never have i ever | (chaesoo)

10

ROSÉ

Jisoo and I had a little bit of an argument earlier on. I'm not sure if she misunderstood my answer about how I always hear about her in the news, but given the fact that she lashed out at me and complained about how she sees me everywhere, something I said must have pissed her off.

After giving it some thought, I realized that maybe I should have done a better job at wording it out. But that has never been my forte, that was always Jisoo's. It's the reason why she's the writer and I'm not. Still, the way she basically lambasted the way she sees me everywhere broke me even more, as if I wasn't already heartbroken over the fact that Jisoo basically confirmed what Lisa was telling me earlier on: that there is someone new in my ex-girlfriend's life.

I cry very easily, everybody knows this. But I was impressed over the fact that I managed to sit there with my heart broken while Jisoo looked so happy. I was impressed over the fact that the only time I ran out of that room to finally let my tears fall was when Jisoo was directing her anger at me. Lisa and Jisoo must have thought that I ran to the bathroom to cry over my ex-girlfriend complaining about seeing me everywhere, but there was honestly more to it than that.

I was crying because there was someone new in my ex-girlfriend's life. I was crying because Jisoo was right there, and she still felt so far away. I was crying because it felt like she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. I was crying because as I looked at her, I could not understand how she had loved me so much and how I managed to let her go. I was crying because even after all this time, I still loved her.

Should I have fought harder, tried harder, or maybe even gave more chances to fix whatever was left of us in the end? Should love have been enough to save us? Should we just have been stronger individuals? Should we have just tried to find strength in each other when everything was getting too much?

I don't know. And I'm afraid that it's far too late to find out.

As I was trying to will the tears away in the bathroom, I heard soft knocks coming from the other side of the door. A part of me knew it was going to be Jisoo, and was glad that it was her that was trying to show some concern for me. But at the same time, I just wanted her to go away because I knew it in myself that there is no way I could face her and not just tell her how sorry I am and how I want her back and how I still love her even after all these years. I couldn't do that to her, that would be too selfish of me.

I soon went out of the bathroom to find Jisoo still standing there. A string of apologies is what came out of her mouth, but I was just too hurt by too many things to hear her out. Getting impatient with her incessant need to fix whatever rift we have between us, I decided to stomp off into the living room to gather my thoughts, praying and hoping that she doesn't follow me this time.

But of course she does.

There was something about the way Jisoo said she was sorry and that I misunderstood what she said that annoyed me. She was the one who did not understand what I said. Still, I was just too exhausted at this point to argue so I just let her drone on. But there was something about the way Jisoo suddenly said about how she wants me in her life that suddenly made me feel elated, that suddenly made me feel like I was on cloud nine, that suddenly made me feel I just climbed the highest mountain in the world.

And then she took me in her arms. I have not been held by Jisoo in the longest time, the last time was 3 years ago on our last night together. It's funny how I was heart broken the last time I was held like this by her, and how I'm still heartbroken now, maybe even more so. I was heartbroken back then because I knew that we reached our end, but I'm more heartbroken now because even now, there is some sense of finality. I didn't realize why until I suddenly remembered: oh, right, she has someone new in her life.