Fuck life ya know like seriously fuck you for thinking I can handle this much shit falling apart at once. Fuck you for thinking I would be able to get right back up after being knocked down time and time again without a moment of recovery in between. Fuck you for thinking that I would be able to keep the stupid fucking facade up while I continue to sit back and watch as I slowly lose myself again. I've been on this god forsaken planet for 15 fucking years and honestly it's sad that I can't even remember when I was truly happy for ya know more than a day or two at most. That seems impossible to achieve now. Honestly yes sometimes I do shit that will cost me my own happiness but I've never once regretted doing so. I always have put everyone I loves' happiness above my own. I will force myself to sit back and suffer if it means they are thriving and happy. Is that self-destructive? Probably but I don't fucking care honestly. I haven't cared that much about my well-being in awhile. So again fuck you life for making me feel like my feelings don't matter. Fuck you for making me want to give up at only the age of 15. No wait scratch that, I've wanted to give up since like 11 or 12 so yeah even bigger fuck you for that one. I am in no way in the right mental state to deal with any of this shit but yet you continue to test me again and again. One of these days I will finally break this endless cycle but that day is not anywhere near. Honestly at this point in time, I don't think I'll be around to see that day. Not if my self-destructive tendencies continue on like they are. I will most likely fuck myself over more than I already am if it doesn't stop sometime soon. So fuck you life for making me even consider taking the easy way out. Fuck you for thinking that any of the shit I've dealt with would make me feel differently. Fuck you for making me think I deserve every time I've been hurt. Fuck you for making me think that I deserve all this fucking pain. Fuck you for making me hate myself so much that I can't even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to start carving at my own skin. That's not something I should be okay with but I am. I shouldn't feel this broken but I don't know how to pull myself out of this mindset. Nothing seems to be working and honestly I'm just tired of trying. I'm tired of lying to everyone and myself. I'm tired of taking these shaky breaths between screams. I'm tired of the tears falling as I claw at my chest in hopes that I can stop this feeling. I'm tired of existing. Fuck you life.
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Lock Away Your Heart
RandomTW: physical abuse, self-harm, death, eating disorders Keep to yourself, don't draw in unwanted attention. Don't you dare let that cheerful attitude fade. Put on a fake smile and go about your day. No one needs to know what goes on after dark. No on...
