Hard To Love Again..

15. Here For You

Something didn't feel right. It was this weird kind of feeling in his chest. It made him uneasy and restless. He tried to regulate his breath, and he tried to control his slightly trembling hands. He paced around for a while, as he tried to feel better.
Everybody around him were busy in their work. He was actually too good at hiding, putting on a mask when things felt uncomfortable.
On the inside, he felt like running away somewhere, away from everyone.
He took a break, excused himself and disappeared into thin air.

He teleported to the hallway, right infront of her room. The door was closed but he knew she was in there. He stood there for few minutes. Contemplating, yet his mind was totally blank.
After few short breaths, he finally opened the door and peeked in.
Charlene was sitting infront of the canvas, holding a brush in her hand, as she glanced up towards the door. Her eyes looked shocked at first but after few moments it lit up, upon seeing him and she smiled warmly at him.
He smiled in response, his smile was strained. He looked desperate and troubled. She noticed that his body language appeared tensed but she didn't react to it.
She smiled at him and stood up from her seat, placing down the paint brush.
Loki stood at his place, not knowing what to do next, bewildered by his own actions. He didn't know why he felt this anxiety and why he teleported straight to her.
He still felt slightly breathless.
She came close to him and gazed at him with slight worry, but she maintained a comforting smile on her face.
"I just..", he cleared his throat.
He said after few moments,
"I don't feel fine", he admitted finally.
"I dont know.. I just.. I don't feel fine", he said defeatedly.
She drew him close in an embrace, her arms enveloping his upper arms, as she slowly patted his back.
He returned the hug after a while. His features were still pensive and tense, his body muscles were still stiff, he tried to breath normally, by shifting his focus on his breath as she soothingly patted and rubbed his back.
Then she made him sit down and relax until he felt calmer. He was quiet, and he looked less panicked than before. They sat together in silence, conversing a bit for a while, in between, until he felt better.

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He sat in the balcony with her by his side. She rubbed his hand with hers gently in a soothing way. He sat in silence, as though he was not wanting to speak anything at all, but he wanted her to be around him.
His throat felt a little tighter, as he tried to say something,
"I've done terrible mistakes, you know.. I have-"
He trailed off, as he glanced at her..
"I'm afraid I may never be able to make up to them. To all those people. They can never forgive me and the things I have done."
She held his hand in an assuring manner.
"No", he said.. "No, you can't say it wasn't my fault"
"But you were his victim. He made-"
"No. Not entirely. I wanted all that. I wanted to rule.", he stated.
He stared blankly ahead as he spoke to her, and Charlene's gaze turned towards him for a while, processing what he just said.
She deliberately looked away, not wanting to make him feel any more guilty than he already felt.
"I wanted that power", he stated blankly staring ahead in the night sky.
Loki could feel her anxiousness, though he never looked at her.
For few moments she felt lost too, and then she noticed his hand trembling as it was resting on his knee. She took his hand in hers, gently massaging it with her hands.
"You wanted that power, only to ease the pain you felt. You didn't do it on purpose. You are doing everything you can to protect people from threats like Thanos. And many see it. And few don't want to see it. You can't change how people think about you, Loki. They will find faults even when you are perfect."
He didn't say anything in reply. He didn't argue, just stared blankly towards the sky. She leaned towards him and placed her head on the side of his neck. He placed his arm around her waist, pulling her closer, as they snuggled.
When he felt calmer, his eyes trailed off towards his own hand in his lap, it was bluish in some areas, in patches. He was horrified upon seeing it. All this time, he was partly in his Jotun form.
While still resting her head on the side of his neck, she slipped her hand in his, and held it gently in a reassuring way. As though telling him 'Its fine'
For some reason, he didn't change his form right away. As if he wanted to observe more of her reaction to it.
"My eyes. Are they red?", he inquired knowingly.
"Yes", she answered as she turned again to look at his face closely.
Though his skin wasn't entirely blue, his eyes were bright crimson.
He looked at her with sadness in his eyes. She gazed into his eyes for few moments, her mind was lost somewhere momentarily and she leaned forward, closer to his face, almost unintentionally.
He looked into her eyes with confusion.
She immediately leaned back and her round eyes stared at him with surprise at her own actions.

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It was another session with the therapist. She made her wear VR headset, in which she was exposed to a virtual supermarket, with few people walking around, busy with shopping grocery item. She was told she had to walk around, pretending to shop in the supermarket.
At first it felt too difficult for her to wear the VR headset and do as she was told by the therapist. She felt too anxious to continue with it. Many times, she removed the headset, after being panicked by the situation.
But after a few tries, she could wear it for few minutes and pretend to walk a little in the shopping aisle. The therapist tried to distract her from her anxiety symptoms, by asking her questions about the items kept at the aisle.
While experiencing virtual reality therapy for a few sessions, Charlene understood that since its not real and she could stop experiencing it anytime by removing the VR headset, she felt very much in control and better able to manage the anxiety provoking situation.
She felt a little confident and hopeful about tackling her social anxiety in public.

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"I can't. I m sorry!", Loki said over the phone. He looked adamant and slightly irritated for having to explain himself.
"I m telling you I can't. I don't have to tell you the reason."
"No."
"If it was for a few days, I might have thought about it. But its two whole weeks!"
"Personal reason!", he almost snapped.
" I don't want your help in anything brother. I am telling you I can't join this mission."
He ended the call abruptly. He exhaled irritatedly. He was about to get up from his seat when he saw her standing at the doorway.
"I'm sorry I overheard this conversation. But may I ask what was that about?"
"It's nothing. I just don't want to join them in this current mission."
"Why so?", she inquired.
He sighed and paused a little before speaking,
"We have to go to Georgia and stay for atleast two weeks for this mission.", he said dejectedly.
" I don't wanna go.", he added.
"Why not? You'll have fun.", she replied cheerfully, trying to persuade him to contribute in the mission.
"Fun? Its a mission. We are not going for fun.", he stated.
"I know but you can have fun."
"No, I don't want to."
She pouted at his stubbornness.
"If you are worried about me, let me tell you, I can handle myself."
He shook his head from side to side.
"Loki, you should go. They need you."
"No. I can't go. I can't leave you here all by yourself"
She glared at him, "Are you trying to say I am the one holding you back?"
"No. I am just worried."
"You don't have to be! You can keep in touch with me. I'll be fine. I wouldn't like it if you don't go because of me"
He looked at her and sighed.

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