The Boundaries of Abyss

Kabanata 22

Understand

I couldn't keep him to myself. That's selfish. So like the 'perfect girlfriend' I am, pinabayaan ko lang. I didn't demand time from him. Umaasa nalang ako sa minsang pagtawag at pagbisita niya.

It's not like his world revolved around me. Doon ko narealize na... I'm just his girlfriend. A label given to someone you are romantically involved with.

Ni minsan hindi ko hiniling na sana maging kaibigan na lang. Pero ngayon... parang mas gugustihin kong maging kaibigan ang nobyo ko.

Holidays are fast approaching. Again. Parang last year lang noong nagkakilala kami noong reunion. How he met my eyes coldly that night. How I lost my bracelet and he was the one who found it. Kung hindi kaya niya nakita ang bracelet ko, magiging ganito kami? Probably not.

Now I wonder if it's in fact destiny... or my mother's doing.

Maybe... maybe not.

I didn't know I would settle for this. Ganito siguro kapag nasanay na. I wasn't even waiting for his texts anymore. Or calls. Or visits. I would update him from time to time, though. But I wasn't waiting for anything from him.

It was useless, anyway... It was hurting.

Kaya pinabayaan ko na lang. Hinayaan ko. At some nights, I'd even go to clubs. Mag-isa. Dahil sobrang laki na ng tiyan ni Cara at wala na akong makakasama. I would even tell him that I'm going to party. Akala ko ay sasamahan ako... o papagalitan man lamang kasi mag-isa ako. But guess what?

He fucking said to take care. And to fucking enjoy.

Hindi ako tumuloy noong nabasa ko iyon. It felt like it did not matter to him. That I was a nuisance. That bothering him with whatever the fuck he was busy with is such a sin.

I met Layla. Weeks ago. I was so pissed when Hedeon cancelled our date because of her. I get that she's sick! But I don't get why she has to look for my boyfriend! Siya ba ang doctor niya?

I was so tired from understanding that I looked for ways to be pissed. I was being unreasonable but I didn't care! I was hurting, too! Hindi man physically but I was hurting, too!

He is so busy looking for his friend that he failed to remember our fucking monthsary.

I wasn't a fan of celebrating. But it was like our habit... we would go on dates for our monthsary. Kahit mayroon siyang trabaho dati, nakakalabas pa rin naman kami.

Ako na nga ang nagbook ng restaurant. Pinareserve ko ang usual table namin. Ang gagawin na lang niya ay pumunta. But he didn't. So I followed him. Sana pala ay hindi na.

From Hedeon:

I'm sorry, Astrelle. Layla's alone tonight. Her mother went home because she's feeling sick. I volunteered to look after her. I'll make it up to you tomorrow. Take care.

Ibinaba ko ang cellphone at tinignan ang table na mayroon ng mga plato. I even ordered food. I thought he was on his way.

"Take away na lang pala 'yong order ko..." I glanced on the server. Sigurado akong kilala niya na ako. Dahil hindi ito ang unang beses na pinabalot ko ang order ko dahil hindi dumating si Hedeon.

She looked at me sadly and smiled. Halata ba sa mukha ko ang disappointment? I'm fucking sure it is.

I drove my way to the hospital. Hindi ko na sinabi kay Hedeon dahil hindi ko alam paano.

Dala-dala ang pinabalot kong pagkain na pagsasaluhan sana namin ay lumapit ako sa nurse desk. She smiled at me.

"May I know the room number of... Layla Reyes?"