Angels

Its fine. It's fine. I'm okay. I'm okay. I kept telling myself the same thing over and over again but I still couldn't calm down.

I seemed quiet and lovely person outside but intrinsic world? It was more messed up than leaving earphones and coming back, seeing it all tangled.

Anxiety, depression, trauma ... and who knows how much more disorder was living inside me which was still eating me up slowly.

Anxiety somehow got the hold of me at this moment when seeing a child crying and her parents scolding her for humiliating them in the public. Trauma. From back of my mind, demon suddenly crawled up to the front with long claws and embraced anxiety, giving me double attack.

I need to get out. I need to get out. I was a mess. I tried dinding an exit but there seemed to be none. Going around in the crowd feeling suffocated. Adjusting my cap often and hiding my face more and more as I took a step.

"Oh god! I- I'm sorry sir!" I bowed as soon as I bumped into a person.

"It's fine. You okay" he asked me as he put my shoulder. I looked at him and I saw how his expressions changed.

"Please get me out from here. Please" I asked him quietly, begging for help for the first time. He nodded quickly and put his hand around my shoulder as he covered my face and took me outside.

"Come sit here." He lead me to a bench right outside the mall.

I sat down and quickly started tos earth for my meds. My hands were shaking, mind blank, only remembering how mother pulled her kids hair out and slapping her  

"Let me help you. How many of them?" He took the box of meds away and starting putting them out.

"Each of them should be one." I answered while my voice was unstable and running out from breath. Air was no longer enough. Giving me hard time to breath.

He put meds in my hand and also gave me bottle of water.

"Thank you" I whispered after chugging all of them together and waited for them to work.

"What's your name?" He asked, still by my side, not leaving me.

"Mariami, and you are..?" I looked at him from corner of my eye waiting for him to answer me

"Jonghyun. Nice to meet you Mariam"

"Same goes for me." I tried to smile.

"What happened in the mall that triggered you so much?" He asked slowly not sure if it should be asked "it's fine if you don't want to talk about it!"

"I have childhood traumas" I smiled sadly "I was abused for a long time until teachers didn't find out about that and helped me."

I looked at him once again and just realised how dead his eyes were in reality. His eyes hold more sadness then the ground dead bodies.

"You aren't stable one either now are you?" I asked him, earning chuckle from him.

"Depression. But I'm trying to ignore it to be honest. I have people to be happy for you know?"

"But you are neglecting yourself in that case? Like your real self, if not now soon after it will effect you Jonghyun."

"I know but I can't. Everytime I show my real side I get hate" he shrugged, looking down, started playing with his hands.

"But I won't" I whispered, but it seemed enough for him to hear me.

"Thank you..."

"That's me who should be repeating that over and over ..." looking down on the ground, started to count every rock my eyes could find.

"It feels strange"  I mumbled playing with rocks by my feet while swinging them "talking like this to someone I met for the same time and not feeling any anxiety" I laughed dryly. It's not my usual self...

"It does... I haven't had a conversation about this other than my members. Well they do understand pressure but not pain I am in. Hmmm maybe it's me who's weak?"

"No it's not you. It's others who don't care." My alarm rang, reminding me to drink medicine.

"I took those pills too but no use."

"These? They are nothing and it won't fix anyone who's mentally ill. It's just others think it will help us. Such as people who work at mental hospitals. They think they can cure me when it's not the medication that can help me, it's worse. It makes me zoom out from time to time. But I prefer that to numb the pain rather than feel it."

"Then what is it that we need? That me and you need?" He looked at me, white hair falling on the side.

"Person"

"Person? Why?" His eyebrows were automatically brought together, as he was in confusion

"Person and their words or actions can either help you or destroy you. It's up to us what kind of person we choose and how we let them treat us. "

"Ever had that kind of person?"

"Never. That's why I can't get out of my situation. I'm a mess. Really. My intrinsic world is worse than wires messed up."

"Then what are you scared of the most?"

"People"

"But you just said it's person who can help you"

"But I also said that they can destroy you. 99,9% of people are fake. For example. Most people say they worry about their loved ones, but when that person gives you signs they aren't well and are having problems, they turn blind eye on you. But once you die?" I laughed "guess what! They come at your bloody funeral and cry their eyes at you."

"How are you able to convey whatever I feel?"

"Because I'm overthinking 24/24. That's my curse. I overthink everything."

"Will you be my person?" He whispered while getting up and taking my hand, starting to walk towards the already dark streets, which were lit up by light when I stood up.

"You are asking mentally ill girl to be your person who you met like hour or so ago?" I chuckled

"But I'm not mentally stable either?"

"Jonghyunah. I won't be able to help you when I need help myself. Find someone who is stronger than me and is ready to show you the beauty of life which isn't the way I see right now. My world is black and white. There aren't colours, only shades. You need someone with positivity." I started talking, not able to control what I'm saying, anxiety once again getting me.

He suddenly grabbed me by my neck and pulled me closer, embracing me"shh. I just want it to be you. You understand me. And person with positivity as you say, will never."

His scent suddenly calmed me down, my mind went blank and I started breathing normally once again. "I just don't want to fail you or myself" I closed my eyes once again and hugged him, feeling calm for the first time after so long.

"You won't, I believe in you. Let's just help each other out okay? But first. There are some things you don't know of."

A/N: it's the first time I don't know what to say... for me this is not a story I'll enjoy, more of deep one which will make me miss Jonghyun more. By this story I'm Melinda letting you guys into my soul so I'm kinda cautious. I don't have any metal illness other than little stress and once suffered from depression... but I surely do feel more than I should.