Brooklyn 99: Jake Peralta x Reader

The Defense Rests Part 1

"Ant. Ant. Ant. Ant. Ant. Ant. Ant. Argh, they're everywhere" complained Jake. "Are we sure that we've cleaned up all the food?"

You, Jake and Amy turned to look at Hitchcock and Scully.

"Why is everyone looking at us? We're the ones who eat up all the crumbs" said Scully.

"Yeah, we're the solution" said Hitchcock.

"Well, there are no ants on my desk because I sanitize it daily" Amy said.

"What do you call that?" you asked, pointing at the ants crawling on to Amy's desk.

"Ah! Those are Jake's ants!" she said. "They're using a monitor cable as a land bridge."

Amy pulled her table back, and with it, Jake's computer fell onto the floor.

"Now they're destroying our technology. This is an invasion" said Jake.

"They're in my yogurt. Now it's personal" Terry said.

"All right, that's it. We have gotta fight back. This is our planet" said Jake, standing up.

"Just use Boyle's cologne. It's repulsive to everything" Gina said, walking in holding Charles' cologne. She dropped it on the floor and ran away.

"Ah! Not cool" Charles said. "You're going to Penn Station to buy me a new one."

"The ant infestation?" asked Holt, walking out of his office.

"It's bad. They bite now, sir" you said.

"I think they're just trying to avoid the cold weather. We should freeze them out" Holt said.

Five minutes later, all the windows and doors leading to the outside were open, and everyone was wearing their coats in an attempt to stay warm.

"The plan is working, Captain" said Jake loudly, shivering.

"Yes, we won" said Holt.

"Oh, my God. They're in the coats" Gina said.

"They're in our coats" you said, and everyone began to take their coats off hurriedly. 

You, Jake and Terry were waiting for Sophia.

"Okay. I want Sophia to know that I'm waiting for her, so... Should we pretend to have a heated argument that I win? Oh, or better yet: A physical contest that I win" asked Jake.

"What's going on? I thought things were good with you two" said Terry.

"Jake. Did you do something dumb?" you asked.

"That's a really good question, but actually, I don't think so. It's been weird lately. She's acting distant" said Jake.

"Have you talked to her?" Terry asked.

"I don't wanna seem desperate" Jake said.

"Talking to her is desperate?" asked Terry.

"Well, it's not breezy" said Jake.

"Jake?" asked Sophia, surprised as she walked down the hallway.

"Hey" Jake said.

"What are you guys doing here?" Sophia asked.

"Oh, just arguing about America. Did you know that Sarge doesn't think that we should've given women the right to vote?" said Jake.

"That is not true" said Terry.

"Oh, sure, you say that now that Sophia's here" said Jake. "But, hey, now that we've accidently bumped into each other, what are you doing tonight, wanna hang out?"

"Oh, I can't. I have that event for The Association of the Brooklyn Public Defenders. Remember you called it 'Satan's Charity Ball: Rise of the Demons?'" Sophia said.

"Oh, yeah" said Jake.

Terry and you laughed. "Defense attorneys are monsters" said Terry.

"Oh" Jake said.

Terry looked at Sophia awkwardly. "Except for you. No, you're fine."

"Oh, that's so sweet" said Sophia.

"Nice, right?" you said.

"But I have a minute right now. You wanna go take a walk in the park?" suggested Sophia.

"A walk in the park. How romantic" Jake said. "And I know where all the murder spots are."

"Do you wanna see them, or avoid them?" asked Sophia.

"The choice is yours, m'lady. Terry, y/n, don't wait up" said Jake.

"It's 10am" you said.

"Yep" Jake said, walking out with Sophia.

-----------------

"'Pause' seems bad, Jake. Why aren't you more upset?" you asked, following Jake into the breakroom along with Terry.

"Because Sophia's problem isn't with me, it's with her dumb boss. That's something I can fix. I'm gonna make him like me" Jake turned the whiteboard round. "Here is the target - Geoffrey Hoytsman. Now, according to the Internet, his interests are skiing, his terrier, Atlantic City, the film '12 Years A Slave' and nature. Obviously nature is super boring, and the slave film is a little bit dicey."

"It's real dicey" said Terry.

"Yeah. So, I will focus mainly on skiing and Atlantic City when I talk to him tonight at the fundraiser for The Association of Brooklyn Public Defenders, aka The Chamber of Asses. No, wait. That's too sexy. The Chamber of Snakes. Anyway, it starts at eight, so you should both probably get dressed" said Jake.

"What? I am not going to that. It'll be like hell" you said.

"Please, y/n. Just come. You too, Sarge" begged Jake. "Do it for me. Do it for love."

"Damn, Jake. You know Terry loves love. I'm in" said Terry.

"And, y/n, won't you love to be silently judging all of them?" asked Jake.

You sighed. "Fine. I'll come."

"All right! Now, put on your phoniest smile, 'cause we're going into the belly of the beast" said Jake. 

You and Terry smiled fakely.

"Phonier... Phonier!" Jake said. "Ah, there it is. Into the beast!"

Later that day, at eight pm, you, Jake and Terry were walking into the fundraiser (Or living hell, as you liked to call it) with probably the fakest smiles ever.

  -------------------

"All of our worst enemies are here. Brown hair guy. Pony tail lady. Asian Don Cheadle. I refuse to learn their names because it humanizes them" said Jake.

"But you'll never forget their smug lawyer faces" you said, glaring at one lawyer angrily.

"Each one brings back a specific, horrible memory" said Terry.

"Like courtroom PTSD" you said, and flashbacked to when several lawyers was yelling insults at you and one had even offered you a mint. "I could have choked on that mint."

"Even the nice ones are psychopaths" Jake said. "All right. Let's get fired up. Pound on my shoulders."

"That's my stuff" said Terry, and got his fists in a punching position.

"Wait! Don't hurt me! That was a bad idea. I'll bang my own shoulders. Let's go" said Jake.