My letter to you

I wish I could, but I can't

I wish I could say something,I wish I could bring up so many faults and so many times where you went wrong,I so wish I could. But you are so perfect.

I want to blame you, I want to say you did something wrong, but I can't. Everytime I see you you're always smiling, always joking. Everything's okay again. No human in this world is perfect but you, you just give off this energy that makes you so imperfectly perfect and I don't want that to change.

When everything went dark, of course you acted okay, I don't know how hurt you were, but I'm sure it affected you too. But you smiled, you made sure people got positivity from you and honestly... I'm so thankful for that.

But when things got dark I couldn't look at you, I couldn't face you, I couldn't face any of you because my gut told me that you were in the wrong and I didn't want any of you to be in the wrong in my eyes, especially not you. But I also had to choose.

I had to choose whether the world was going to abandon me or whether I was going to have to abandon the world, including you.

You were like a puppy I came across, looking for a place to call home, looking for attention, love, affection and just someone to call their own. Those puppy eyes filled with longing drew me in and after that everything was set, so that's why I didn't want to face you, because I had to choose whether or not to abandon you and I know I would've abandoned you.

I was a coward, fighting on the wrong side, maybe yeah I was but at the time I wanted to be the coward, the person fighting on the wrong side, instead of the person on the right side who kept hurting. Because when I was in the wrong side it felt somewhat right. That's why... that's why I didn't want to face you.

I'd have to see those huge puppy eyes and that soft smile and be reminded of the moment I chose to abandon you. I'm sorry I really am.

But you'll never know, so I'll live with that guilt of abandoning you, even if it was just for a while, so im happy you don't know, because that would've teared you apart a little bit inside.

I wish I could blame you, bring you down and tell you how much I hate you. But I can't, because I don't hate you and I would never bring bring you down.

And I could never blame you for this, because I'm the only one to blame. So thank you for drawing me in with those puppy eyes and that loving, caring and soft smile.