Hard To Love Again..

14. Hope keeps us going.

"I wanted to talk to you", she stated..
"Why? Is there anything else left which you could blame on me?", Loki retorted in an annoyed tone.
He was picking on his food with his fork violently, as he stared at his plate with cold gaze. On the other hand, Char's plate was untouched, her both hands were clasped together resting on her lap, her eyes fixed on Loki..

"I'm really sorry about that. I didn't mean it", she said in an apologetic manner.
His eyes were still fixed on his food, he smiled in response but his eyes remained angry.
" You didn't mean it?", he scoffed.
"I didn't", she said aloud. "I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't have acted that way. I wasn't in the best state of mind. It was wrong.. how I behaved with you yesterday."
"Oh, it was!",he looked up to meet her gaze. His eyes looked more hurt than angry.
"I kept calling you on your phone. I was worried about you.", he continued.
She looked down on the table.
"I must have left it somewhere, I dont know. I was too frustrated. I just wanted to get out of this house and do something about this situation. It felt like.. I was going crazy.."
"I am so sorry" She apologized again with her head down, her hands covering her face with exhaustion. Then, she looked back at him, waiting for a response.

"What really happened?", he asked her in a direct manner.
"I tried to go out, but I couldn't.. And that made me furious.", she confessed..
"What were you doing on the roof?"
"I panicked and I wanted to run somewhere...", she trailed off..
He observed how her expressions changed.
" Were you.." He proceeded to ask but was interrupted by her.
"No", she said.. " No, you don't need to worry about that", she said aloud, thinking about the times she tried to kill herself.
"You are doing everything which makes me worry", he said in plain frustration.
She gazed down grimly at the table, deep in thought for sometime.
"All I can say is.. it wasn't my intention"

"We can continue with the treatment by some other doctor.. If you dont find her helpful.. If you just tell me, I can-"
She held his hand, and that immediately silenced him..
"Loki.... Listen.." She gave his hand a gentle squeeze..
"I'd tell you if I'd like to go for another therapist. If.. If there's anything, I'd let you know."
She continued after pausing to ponder for a while,"It just gets overwhelming sometimes.."
It looked like she wanted to say more than just that. She glanced at him quickly and stopped herself, staring again at the surface of the table between them.

After a pause, she took a breath and said in a straight manner,
"I'm sorry I made you worry"
Looking at her eyes, which were soft with honesty; for a second, he wavered.
He blinked twice before, as he said,
"Your apology is not accepted",he stated coldly, almost pouting.
She pushed a bowl full of fruit salad infront of him.
"How about now?", she inquired.
"I might think of it later", he said in a contemplating tone.
"What else can I do for you?", she asked with a worried look on her face.
He thought for a while before answering,
"There is something you could do..."

_______

He was sitting in his room infront of the mirror, while Charlene stood behind him.
She looked confused and shocked as she said,
"I.. was not expecting that"
"What?"
"You.. letting me touch your hair"
He let out a small laugh at her reaction and then leaned back on his chair, in a much relaxed posture.
"Now.. lets begin..", he exhaled..

She carefully took hold of his locks, as though they were sacred.
"Its oily"
"Then wash it"
"Can I cut it?"
He closed his eyes a lighter tighter and pursed his lips in irritation.
"Absolutely NOT"
"Okayyy"
She replied in a sing song manner, in a very calm way as though she enjoyed to annoy him.
She observed his hair, by slowly taking some locks in her hands, then she tried pulling his chair towards the bathroom.
"It would be nice if you could assist in moving the chair, on which you are sitting like a rock"
He dragged the chair towards the bathroom while still sitting on it. He closed his eyes and rested his head over the basin. She started the water and massaged his head a little, as she made sure all of his hair were wet. His features relaxed more as she started with the hair wash, he was quietly purring as he felt himself relax as the water covered his hair. As she lathered shampoo over his hair, and started massaging deeper, his lips parted slightly with pleasure, his closed eyes and calm brows made him look serene.
A small smile formed on her lips when she glanced down at his peaceful face.
She softly formed circles with the pads of her fingers over his scalp. Then she proceeded to wash the shampoo, by gently massaging the roots of hair with her finger tips, under the running water.
He hummed in pleasure as a response.
When it was done, she gently tapped on his shoulder, to let him know. It took him time to sit up straight and then he ran his hand over his wet hair, and smoothly dried his hair in one swift motion.
"Thankyou", he mouthed while looking at her. His eyes sparked as he looked at her.  Then he went back to check himself in the mirror.
He fixed his hair in the mirror for a while and just when he turned around, he was interrupted by running water being thrown from the shower head right at his face.
He gasped audibly and looked at her, totally surprised.
She was grinning mischievously at him, which soon turned into a laugh as he kept staring at her, while he proceeded towards the basin. He pretended to wash his hands and then quickly threw water in her direction. She squealed in response, while shielding her face and started laughing again. She sprayed more water on him and he did the same in return..
The sound of their laughs echoed the room. Suddenly, he stopped and was beaming at her, his eyes grew with fondness as he looked at her gorgeous face lighting up as she laughed, her beautiful eyes twinkling as they got moist with tears as she laughed, and the sound of her laugh, he remembered he heard it after such a long time. It was after so long, that he saw her giggle so openly. It was as though the time itself stopped for him.
She was smiling widely at him, her big eyes looking at him with delight. His gaze turned gentler as he looked at her. Both of their faces were damp due to the water fight, they both smiled looking at one another affectionately.

