Angels

Even

Me and Jonghyun stood outside the room, looking st it closet and how it turned out

"Strangely, even though yellow is not my favourite colour, I love this room." I said as I looked around once again

"Yeah. Actually yellow reminds me of you, I don't know why."

"Yellow? Me?" I pointed at myself, confirming it once again. He just nodded at me and looked away, kind of awkward silence filled the room

"Let's furnish this room tomorrow, let's go and buy the things we want! Let it be our hang out room"

"Then we have to make one at my house too, but wait I'll choose the colours!" It's strange. Everything I did with him made me excited, when in other cases I would be dreading to do something.

"Guys dinner is ready!" Onew shouted from the kitchen and we left to eat.

"Thanks for cooking!" I gifted him a small smile as a thank you and dug in I was hungry.

"Jonghyunah! Taste this! It's delicious!" I mumbled and put food on his plate as well.

Do you ever get something like deja vu? Right now it felt more than that. I had a feeling I had seen myself do this but I was looking different and space next to me was empty... who the hell was I talking to?

"Mariam?" Taemin calmed out my name and I shook my head to get back to the world.

"Can I stay over tonight? I don't wanna go home" I mumbled to jonghyun who nodded his head instantly. He knew something was wrong with me and to be honest I felt same towards him. He felt off. Like he was trying to distract himself by spending time with me. I wanted to talk to him about it but ... I still cannot being myself to do so. we are stil strangers. We still do not know each other the way we should.

"It's time for us to leave, it's getting late already" onew said and collected his kids to leave.

"Can I ?" I trailed off, it was awkward to ask it

"Yes you can, I'll give you them, give me a second" and he dug into his wardrobe to find me something comfortable and oversized. Finally he did so, white tee and black shorts.

It sometimes fascinated me how we could read each other's mind, he knew what I was thinking about even without saying it aloud.

"You know you can trust me right? I like a coffin you can burry with your secrets" he stopped setting up the bed and looked at me

"That shouldn't be sounding that depressing but knowing you you meant that literally and exaggeration" true. Once again he got what I was thinking but he was too complicated for me or either it was me who didn't let him in and I'm the one who's scared to read him.

"It's just..." he sighed "there arenmany hate comments and dms as well as dissing and so on, I read some of them today and that's why I feel down."

"That's only one side of the story now isn't it?"

"True... but does depression need any reason to hunt you?" I shook my head. None. It needs none. It chases you for free.

"Do you think we will ever come out from this abyss?"

"Has anyone ever come out of the black hole? You are practically asking me the same thing"

"Yeah but we need something to hold on right? To survive. I don't know how to comfort you so umm want a hug?" I opened my arms and stood in front of him. He was sitting on the bed and just pulled me towards him, tightly locked his hands around my waist and hugged me tightly. I just wrapped my hands around his head and played on his hair to let him know I'm here.

"Come lay down"he did and tickled me in the duvet cover, this time hugging me properly and putting his head on my heart"

"It's nice" he whispered

"What is?"

"Listening to the heart beat, how heart works so hard to keep us alive but we still not appreciate it. But listening to it still let's us know a person is alive."

"Hmm" I have thought about this before, but never had a person who's heartbeat I could listen to. When I say I have been alone my whole life, I mean it.

We fell asleep in each other's embrace, giving comfort and love to one another.

During my middle sleep whispers and talking woke me up, he was screaming and shouting while crying, probably I do the same but this time it's my duty to calm him down

"Jonghyun ssshhhh! Everything is fine you are fine. I'm here Jonghyunah! Ca you hear me? Jonghyun!! Shhhh. I'm here!" I caught his hands and hugged him tightly, which instantly calmed him down

It's strange. Him much we influence one another, we have chemistry like amazing one but we love each other like friends, no more than friends, but not romantically. It's amazing. We trust each other with our lives and it's obvious. I can hold out long for him but I hope he never leaves me. I won't know how to continue living.

He silently cried in my hug, while clutching my clothes. It's like he was holding onto something to never lose. He was afraid of losing anyways.

"Shh. Everything is fine, I'm here" I whispered once again and kissed his forehead, hugging him once again and going back to sleep.

Before I fell asleep I realised. We both need each other. We both are broken and in exact situation. For once I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try because of you.