Sandcastles

22

Robyn

"How's Octavia doing, I forgot to ask you the other day?" I handed her a beer then took a seat across from her. Beyoncé and I was on my balcony talking for a bit. Originally she came over to talk to Michelle but her stank ass is currently out doing whatever. While she was sipping on a corona I was smoking a blunt I rolled before she got here. I would offer her some but I think she's still taking medication and I don't want to be the reason she ends up in the hospital. "She has these nightmares or spaces out. Yesterday was the only time she really spoke and even that was barely something."

"It's going to take her some time to bounce back from it HB. Give her some time to sort out her emotions, OD'ing isn't something you deal with easily."

"I know."

"What about Bailey? How is she doing with all of this?"

"She's helping out a lot. She sleeps on the floor next to her sister's bed in case Nicki and I don't get up in time." I nodded. Bailey looks up to Octavia, I'm not even surprised about her helping out. One thing about Beyoncé's kids. They'll always have one another's back no matter how much they fight. The same goes for the other kids, their bond is tight. Tighter than the bond us adults share if I'm being honest.

It might sound pathetic of me to say something like that but it's the truth. "That's her big sister I'm not even surprised. I just wish one of us let her stay, maybe the outcome would have been different. But you know how us chicks get when the kids step out of line." Beyoncé chuckled while taking another sip from her beer, I waited for her to finish so she could comment, "yeah we all should have done something different, more so me then any of you. That's my daughter and I treated her like some outcast. Now I'm dodging her and hiding in the shadows hoping this blows over." I nodded my head. Putting her hands on Octavia was a bit extreme. I was even wrong for it, but when it comes to Nicki everyone just pounces. "It's definitely not only on you babe."

"How's Michelle treating you?" I rolled my eyes. Not because of her changing the subject, it was the mentioning of Michelle, "I'm guessing she's still fucking up."

"It's not that she's fucking up. It's the fact she thinks I'm joking when I say I'm done. I want a family, it may sound selfish but it's something I'm hell bent on! She keeps it up I might take Solo on her offer." Beyoncé started choking on her beer. No doubt the part about Solo took her by surprise, I kind of forgot I wasn't supposed to even say anything. It's the blunt, when I get high I get loopy and start talking.

The offer wasn't even that shocking. Solange and I got high off our asses one night. She's worst than me when high, she gets all touchy and feeling up on you. We're both single and I'm not going to sit here and lie saying I wasn't into it. Tina and Matthew gave birth to two fine ass women. My little bisexual ass be confused as hell around them. But anyways the promise was that if our exes don't shape up or figure out what they want we were gonna hook up and see where it takes us. "Whatchu and my sister got going on?"

"A strong dislike for your corny ass best friends. HB they ain't shit. Kelly walking around like Solange's feelings ain't valid and Michelle is hiding behind the Hive instead of being an adult. They're childish!"

"They both got a lot of maturing to do, especially Michelle. Part of it is the Hive's fault. We live in this lifestyle that glorifies living a lavish life. You don't need maturity. All you need is to understand loyalty and how to hold a gun. Don't get me wrong Michelle loves this family, she loves you more than the family. She knows what you want and most likely wants the same as you do, but like you said she's hiding behind the Hive. She's afraid of what taking that step means. You have to initiate the conversation Robyn, Michelle isn't going to up and talk about it."

"But why me! If we both want this why am I the one that has to initiate the conversation. That's all I've ever been doing."

"Not that conversation Robyn." I quickly shut down. I wasn't aware anybody knew. Then again this was Beyoncé. When it comes down to everyone she always knows. "How long have you been considering it?"

"A while now. If I have to give you a day it has to be.........no it was. It was the day we fled."

"Have you talked to Solange or Nicki about it?"

"No."

"Michelle?" I shook my head, I could feel the hot tears threatening to fall from my eyes. I feel sick just thinking about this. "It's nothing to be upset over Robyn."

"It is. I feel selfish for wanting it so bad knowing what it'll do to her."

"Michelle loves you Robyn."

"And I love her too, but I don't want to be the reason she's forced to leave the Hive. But this.......this isn't how I want to live, this isn't how I want to raise a child. I love all of you HB but this lifestyle isn't for me. I'm not Nicki or Lauren, I don't feel the same way about this like them. But if I was to go I know she's going to come and she won't be ready." Tears were running down my face. I've been feeling like this for so long. I wanted to leave for so long but so much was keeping me here.

If Nicki wasn't pregnant and dealing with everything I would've left. Not quickly but I would've. But then Michelle and I started getting closer in our relationship and it blinded me from what I wanted. After awhile I had this hunger for a family, a hunger Michelle didn't have that drove us apart. But I stayed because I felt loyalty was more important then my happiness. Not anymore. Now I want my happiness with or without her. "Robyn you're not selfish for feeling like this. No one will think your selfish, this is something you feel strongly about. We're your family and this family will back you on your decision to leave with or without Michelle. This is why I said you have to initiate this conversation with her because she doesn't know all of what you feel."

"But what if she leaves, that's going to mess up y'all's dynamic. Since I met all of you y'all had this way of togetherness, I don't want to break that."

"Ight let me ask you this. If you tell Nic about this, how would she react?"

"She'll be sad at first but will accept it. It won't be easy but I know she will. Nicki and I aren't like you and your crew Beyoncé. You may not see it but you guys feed off of one another. You need everyone to fully function." She sat back in the seat. I looked away from her staring off over the balcony.

I know how they operate.

I see it with Nipsey.

I see it with Snoop.

I even see it with Tina.

My eyes are open. But so is my heart. Beyoncé can say whatever she wants yet deep down we both know  the truth. We both know the emotional toll this will have on everyone. "Robyn look at me."

"I think I left something on the stove." I got up and left her alone out on the balcony. This was overwhelming. All these mixed feelings of emotions were washing over me making me feel more and more guilty. As if I've done something wrong and I'm hiding it from my parents. "Baby?" I wiped my eyes quickly then turned to her, "what Michelle?" We stood looking at each other.

When she opened her mouth to say something I cut her off walking out the kitchen, "HB is outside on the balcony."

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It's only a filler nuggets, I've haven't really been writing because I'm not home. Tomorrow I'll be on the road for about 10 hrs so there won't be an update.