You're Not The Only One.

Chapter 5

(Hande's Pov)
We’ll never be friends.
His parting words kept repeating on a loop in my mind like a broken record.
There was a time in my life I expressed my feelings in a true way, but we can't go on like that, right? We can't keep bawling like babies and throwing tantrums like toddlers whenever things don't go our way or people hurt us; we do need to get a grip on our own minds and most importantly on our emotions. But there is a balance, a point of virtue, that I went passed so long ago. Sadness,hurt,anger , annoyance- these emotions are buried deep inside me.That's how I have learned to deal with them after losing my mother.
Everyone loves me for my smile and twenty-four-seven happy disposition, meanwhile every other feeling is crammed into my chest. Problem is, that space is getting so full, so much harder to ignore, and the disparity between my outgoing personality and inner pain is so difficult to bare. I wish I'd learnt to get these emotions out instead of bottling them up; there is no "healthy release" when the internal pressure is this high. How do I defuse this bomb without triggering the damage I seek to avoid?
I wonder what the world would look like if we had all understood our feelings better and could express ourselves better. If I had someone who would hold me while I bared those emotions which were crammed up inside my chest; fighting for a release.
Azul was curled up at my feet while I lay tossing and turning on my bed,lost in my thoughts.
Sleep had long eluded me(Elude:fail to obtain).Not even an hour long video call with Gamze and Mavi had helped calm the storm brewing inside my head. From the time Kerem had slammed the door of the caravan shut till the present moment, I had not been able to figure out why he looked so torn between things that I was scared to acknowledge.His words were of stark contrast to his eyes which had given him away. I'd thought that if I kept him from getting too close, I'd be protected from the inevitable pain of losing him later.But every moment spent with him made it more and more clear that not only had I not protected myself from anything at all...but also that I had no idea how to let him go. Because he'd already gotten past every single one of the barriers I'd tried to erect.

