When do I reset the time? What counts as a reason to? Do I reset the time only when the blade meets my skin? Do I reset the time when I dig my nails into my skin clawing until it's raw, when I sit under the scalding hot water in the shower? Or is it when I snap that rubber band against my wrist until there are raised welts all around? Too many of my coping mechanisms are rooted in the idea of causing myself physical pain. Its always been easier to handle that hurt than the mental and emotional pain. I want to get better. I want to find other ways to deal with these feelings. Yet nothing seems to ease the mind as much as the sting of the blade or the burn of the heat. Nothing else makes that fucked up side of my brain content.
So I ask again, when do I reset the time? Has my 5 months clean streak been a lie this whole time? I swear I haven't taken that blade to my skin since then but I cannot promise you anything more. If those scalding hot showers and welts left from rubber bands count, then those 5 months were never any actual achievements. I want to believe that I have resisted that urge for so long but a part of me knows that isn't entirely true.
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Lock Away Your Heart
RandomTW: physical abuse, self-harm, death, eating disorders Keep to yourself, don't draw in unwanted attention. Don't you dare let that cheerful attitude fade. Put on a fake smile and go about your day. No one needs to know what goes on after dark. No on...
