Angels

You

I don't remember how I came back from the hospital or when I did. I don't think I even was conscious or thought about my actions.

Next day I woke up in his room, pillow all wet and my face all red. I got up as I wore his black clothes completely and went to his funeral. Whole day I was sitting there. On my knees. In front of his picture and I wouldn't move. There were dozens of people come in and go and each of them respected him. Some even complained about me being there like that but they were stopped by his family, saying it was fine.

I don't know what was on my mind, I think nothing, blankness or it was just remembering all the memories with him. I suddenly started laughing at one of his dumb memory where he was as clumsy as ever, poring water all over him but laughing slowly changed into cries and then screaming. I was hurting. The pain I was feeling was unbearable. My heart was aching to the point that I wanted to take it out.

"Please Mariam calm down, you know he wouldn't like that" Onew came to me and softly hugged me as he was wiping my tears. "Shh, just try to take deep breaths, but instead of calming down I was getting more sick, to the point my mind went blank and I fainted. Soon after I woke up they were getting ready to say goodbye to him. But I wasn't ready.

I went to his coffin and hugged it as tight as I would if he was here with me right now. I kissed it and sat next to it, until they didn't take it to the car.

I was standing there as I saw how they put him in the car and more tears fell down.

I wouldn't be able to hear his voice again, nor his laugh, I wouldn't look at him and see his sparkling eyes, I wouldn't be able to hug him anymore. I wouldn't be able to cry while being with my favorite person as they calmed me down, nor sleep in the embrace of theirs. I wouldn't be able to talk to my favorite person before sleep and have deep conversations with them. I wouldn't be able to live anymore. Because my candle went out and my world was back to its darkness.

I cried harder when I saw him being taken away from me. "Goodbye Jonghyun. You did amazing . I love you"

I went home. I heard some people asking me questions but I wasn't listening. I only wanted for get home in this moments.

On the table in the studio I found a letter from him. Some tears fell down on my face as I opened it and in my shaky hands held the letter.

My dear Mariam. How are you?
I bet you are crying as you are sitting on the couch with your shaky hands?
First of all, I'm sorry. I know I broke dozens of promises with you but it was getting really unbearable already. I will ask for forgiveness before I die too and hope you will forgive me so I will be more at ease.

"I forgive you. I did already. "

Thank you for being in my life and making it longer than I expected. That day at mall it was supposed to be my last day on earth but when I met you I decided I had to live a little longer.

Nothing was your fault. Vice versa. You made me want to live. Even if it was for some time it was much for me. Each of your smile or action was bringing peace to me.

But I have to admit. I will miss your hugs. Hugs which made me relax and forget everything on my mind. Your words and encouragement, how you wanted to share my suffering with you so I wouldn't feel alone, I appreciate all of that. You are the best thing that happened to me in my life and thank you for that.

I don't think I have to explain what I was going through and how i ended up like this because you saw all of those. Thank you for always being there for me, I hope I was enough for you too. Please try to continue living. I love you Mar, please say that I did well once again, goodbye.

I closed the letter and once again started crying. But I don't want to live. It's unfair. I don't want to.

For the next 6 days I was mostly in our studio, sometimes even sleeping here. I was mostly in the corner, looking at everything from that spot and remembering all the memories I had with him.

Boys would come too every day at different times to check on me but i wasn't even able to drink water. Every time they visited I was skinnier and skinnier, with less will to live.

On 25th December, exactly after a week I decided it was time, I took out the gas pipe to let the gas come out, drank some painkillers and calm down pills and laid in his bed. I was facing upwards as I cut my left hand veins and put my right hand on his album and letter. I was wearing all white and blood soon made it all red. I looked next to me to take in his smell for last time as I looked up and smile. "I love you Jonghyun". I heard door open and lock and someone screaming but I knew it was late to save me already.

I close my eyes and once I opened them up again I saw him in front of me, in whites with his black hair, white petals were floating down from the sky as everything was very bright. He was smiling brightly at me as he took his hand out in the front to help me stand up. He hugged me tightly as soon as I was on feet and never left me again. All I could do was smile and hug him tighter.

The end.

A/N: did I cry while writing? Yes. Am I okay? No. Do I hate myself? Yes.

Thank you to everyone who came this far and finished the story. I love you all. See you in my another book.

It would be good to comment anything