You and Charles walk into the M.E's office as she said "Detectives" and cleared her throat.
Charles said "Hello", but you said "Your shirt's buttoned wrong."
The M.E said "Huh. So it is. Well, how can I help you?"
"Uh, we came by to get that autopsy report. Is Detective Peralta here?" Charles said.
"Hmm. I haven't seen him" the M.E. denied. "Thanks for coming by."
You were stood next to the bodies, and heard a cough coming from one of the containers. "Hold on" you said, as you opened one of the containers to reveal Jake's body. "Found him!"
"Ah, thank goodness you're here. I am so lost. Do you know where the vending machine is?" Jake said, trying to act innocent.
"Look, it's not what it seems like" Jake said whilst tying a knot in the cloth now wrapped around his body.
"Yes, it is" you said.
"Yes, it is" Jake agreed. "So here's what happened. I came down here to get the autopsy report and in conclusion, here we are. Now if you'll excuse me -"
"Cut the crap, Peralta" you said.
"I'm sorry I slowed down the autopsy results, but everyone knows it's natural causes" Jake said.
"Not anymore. We think it could be a murder" Charles said.
"Wait, like a murder murder, or like, his mouth murdered him by making him eat so much food that his heart exploded?" Jake asked.
"Murder murder. We need the autopsy to be sure" you said.
"I have not gotten to that yet" the M.E. said.
"You guys have been down here for two hours. What, did you have sex forty times?" Charles said angrily.
"Forty times? No, Charles ... Look, I'm sorry, we didn't know that it was a homicide" Jake said.
"Well, it shouldn't matter. I'm your primary and I asked you to do something. So if it's okay, I'd like to be upset with you" Charles said.
"It's more than okay" you said.
"It's okay times two" Jake confirmed. "Now, Dr Rossi, will you please perform the autopsy for us right now?"
"Actually, with a body this size, I'd need my assistant, and I gave him the rest of the afternoon off when Jake showed up" Rossi said, smiling at you and Charles.
"Guilty" Jake said. "Okay, fine. I will act as your assistant because I am a wonderful secondary. How gross could it be?"
You rolled your eyes at Jake, before following Charles out of the room.
-----------------
You, Jake and Charles were in a room with Frank Patterson's wife.
"We know you killed your husband. That cruise you planned was for one, plus the autopsy showed clear signs of poison" Charles said to the lady sat in front of him.
"And for the record, the inside of his body was very gross" Jake said.
"Noted" you said.
"My only question is, why'd you do it?" Charles asked.
"Um, he drove me to it. He had affair after affair. He was a real Don Juan" said the woman.
"Permission to make a fat joke?" Jake asked.
"Granted" Charles said.
"Are you sure you didn't mean Don Flan?" Jake asked, resting his hands on the table.
"Nice" you said.
"Mrs Patterson, you are under arrest for the murder of your husband" Charles said to her.
--------------
"Nice job, Charles. You nailed it" you said as you, Jake and Charles sat in Shaw's Bar later that night.
"Here" Jake said as you clinked your glasses together. "Of course he did. He's a great primary. And I'm sorry I was such a bad number 2. I may, for the first time, have been a bit of a jerk, and I'm sorry."
"What a wonderful moment" Charles said happily.
"I agree, it is a wonderful - " Jake said, only to be cut off by Charles saying "What a wonderful moment. Y/n, you agree?"
"Yeah" you said.
Jake and Charles started singing: Wonderful moment, between to guys.
Charles' phone started ringing just as you took a sip from your drink. "D.A wants me to set them up for Patterson's wife. They need me to send all the files."
"I'm the secondary. I'll go back there and do all the busy work. You guys stay here and keep celebrating" Jake said.
"Are you sure your not just sneaking off for more weird dead guy sex?" you asked Jake as he got up from his chair.
Jake laughed. "We will never speak of that again. Never. Okay, bye."
"God. Crazy day, huh?" Charles asked.
"Yeah" you agreed as you watched Jake leave the bar.
YOU ARE READING
Brooklyn 99: Jake Peralta x Reader
Fanfiction"Was it? 'Cause I know for a fact you also told her when you got back, and everytime you would, y/n would get 'confused' and then our relationship would get 'out-of-sync,' and if you ask me, I think it's because y/n liked you back" Elliot said. Jake...
