Reflection: Adopted by Fifth Harmony

Heart Wants What it Wants

An hour later, I found myself sitting outside of the girl’s meeting, utterly bored out of my mind. I was tired of reading, tired of listening to music, and tired of sitting here. Just when I was about to go explore, however, the door opened, revealing a flustered looking Lauren.

“Everything okay?” I asked her from my position on the floor.

She sank down next to me, massaging her temples, “Yeah, everything’s cool… how about with you? What was that earlier about your music..?”

Thank god she didn’t ask about the Lauren or Taylor thing. “Um… I just.. I guess I’m not ready for everybody to see that side of me.” I shrug.

“Does this have anything to do with what you told me in that alley?” She asked, not looking at me.

Why lie to her? She sees through it, “Yes...somewhat.”

“You need to tell the girls that.”

“No. Bringing it up brings more pain.”

“Yes, but talking about it will help you let it go.” She countered.

“Maybe. But maybe I’m not ready to let it go.”

“You’re only saying that to play Devil’s advocate. You are. That’s why you don’t bring it up, but you’re going about it wrong. Turning yourself off isn’t gonna help.”

It’s out before I can stop myself. “Then why do you do it?”

She knows instantly what I’m referring to. It’s obvious. She’s quiet.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s more complicated than that.” We both say at the same time.

I nod, “Is it really though, Lauren?” I ask softly, looking at the spot where her eyes were looking, a random place off in the distance.

She sighs, turning to look at me, “I think you know what it’s like. Wanting what you can’t have. Pushing away what wants you.” She gets up and walks away, leaving me there.

I do.

I wait some more, thoughts now creating a wall around me, until the girls come out, relieved looks on their faces.

“Have you seen Lauren?” Ally asks me.

I shake my head, “Not for a while now. She went that way.”

“Are you okay?” she asks, a look of worry painting her features.

I nod again, “I’m fine.” Clearly they can see that’s a lie. They’re all staring at me.
“What did she say to you?” Normani asks, kneeling down to my level.

I shake my head, not looking at her.

“Guys,” Mani says, turning to face them, “you go find Lauren, please. I will handle my little sister.”

They hesitantly agree, going off in the direction I stated previously.

“Now, you tell me.” Normani said, basically commanding me.

I sighed, “And I quote, ‘I think you know what it’s like. Wanting what you can’t have. Pushing away what wants you.’”

Normani takes a second to process this, rolling her eyes, “Ugh… what does that even mean?”

I shake my head, “I don’t know… What happened in that meeting?”

“I think that’s more for her to say, but, it didn’t make her happy. It didn’t give her the right to take it out on you, either.”

“She was trying to help me. I started it. It’s a bad habit I have.”

“You shut down on her, didn’t you?”

“Basically. I… she knows something. About my past, something I tried to bury. And I told her, and she thinks I should tell you guys. But apparently, she has something, too.”

Normani nods, “Do you want to tell me the thing? I mean,if you’re uncomfortable…”

“You’re my ManiBear… I can tell you. You just..can’t get mad.”

“I won’t. I promise.”

I take a deep breath, “Okay… My parents died when I was four.”

She nods, “Car accident and overdose, right? Dinah said…”

“I know. But the real story is contrary to the popular belief. And it’s pretty much a well kept secret with everyone. Few know. 3 to be exact.”

“You’re stalling.”

“I’m afraid.”

“Take your time.”

“Okay… When I was 4, I burnt the house down. With them in it.”

“Huh?”

“It was an accident, I… was just… I saw my mom playing with fire before and I wanted to try it I guess...It ended badly… I was sent to a foster home, and then the people who adopted me the first and only time found out and brought me back. I haven’t brought it up since.”

“Oh, honey,” she rushes forward to hug me, and I take in her scent, like passion fruit and something flowery, “I’m sorry you had to go through that, and I know it wasn’t on purpose. You have a huge heart I see it with Ally, and Dinah, and when you look at Lauren. You’ve got to stop feeling guilty for something you couldn’t control.”

“No, if I was smarter…”

“Don’t do that. Past is past, and it’s time to stop letting it eat you alive, okay?”

I nod, “Mkay.”

“And, maybe...telling the girls is a good idea. They’ll understand.”

“Really?”

She nods, “Yes, they will. We’ll help you get past this. And this thing with Lauren. That’s another issue we need to sort out.”

“One step at a time, Normani.” I chuckle, feeling better already.

“Okay shortstop, one step at a time.”

The rest of the day goes by with less tumult, ending with us stopping at the original Shake Shack and me making a video for YouTube, featuring the girls. Lauren hadn’t spoken to me, but Camila had reassured me that she would, once she was feeling a little better about the meeting. I also got to hear the girls record some extras for the Reflection album, which was cool. After everything was said and done, we returned to the hotel, and slowly, we all ended up crawling into bed, Ally and Normani sharing, Lauren and Dinah on the couch and floor, and Me and Mila sharing a bed. Since she was on the phone, I was the first in the bed, having to endure the silence alone. I was starting to drift off into sleep when I felt the bed dip slightly.

“Good night, Paige.” Camila whispered, as I felt her body behind mine.

I smiled, “Night, Mila.”