never have i ever | (chaesoo)

8

ROSÉ

I can't believe it.

Jisoo and I just admitted to the entire world that we fell in love with each other at first sight.

I'm not going to deny it, the moment she started to reminisce her story about falling in love with the blonde girl who sat by the window in that one class in university, a burst of butterflies erupted in my stomach. It immediately reminded me of that same day, the one where I turned to look in her direction, only to be slightly startled by her eyes already looking at me. How couldn't I be, though? She was the pretty girl in the room. Everybody noticed her the moment she walked in, her captivating aura far too big to simply ignore.

I remember thinking that maybe, she was only looking out the window nearest to me. I was usually very timid, but there was something about her that made me think that I had to try. So I smiled at her, expecting her to completely ignore me or find me really weird because I must've looked like a grade schooler trying to get her crush's attention.

But she smiled back at me. 

Wide brown eyes suddenly turning into crescent moons, heart-shaped lips showing a perfect megawatt smile, and a certain glow in her features that only added on more to her already captivating aura. I knew I was in trouble, but unlike what Taylor Swift said, definitely no shame on me now.

Thinking of my version of the memory only made something drum against my chest, but in a good way, something I welcomed, but at the same time,  realized that it is something I have not felt in a long time. I looked over to Jisoo, who was smiling to herself, and felt my heart pound even more. The last time I ever felt this way was with Jisoo, and it's crazy (but also scary) that we have not been together for 3 years now, and it is still only with her that I've ever felt this.

The truth is, after Jisoo, I have tried with many others. I've gone out on some dates, entertained other people, and have been attracted to some. But that was it. Just when I feel that I'm finally ready to dive into something deeper with someone new, or to simply give someone else a chance, my mind, my stupid mind, goes back to Jisoo.

It goes back to Jisoo showing up at my dorm at 7 in the morning with semi-burnt toast she made herself when we were freshmen in college.

It goes back to Jisoo holding my face in her hands when I was a sobbing mess because I felt guilty over something I got mad at her for.

It goes back to Jisoo who came home to the dorm we shared together at 4am after a fight we had, thinking that she went out with her friends to drink and forget about me. Instead, she comes back home completely sober and with a bouquet of flowers in her hand, telling me that she took a walk around town thinking about how she was not being good to me.

It goes back to Jisoo who held me in her arms, gentle and strong, whispering sweet nothings in my ear, and kissing me so many times, when I felt I've reached an all time low in my life.

It goes back to Jisoo, who spent a whole year taking random and annoying polaroid photos of me, only to end up giving me a photo book of those same polaroids for our 5th anniversary, telling me that every moment with me was beautiful and that she looked forward to the next 5 years with me.

And it goes back to Jisoo, who held me like I was a fragile piece of glass on our last night together, nodding against my head to tell me that she's letting me go. Because even when it hurt, I knew that she loved me. I knew that she wanted to fight for whatever we had, but she loved me enough to not force it.

The truth is, I have tried. I really have. But the moment Jisoo enters the picture, I find myself unable to force those feelings of attraction for someone else. It used to terrify me to think that Jisoo will be my only love, that I will forever be incapable of having romantic feelings for someone else. But now, seeing Jisoo so completely happy and Lisa telling me that there might be someone new in my ex-girlfriend's life, it terrifies me even more to think that Jisoo may be the love of my life, but I may not be hers.