Ten Reasons Not to Die

Chapter 6 Day 4

Sam~
Hope.

Hope has a strong meaning, you could hope for the gift you wanted for your birthday,  You could hope that someone likes you. Everything you want is an I wish situation, Everything you don't know is I hope, But what is this? What is this feeling that i have? Is it I wish or i hope? I wish Colby Won't take his life and leave me, or I hope he doesn't, I wish sounds like he will and I know it, But it is.. isn't it? I hope means I have trust in him, I trust that he won't, and I know he can't jump anymore, but there are other possible ways to end your life, Like Grabbing something strong and highly poisonous from under the sink, or going to the nurses office at school to grab sleeping pills or something... how do I know this? I shouldn't know how to do this, I didn't even think of this before.

The day is slow, mostly because Colby has been in the counseling room for it most of the time, Maybe he's speaking actually, he hasnt spoken since the incident in the dining hall, Not a word, he didn't say Goodmorning too me, he just went by his usual day in silence... is this what his giving up is? Not speaking? Because I don't think I like it, I like his voice, his sad voice I'd like to get rid of, His happy voice hasn't been here in awhile, He's only happy on the roof, but the roof is dangerous, he might jump, and that's no good, He can't do that, well he can but- yeah nevermind I'll just get more frustrated if I ramble on about that.

My turn, my turn to talk to Dr. Greene, Or Tom Is what he said we could call him, Tom is the counselor, Hes very nice, a nice change from the rude teachers, Or the nice nurse, hes new, No one has ever told him lies about us, Were probably the most hated here, Jealousy is what it is, but what are they jealous about? No one treats us like humans, Were garbage.

"So Sam how have you been today?" Theres another orange plastic chair, what is it with them and orange? It makes it look like a prison ward or a waiting room for the prison, I wonder if that's what it looks like to Tom "Good" he nods, He likes writing certain things down, I wonder what he writes "what would you like to talk about?" He folds his hands, His fingers wrapped around the orange pencil, Everything seems to be orange today "I don't know whatever you want to know I guess" I sit there, Lots of things seem orange, the orange cup, The brownish orange coffee table, an orange book, Orange and Blue are not good colours to mix but they seemed to think otherwise "Well Did you give Colby another reason today?" I shake my head, I didn't see him all day so how could i have? "Well I asked colby why he felt the need to commit suicide, and I have to ask you" would I die with him? Would I actually kill myself if he does? Should I? He is the only person to keep me alive "I don't know" Blue paper, Blue Pen, blue Erasure, Blue book, Blue cabinet, Blue carpet, Orange and Blue, I dont like it "Have you ever felt like you wanted to die? Or follow after Colby?" I don't know, now I'm confused and too focused on the colours in the room "No" he seems unconvinced and writes something down in his notebook, and let's me go back to my studies, not like I was ever studying anyways.

"Sam?" Someones calling me and it's not Colby, but a different boy "yeah?" I turn around, his hair is pink, But theres still some brown showing, he holds his hand out "um hi?" He laughs "The boy from the park, I seen you sitting with a brunette boy and I wanted to know how you guys were" was there a pink haired boy at the park? I don't remember seeing him "Oh um, hi again? When did you see me and Colby?" He kicks a rock motioning forward for me to walk, hes going off property "oh um sorry but I can't leave unless I have permission..and i dont think their gonna like me leaving alone" he nods "that's fine we can sit" he sits down, On the crosswalk, I sit on the grass, were face to face, I guess I could have sat on the pavement, but now I don't want to move "yeah like 2 weeks ago, those group of boys that came up to you, I was behind them..they were my friends, but now their not" oh I know when hes talking about, 2 weeks ago we went to the park, a group of 5 boys came up and started teasing, a smaller boy, still bigger than me, was with them, Kind of hiding In their shadows "Oh you were with them?" He nods "was" Colby, I can't leave him alone, he can't be alone "Oh um sorry but I got to go" I stand up running to the door, up the stairs to go to his room, His beds empty, I need a hug from him, I want to talk to him, I can't leave him alone cause its dangerous

The hallway he can be there "have you guys noticed as to where Colby went?" I ask a group of boys, cigarettes lit in their hands with the window wide open "Who's colby?" Honestly they sleep in the same room "Nevermind" I walk back out.. the roof stairs? Could he be sitting there? Yes, hes sitting by the door, leaning against it more like it..sleeping?

"Colby!" He twitches, Oh yeah he was definitely sleeping "Oh sorry I didn't know you were asleep" I sit in front of him, Hes afraid, why is he afraid of me.

Colby~
I shouldn't have done it, I already know how hard it is to stop, But I wanted to feel something other than sadness, emptiness, Self loathing, And.. guilt, great another feeling to add to my list, Now how am I supposed to hide it? Well they won't notice a difference, not like I take off sleeves anyways. Maybe this way I won't have to feel like dying, Maybe just maybe I can live.

I sit by the roof stairs, half asleep, Walking like a zombie, And sit on the first step, Laying my head against the wall, I can smell the fresh air, The cool breeze coming from under the door, Wonder if its locked. Climbing the stairs is harder, The Door is locked, Maybe... Just maybe I can kill myself with a knife, could that work instead of jumping?

The last thing I hear before I sleep is a bird, a bird singing on a branch or the ledge, chirping, people find them annoying, but I don't, Practically me, no one likes when I speak my thoughts, on second thought they shouldnt hear my thoughts.

Sam wakes me, wait is my sleeve down? Yes it is thank God, he can't worry anymore "oh sorry i didnt know you were asleep" he sits down "I wish we can go out there" he looks at the door, Yeah me too, I don't want to jump right now but their still not gonna allow me back up there.

I want to see the sunset, but I can't go to the roof, I can't see the sun setting on the ground because of the Trees, what's supposed to make me happy now?

A couple minutes go by of him just staring at me, little bit creepy if I say so, but its Sam, hes worrying, of course he is, I'm not speaking, and that's another problem, I can't, it's like my mind went mentally mute, even when I tried to speak nothing came out,  Just silence.

I guess I fell asleep, because when I wake my eyes can't adjust and the light is hurting my eyes, making me go dizzy, and there are stars, and lines, coloured bright colours. I hold the railing slowly walking down, finally used too the light at the bottom. Now its dinner, It tastes bad, even when I wanted to eat it tasted bad, but now I really don't want to eat it, making the taste more worse.

"Reason number 4... Me, What about me, Do you really think I can live without my brother?"

I don't reply, Have I thought this through? Do I actually want to die? Or do u just want to get away from these feelings of sadness? If I die would i want to live again? Would i have regret? If I do die I have to protect Sam from anything, if i can protect him of course, or maybe I'll watch over him, Maybe I can write him letters to open on certain days, And hopefully he opens them on the right day.

A/N
Double update just because, I wrote this during art class, I don't know why, but I did and here you goooo :))

Now I better start drawing something lol.