schuyler (soon to be Hamilton).

Me.

a/n

v2 of this chapter now

please not me talking about my own experience with acting and my parents 🙄

this book is cheesy af what the hell

enjoy-