All it takes is one honest accident. I feel the tears falling before I have time to even register what's happening. My breath catches in my throat as my body begins to shake. That's warning sign Number 1. My thoughts are all flooding in at once, nothing is making sense anymore. Only that I fucked up, it all ties back to me. If only I had realized sooner. If only I saw in time. I fucked up by not being there. I should have been there. But I wasn't. That's the only thought playing through my mind now. My breathing is now quick and shallow. I try to take in steady breaths but that feels impossible to do through the sobs that keep escaping my throat. My body continues to shake with newfound terror. That's warning sign Number 2. I'm falling into the lion's den that is my mind.
I will never truly forgive myself for not being there right when you needed me. I now that sounds insane but that's only because you aren't the one with my fucked up brain. Any mess up spells out 'DANGER' in my mind. I'm sent into a panic because now I feel like I've lost a battle I didn't know had begun. All I know is that, to me, I failed to do the one thing I promised to do. I wasn't there the moment you needed me. That seems like an impossible promise to live up to but I had done it. This time I didn't. All of the reasons that kept me from being there sooner just feel like excuses. I know they're not though. They're real and valid, but that doesn't matter. Not in my mind.
The weight of my failure to you falls on me all at once. It hurts more than I could have imagined. It's taken on a physical pain in my chest alongside the emotional pain that's made itself feel at home within me. It's not going anywhere anytime soon. I brought this upon myself though, I'm the only one to blame. I let my emotions eat away at me like this because I don't know how to express them any other way. So I choose to let them tear me apart from the inside out instead of being unable to communicate them. I'd rather you understand in my excessive emotional outbursts than never be able to understand at all.
This one moment. An honest accident that I should have done more to help prevent. It will haunt me for fucking ever. Well maybe not in the same way forever, but I won't forget it. When I remember it, I already know the pain and guilt attached to it will come flooding back. I don't think I'll ever be able to truly escape it. Not as long as I still blame myself for everything. Spoiler alert: I most likely always will.
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Lock Away Your Heart
RandomTW: physical abuse, self-harm, death, eating disorders Keep to yourself, don't draw in unwanted attention. Don't you dare let that cheerful attitude fade. Put on a fake smile and go about your day. No one needs to know what goes on after dark. No on...