__________

Loki smiled encouragingly at her, looking at her with concerned gaze. She nodded and smiled back, giving a signal that she will be fine.
Charlene and the therapist both agreed on engaging in face to face therapy session.
Just as the door bell rang, her leg, which was continuously moving up and down, stopped, her body turned stiff immediately and her face turned anxious as she looked over the door.
His hand came up gently over her knee, touching in a reassuring way. He looked at her and nodded in a way that offered support and strength.
He got up and proceeded towards the door, when he looked back, she looked very anxious as though ready to bolt.
"I'll be fine", she waved her hand as she saw concern on his face.
He nodded and opened the door. He chatted a while with the therapist at the door and allowed her inside.
When he looked back, Charlene was nowhere to be seen.
_____________

"I'll be back in a while.."
He heard her muffled voice from the otherside of the door.
"Are you feeling alright?", he asked.
"Yeah", she panted.
She breathed heavily, trying to stay calm from the anxiety symptoms she was experiencing.
He waited for a while, and when there was no response for a long time, he then said,
"I'll ask her to reschedule.."
"Can you open the door and let me see you?", he continued.
Again, there was no response from the other side of the door.
"Char? It's okay.."
"Can you hear me? Just let me know you are alright?"
"Fine", she answered.

______________

"Its perfectly alright, Mr. Hiddleston. . It was nice meeting you in person."
The therapist smiled and shook his hand.
He smiled in return and as he was about to escort her outside the house, he suddenly came to a halt.
They both looked in a direction and saw Charlene standing there infront of him..
"Hello..", she said to the therapist.
She still looked affected by her anxiety, she was panting slightly, her body was shaking. So many thoughts went through her mind, out of which she chose to focus on her own voice, which told her to remain strong and that it will all be fine.
Her voice quivered initially though, but when the therapist started with a small coversation, she felt better, afterall it was the same person who she had online sessions with. Even though she thought it wasn't that big difference, but talking with her when she was actually present felt more impactful.
When the session was over, Loki and Charlene, both accompanied the therapist to the door.

When they closed the door, they looked at one another and smiled gleefully. There was pure joy and relief on her face. Both of their eyes sparked with delight and satisfaction over this successfully completed task. Something which seemed so big and impossible since so many days.
His big smile faded very slowly as he gazed in her eyes. He leaned ahead and slowly pressed her forehead with his, in an intimate way. He nudged her forehead again, shutting his eyes, cherishing this feeling of closeness. Charlene responded in the same way almost unconsciously.
Then he rubbed his forehead gently over hers, barely touching her. He inhaled her scent, and as though he was under a spell, his lips parted slightly, and his breath became heavier. His nose kept touching hers lovingly, as though coaxing her in a very gentle way.
At this moment, the feelings inside his chest were so strong, and he knew that he loved her. This amount of closeness, this affection, he had hardly felt with anyone else.
Her hand came up to his chest for support, as he pulled her closer. Just like him, she was lost in the moment. As his parted lips touched hers, all of a sudden she pushed him away.
"No!", she almost yelled.
He looked at her in shock and his eyes looked hurt. He noticed her eyes were moist, and that she was equally shocked too.
"We shouldn't do this", she managed to speak under her breath.
He kept staring at her, and was at loss for words.. He nodded after a while..
"I apologize", he mumbled.

________