Angels

When

"Okay admit it already, it is creepy"

"But come on! We watching horror movie at 3:33am, with no light, spicy food, black candles and ouija board is creepier!" Jonghyun laughed while we were snuggling under the covers

"When I woke up I got scared! It is enough proof that you sleeping with your eyes open is creepy!"

"Yeah, I guess" he forced a smile and shrugged. Something is weighing him down. I know this cause I've been through same thing. Not letting yourself smile because you feel guilty. But his and mine reasons behind this were different. There's no problem in our lives, we just feel like we are the problem and feel all lonely inside. We have been lonely for so long that we are starting to enjoy that moment already. If once we were trying to run away from it, it's part of our lives no matter what we do or try. It's living in us, it's living under our skin and if we are not skinned alive, it won't leave us.

As complexed personality I have, he is harder to read. Maybe more at first but now I see that he doesn't want to talk, maybe just grabbing his hand and squeezing it will be enough since actions are always more than actual words.

"Do you want a hug?" I asked quietly, not wanting to make him uncomfortable

"It wouldn't be bad" he looked at me with those hollow almost dead eyes and breathed out, relaxing his body completely.

I embraced him, it's strange, we have been hanging in like this for almost 2 months already and comfort we bring to each other is immensely high.

We were never able to talk what was going through our head though, just a look and we knew that another one needed help, needed comforting words, needed hope to hang in there.

"Are you still writing that novel?" I asked him, trying to shift his attention since he has been thinking to himself for too long

"Hmm, I should finish it soon though. My solo concert is coming up, as well as Shinee one. Let's do new things, try out new things, we fancy it or not," He breathed out heavily and hung his head low, "lets just try"

"Okay.." I do not know what I meant for him but he was my hope. And seeing him dimming like this made my heart crush, please be the bright person you are in moments, always smile and be happy

People may wonder, what are these two feeling? Have you ever opened your eyes after long nap, still barely able to hol them open and feeling drained and exhausted, even though the amount of sleep you took should be very enough for next week? Have you ever got out from the bed and was barely able to brush your teeth, breathe or even function, let alone do some easy task such as walk. Have you ever just looked around the room, thought about the ways to die but gave up because you are just too scared to face death? Have you ever -

There are too many feeling we have went through but I admire Jjong, even after all of these he has power to smile, and be active or even pretend to be happy in front of his fans, peopele. He pretends to be someone else just to make people like him, he is too scared to be neglected, left alone.

"What about flying yoga? I always wanted to try that" I forced out the smile and put my head on his lap. He was looking down and now I was able to see his eyes better.

"Whatever it is, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Okay. Let's try our new things and try to be new us. Let's just fix the broken or even scattered parts of us which is going to take a long, long time but might as well be worthy of it. " I put my palm on his cheek and slightly patted him, which made him lean in and let his tears roll.

"I'm so tired of me, but I have no enough power, will or strength to fix myself."

"How many gallons of glue do you think we both will need?" I tried to joke, not best at it to be honest but he still laughed, probably cursing me in his head since it was not the best moment for the jokes

"Who knows, maybe even the ocean won't be enough to fill it with glue"

"True"

To be honest, I hate his fans, how come no one sees the major signs which scream help me or save me? He needs to be saved from himself and his thoughts, whereas helped to be better him.

Thousands of fans but none is ready to accept him as real Jonghyun, the real him, the person he is right now with me or by himself. Person, who is barely seen by anyone.

I know I cannot be much help to him but I'm at least willing to be here and know real him right?

"Jjong!" Suddenly idea came to me

"That's the first time you called me that, what's wrong?"  He had small happiness in his eyes as he looked at me waiting for me to elaborate with my sudden joy

"Let's sneak out" I smiled like a cheeky kid and waited for him to realise what I was asking him

"Explain?"

"Let's go to somewhere but leave our phones here and just quit living for others for a week? Like just me and you away from the world!"

"Good idea. But I cannot.."

After pleading him for hours he finally gave in "I might end up dead by my managers hands but okay! I like the idea and it wouldn't be bad either. It's like taking vacation from the life, let's do it"

A/N: how are you guys? I wanted to publish it on his birthday but I had my thoughts so messed up that I wasn't able to write anything.

Listen to his skeleton flower ❤️ to be honest I relate to him more and more. Part of my memories actually are gone too especially of last 3 years, hardest time in my life and in moments I feel like hole, like abyss. There was time in my life when I couldn't smile, and when I did I hated myself, because I thought I didn't deserve to be happy. I've gone much o can say and I'm thankful my mind blocked many of the memories... all of the bad ones are like blurry memories and no matter how I try to remember I cannot...

And like him I hate myself too... more than anything I hate myself.