A fight, words said in the heat of the moment, emotions which I had never felt before and the seering kiss from the morning which had left me breathless , erased any other thought except his from my mind. Instantly,my fingertips moved to my lips, tracing over the spots where Kerem's mouth was pressed against mine. Ugh. I hate how good that kiss had felt. All of the tension ,pent up anger and confusion, that had left me heady with want for him.
I had been waiting for a text , a call, hell anything at this moment sounded good to me. And everytime my phone pinged with a new message,I hoped that it was from him. I had tried calling him once only to reach his voicemail. He had left the set by the time his words had their desired effect on me.
I clicked on one of the HanKer fanpages- they had tagged us in a video of an old live.
A small smile, unknown to me crept up my face as I watched it. I refrained from watching our videos. The way he looked at me left me breathless everytime.
Tomorrow was our day off .During any other week, he would be here with me.Running lines, playing with my dogs, watching movies or just watching me paint. What had started with running lines and rehearsing had soon turned into spending time with each other.Something normal for friends but the label would be befitting if everytime that his gaze caressed my body it did not send shivers right down to my core, if his voice did not wake up that part of me that I didn't know existed. Oh god! Why did I even say something like that?! Now he knows I am a petty jealous person, why did he say that I was lying? Was he aware of my feelings? Feelings? What am I even saying?! Allah!! Allah! çok kafa karıştırıcı (so confusing).
I muffled my face into the pillow hoping that it would bring some sleep because everytime I tried closing my eyes in the past two hours,somehow my mind always went back to him.
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(Kerem's Pov)
I drank in silence, hoping that the answer lay at the bottom of the glass and then the bottom of the bottle.The ice cubes clinked against the glass as the bitter amber liquid burned down my throat. There was an emotional safety in learning how to rely on myself, so much so,that I never dared to reach out to another being,another woman after  Serenay.   No one,untill the day Hande came into my life.
Our conversation from the morning haunted the silence.
How difficult was it for her to understand my feelings?
The flash of jealousy in her eyes when she had questioned my whereabouts, and about Nil, had made sense to me before she doused everything with cold water by calling us 'Just friends'.
Is that what we really were? Because friends don't look at each the way we do.They don't spend every waking moment together. Co- stars don't spend their free time together . They don't stay up late talking to each other. They don't bare their souls to each other. She was lying through her teeth.And if we were just friends she wouldn't be this bothered.She wouldn't have tried calling me . I had purposely let it go to voicemail. I did not want to say things thay I would end up regretting tomorrow. Things like , " I have started falling for you." or maybe something like "would you like going out on a date with me?"
Once upon a time, her beautiful body would have been enough for me. And when I was younger, I would have believed that the easiest way to deal with the need to be with Hande would be to use my charm and looks to persuade her to have a hot, but very casual, fling. It had happened before imcase of other women even if it was a long time ago.
Only, something told me that uncovering that sensual layer wouldn't be nearly enough. Not just because it would only fuel my need to know more about the rest of her...but also because I knew that if I risked touching only her body, she'd write off her heart entirely.And all that I wanted was her heart.
What the hell was happening to me?
Fuck !
The shrill beeping of my phone jerked me out of my thoughts. Anne was calling.I sobered up a little before receiving the call or else I would be in for a long lecture.
-"Efendim Anne. "
-Kerem, canım( my dear), nasılsın(how are you)? Her voice made me smile instantly.
-"İyiyim(I am fine).The shooting is going well."
-"Harika(great).I am so glad to hear it."
She paused for a moment and I knew she hadn't been fooled by my reply about the show and not myself. "And how is everything else?"
As long as I could remember, anne had had a laser-sharp radar when something was bothering either me or Melis. She never poked, never prodded, but was always there when they were finally ready to come for help and advice. I knew it was long past time for me to admit exactly what was happening to me.
"There's a woman."
"So I've heard," his mother said softly."Hande is very beautiful. çok tatlı bir kız"(A very sweet girl) "
My mind went back to her sweet smile and how everytime it tugged at my heartstrings.
"She is sweet," I confirmed to my mother who had met her once towards the beginning of the show. "And beautiful, and smart, and strong." I blew out a hard breath. "And I like her but..but she probably doesn't see us as more than friends.She was probably jealous because I had failed to mention about beginning Aynen Aynen..and now..she is not talking to me "
Allah, it was like being fifteen years old again and pouring my heart out over my mother's chocolate chip cookies in the kitchen.
"Did she tell you why you couldn't be more than friends?"
"Bilmiyorum anne (I don't know ,mom).Maybe she is scared..she had a recent breakup..a few months back..maybe she doesn't like me enough..or maybe I am not good enough for her..kim bilir?"(who knows?)
"You have worked together for long enough to know whether she likes you or not Kerem, but sometimes, it's harder to admit to ourselves we want love in our lives than it is to keep living without it."
I was suddenly hit with the realization of how close this situation between Hande and myself was to the relationship between Serkan and Eda.
If I couldn't fight an attraction that knocked me off my feet - then it was time to fight for it instead.Just the way, Serkan was fighting to get back Eda to trust him again.
"Anne, have I told you lately how smart you are?" My question made her chuckle.
"So are you," she said, and I could hear the smile in her voice now. "You're one of the smartest men I know. Smart enough to know a good thing when you see it and to do whatever it takes to make sure you don't let it go.And if you feel that she is the one, then no matter what, remember what you are fighting for even if at times you feel like you are the only one who is fighting."
" Seni çok seviyorum anne.You know that ,don't you?"
" I do canim.But it is always good to hear it one more time.Now keep the bottle down and go to sleep." she chided lightly,her voice thick with emotions.
"Tamam.Yapacağım (I will do).İyi geceler"
The call ended with a soft click leaving me with a little clarity.
My hands gripped the bottle in my hands, my eyes swiveling towards the back of my head in a distressed sense of a headache.This shit is gonna hurt like hell tomorrow. I tilted my head towards the edge of the couch as I took a long swig of the dark substance that affected me. 
My mouth was sore from the amount of alcohol that I poured down my throat. I cleared my throat as I stood up, just to fall back down on the couch in an unbalanced attempt to walk to the dark bedroom where I could feel the comfort of the bed to overtake the state of drunkenness. I stood up again and staggered towards the bedroom, gripping on bookcases and tables in the room. The mattress felt like a soft cloud and sleep came easily.
I have to talk to her tomorrow.
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A/N: Thank you so much for your support as always. Please do drop in your feedback or any particular scene you want me to write. Love you all. ❤
Next update is coming up soon and with a disclaimer too.😜😜 (if you know what I mean 🔥🥃)