The Boundaries of Abyss

Kabanata 20

Falling

It hurt seeing him with someone else. But... knowing that he lied to me, hurts more.

I can't help but think that he cannot trust my love for him. Iniisip ba niyang hindi ko siya maiintindihan? Was it better to keep me out of the story? To feed me with lies and make me believe that we are okay?

Thinking that he might be sick, reason why he's always in this hospital, is already a burden. I thought he's hiding something... like his illness from me. Just like how my mom did. Pero hindi.

Ang malaman na walang siyang sakit, 'di tulad nang iniisip ko, ay nakakagaan ng loob. Pero ang matunghayan na nagsisinungaling siya, nang hindi man lang kumukurap ay nakakagalit at... nakakapanghina.

I was too mad that it felt nothing.

But I don't want to make things complicated. I wanted to ask him. Confront him.

Pero... hindi ko pa kaya. Just by watching him happily talking with the girl made my heart hurt.

Those questions that I tried to bury within me suddenly rose. Nag-uunahan. Pilit na naghahanap ng rason, pero hindi ko kayang ibigay. Dahil naubos na ang mga rason na pwede kong maisip.

Bakit kapag sa akin, busy siya? Pagod siya? Why did he tell me he has to go? When clearly... he had all the time in the world to tell me where he is... or what he was doing... was it too hard to tell me the truth?

Am I not worth his truths?

He's still connected to the girl. And tita knows her, too.

Clearly, they weren't relatives...

Umalis ako ng ospital na puno ng katanungan sa isip ko. I didn't want to confine myself in my condo. Mas lalo kong ikababaliw ang katahimikan na mamamayani roon. Instead, I went to the park.

I tried enjoying, diverting my attention to any possible activity there is. Bumili ako ng iba't-ibang klase na street foods. But it just felt bad that I'm eating alone. Dati ay kasama ko siya, pero iba ang kasama niya ngayon.

But... he's still my boyfriend. Kaibigan niya lang 'yon.

But maybe, even if I was in deep turmoil with my thoughts, naniniwala pa rin ako sa pagmamahal na pinaramdam niya. One more thing, he didn't ask me to leave...

Why am I even making this a big deal? Maybe... this is just jealousy... or just me missing him too much.

I bought his favorite mango cake. Naubos niya kasi iyong binili ko dati. Telling me that it was too small for us. Hindi ko naman alam na magugustuhan niya iyon kaya ang pinakamaliit ang kinuha ko.

"Astrelle, this is too small for two people," tinignan ko si Hedeon na nakasalampak sa carpet ko. Halos makalahati na ang cake na binili ko kanina.

"That's good for four people! Sige ka tataas sugar mo!"

"This is healthy, it has mangoes..." aniya at kumuha ulit ng slice.

I sighed and joined him on my carpet, dala ang juice na katitimpla ko. "Huwag mo 'ko ubusan..."

He glanced at me and wholly took the cake in his mouth. I laughed when the some of the icing didn't make it into his mouth.

A wicked idea flashed my mind. I quickly leaned closer, without hesitation, and tasted the icing on his lips.

His lips parted, just as I returned back on my place. "Sabing huwag mo akong ubusan..."

His eyes were twinkling, as if he had not yet digest what I did. Pero napalitan iyon ng ngisi bago kumuha ng panibagong slice.