"I'll break it to you easy, this is hell."
It's beautiful honestly, how I'm thriving in the chaos I've created. I've never been better like I'm feeling great for once. It's a shame though that this beauty only sparked to life after I finally let go. I mean beauty is pain right? So in the end all this pain will be worth it. The chaos and destruction will create a brand new me, one that will be able to survive life's countless beatings without thinking twice about it. One that will be truly numb to all the pain I once felt. One that will be not only survive but will be thrive amongst the constant threats and beatings. That is the version of myself that is in the making. I'll finally be able to leave my old broken self behind for good. I'll be remade and will no longer have to question how many years I have left in me. And I mean yeah I technically am a hazard to myself at this point but who fucking cares anymore. It's all pointless you know, like why would I continue wasting my time on this self-care shit when it's obviously getting me nowhere. Which is why I I gave upon it and moved on to self-destruction, and let me tell you that it has been such a relief to not have to give a shit about my wellbeing anymore. I mean hell maybe I'll finally develop some form of self-love, it might be in my own fucked up way but hey that's still progress. It's crazy how after living in this hell for so long, that I'm just now completely letting go of those damn chains. I have been restrained for far too long and I know it's fucked up to find freedom this way but hey whatever works. I've tried getting my shit together and accepting the bullshit life throws at me and trying to solve it all but honestly that might've been what was causing me the most harm. Now nothing can hurt me more than I have already hurt myself so I mean fuck it if life must keep trying to end me then I might as well go out with a bang. If life keeps insisting on making this hell then I just have to accept that maybe a few years is all I have left in me. You know making the next 2-3 years the most thrilling and chaos-filled might just be what I need. Maybe I just need to hit 18 and show life that I'm not afraid to look death in the eyes anymore. Maybe that is when I will finally experience true freedom. I won't regret taking this path instead of the one filled with sugar-coated lies and empty promises. I will proudly walk this path and accept the consequences that come with it. I've got to find my freedom somehow afterall.
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Lock Away Your Heart
AcakTW: physical abuse, self-harm, death, eating disorders Keep to yourself, don't draw in unwanted attention. Don't you dare let that cheerful attitude fade. Put on a fake smile and go about your day. No one needs to know what goes on after dark. No on...
