My letter to you

my distraction

You're the person I distracted myself with. I won't deny it. You didn't catch my eye at all when I first knew you. But I didn't want to fall for the person who caught my eye so I distracted myself with you.

At first all I wanted was for you to blind the light shining from the person I noticed, and for you to be my distraction. Nothing more nothing less. But once I got to know you everything just didn't go how I wanted it to.

Your eyes told stories of the things you'd seen, the were like a mirror, reflecting the pure heart you have. Even though you didn't act innocent. Not all the time anyway.

You were a total goofball, either picking a fight only to run away while laughing or messing an Americano onto your favorite sweater and making a song out of it, it was hilarious how you'd always make even a drastic moment so funny.

Until the darkness came. I'd never seen you so heartbroken. I'd never seen you cry like that. I'd never seen you beg for someone as much as you did. Asking for a promise because the one that was broken had broken your heart too.

When the darkness came I don't know how much it affected you. But I know it definitely affected you. It affected all of us. But you didn't show it, you hid it and left it to fester, like an untreated wound. The pain built up over the days and it must've been too much that day, because you completely broke down.

I don't know whether you blamed yourself. But if you do, I can't tell you to stop. Because you don't know me. The line that separates us allows me to only see from the outside. And honestly I'm okay with that.

I abandoned you too, and I regret it. But now I have to choose whether I have to abandon you again. And leaving you the first time was hard, I don't know how I'll cope if I have to leave a second time.

You weren't the first person to catch my eye, I used you as a distraction, but maybe it's because I used you as a distraction that I was able to see you.

You spoke so freely, judged so openly, let loose without caring. No one could tie you down. You were free. And watching you made me feel free. When you danced, when you sang, when you spoke, when you got so flustered at times.

I cherished them. Because they made me want to be free too, but you see, unlike you I can't be free. Because I'm tied down to my regrets.

But thank you for everything, your goofiness brightened up my days, even when you were a distraction. You were the best distraction I could ask for.