through the phone | mileven texting au

twenty-nine

** TRIGGER WARNING **

"i'm fine"

"i'm feeling so much better."

"it was literally just a phase."

"stop worrying, i'm okay."

"all the things i said was a lie."

"i was just in a mood."

"i shook it all off."

7 sentences she repeated for the last 2 weeks. 7 lies she has been saying for the last 2 weeks. 7 lies that were now turning into the only things she says.

real emotions aren't a thing anymore.

at least not here in school or at home.

right now, el was on her way to the graveyard for the 16th time this month. in a row by the way.

her eyes were glassy from the lack of crying she did that day and well, she always knew bottling up her tears were the worst things for her.

"hey mom." el kneels down in front of her moms grave, "so i brought you u-uh.... i brought you a sunflower because i was walking past this area and they were really pretty and they just reminded me of you." she sets the small flower down

"i think today's the day mom. i woke up feeling terrible and i want it to stop. yeah i have felt a bit better the last few days because i came and talked to you about it but that feeling didn't last." el whispers

"i don't think i have bipolar anymore. i think it's just, d-depression." she sobs, burying her face into her palms, "i'm so sorry. i'm so so sorry. i'm sorry i let you down mom. you don't deserve me for a daughter."

"it should have been me. why was it you?" her voice cracks, "why was it you!?" she sobs harder

"you're so pretty, i wish i were more like you." she whispers, her fingers grazing over the grave softly

~

should i do it?

it'll help!

but will it?

this is permanent.

it's just like your fingernails but bigger and better!

but what if someone finds out?

then hide it.

will i die from it?

do you want to?

yes but i can't.

why can't you? it's your body.

but dad. no i can't do this.

do it!

it'll help!

you said if it got worse you'll do it!