never have i ever | (chaesoo)

13

ROSÉ

After filming for Lisa's video, there was nothing I wanted more than to get out of her apartment. Honestly, I came into this video knowing that I would have my heart broken all over again right after, but I truly underestimated the kind of heartbreak I would be forced to endure since Jisoo decided that it wasn't enough that I was heartbroken over the fact that she had someone new in her life, no, she had to drop the bomb about her wanting to marry me but never got the chance to get down on one knee while slipping the ring around my finger.

But of course, Jennie just had to insist on having us stay over for dinner, and I am too terrified of her to refuse.

So I sat there, with my heart in pieces, as I sat across my ex-girlfriend, my would-have-been-wife, and the love of my life. I sat there staring at her, wondering where we ever went wrong. I remember thinking that Jisoo was my entire future, that I was actually one of the lucky ones in the world who got it right the first time, who never had to go around finding "the one" for me. And I don't even know how I went from thinking about building a family with the woman sitting right in front of me, to not even being able to look her in the eye.

Dinner was awkward. We ate in silence for the most part, but I guess a big part of that is because all sound seemed to have drowned out every single time I looked at Jisoo, or even glanced at Jisoo, or even thought of Jisoo. I sat there, for the most part, just staring at her, just staring at what could have been mine, what could have still been mine, had I not been an idiot. But I thought that, maybe me being an idiot brought about something good. Our careers are skyrocketing with no signs of ever slowing down, we have matured and grown as individuals, and of course, there's the fact that Jisoo managed to find someone worth her time.

Lisa and Jennie left the table briefly after dinner to clear the plates and make way for dessert, leaving my ex-girlfriend and I at the table. I used this time to only glance at her from time to time, afraid that allowing myself to stare at her would break my heart even more. Every time I glanced at her, I only admired how beautiful she is. She had the kind of face that would rival that of Aphrodite's, as if all the gods took their time to sculpt her face to perfection. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that anyone at all would find it easy to fall in love with Jisoo. And if someone came along that makes her so beyond happy that she can't stop smiling to herself every now and then, then I should be happy for her, right?

But that's the thing. I can't be happy for her. I don't know how to.

I don't know how I can be happy for her with someone else when I only want her to be happy with me. It's a selfish thought, I am aware, but is it really so selfish if she is the only one that makes me happy as well?

The round of dessert we had was even more painful than dinner, with Lisa and Jennie not even trying to alleviate the situation. We all just ate our chocolate cakes in such deafening silence, I only wanted to scream. I wanted to scream out my frustrations, my inhibitions, and all the pain I managed to feel in a matter of hours, in a matter of close proximity with the only woman my heart has ever loved and yearned for. It is not fair that I am still hurting over a love I allowed to slip right through my fingers over a hasty decision made during the heat of a moment, but I realize that this pain begins and ends with me, that it was my fault to begin with, and that it is a mistake I'm afraid I would have to live with for the rest of my life while the woman I love, the woman sitting across me at this dinner table, is oblivious to the pain I'm feeling because she is happy with someone new.

And even then, I couldn't force myself to be happy for her. I simply do not know how to.

After dessert, I felt that I needed to leave, now more than ever before. So I made a shitty excuse about how I had an early photoshoot the next morning and that I needed to rest. Thankfully, they allowed me to leave. I gave them all a hug goodbye, a lingering one for Jisoo who gently pat my back as I breathed in her scent. I miss her. I always miss her. This time is no different.