What Is This Family?!

S1 Ep11

*Confessional- Damian*

"I freaking hate my family!!!!! I hate Gale and Bree and Jason and Tim and Rudy and Babs and Dick!!!!! Cass and the babies had no part in this course of action, which is why I don't hate them. Anyway, the mentioned people completely trashed my social media accounts, and my social reputation at school. How were they able to do this feat? That is beyond me, because I don't remember telling them what my passwords are for my accounts."

*Cue theme song and intro video*

*Scene opens with the parents and Alfred giving the kids a lecture in the batcave. Or as it seems.*

"I cannot believe you seven would stoop this low and hurt our family in this way. Which is why I advised against the use of social media when you first got your phones." Alfred began.

"Alfred's right guys. We allowed you to have social media but under certain conditions. And the big one was not to toy around with each other's accounts. Didn't we say this?" Diana inquired.

"Yes." Everyone replied.

"What I want to know is why and how you did this. You all know that we are the face of Gotham and must maintain our behavior at all times." Bruce said.

"Okay! Story time! So we're at the mall since it's Saturday, right? Damian dares Jason to steal  something from that store Bass Outdoors or whatever. And Jason sprints in there and we all follow, right? So the rest of us are just browsing the aisles and then over the store's PA system we hear, "Gale Wayne? Please come to the front desk and retrieve your brother." And Jason got mad at Damian for ending up in the holding area." Dick explained. Gale rolled her eyes.

"Dad, that's not the actual story. We went to the mall and Damian said to me, "Betcha you can't steal that necklace from that display." We had just walked past Pandora, the jewelry shop. I refused so he went to go bother the others. Then we all go into the Outdoors Bass Pro shop. I was admiring the display of bows and arrows, because I was thinking of buying a bow and a quiver. Then I hear this. "Abigale Wayne, please come to the front desk to retrieve your siblings." And I walked down to the front desk and everyone, but Damian, was sitting on that little bench they have. Damian walked up with a smirk on his face and said, "Told ya you couldn't do it." They got mad and started attacking him, which is why he has a poorly wrapped hand." Gale told the real story.

"And then, they all threatened to expose my "abusive" secrets on my accounts. I scoffed and didn't believe them. Hours later, my phone is blowing up with comments from people saying that I should be put in jail for abusing my family members. And apparently, the story is that I dared them to break the law and then beat them to a bloody pulp when they refused." Damian added his input.

Bruce, once hearing that, got up and left the batcave. Alfred sighed, as he knew why his surrogate son had left.

"Alright, we'll decide on your punishment later. For now, everyone but Gale can go stay in their rooms until dinner." Diana ordered.

The kids all left the remaining adults and almost adult.

"Alfred, do you know why Bruce left like that?" Diana asked once everyone was out of earshot.

"Yes, indeed I do, Mistress Diana. Master Bruce was one of the many people who commented that Damian should be thrown in jail. I do believe he thought it was someone else other than his own son." The old man answered.

"Dang! What's his punishment gonna be? A year off patrol?" Gale teased.

"First, we should suspense everyone from patrol for a month. And as for your father...." Diana trailed off.

*Scene changes to see the family in the dining room, eating steak and mashed potatoes.*

"So what's the punishment, Mom?" Barbara asked.

"I've decided that all of you who participated in Damian's game will be suspended from patrol for a month. That includes you, Damian." Diana replied.

Everyone groaned. Gale stifled a laugh for what was coming next.

"And as for Master Bruce, I know why you left so quickly upon hearing about the comments Damian received. You happened to be one of the commenters, were you not?" Alfred began. 

Everyone stared at Bruce, waiting to see his response. After what seemed a long ten minutes, Bruce sheepishly nodded his head to say yes. This made all the kids to gasp in surprise.

"Father! Why would you do such a thing?!" Damian cried.

"In my defense, I thought I was replying to someone else's post. I didn't read the account name." Bruce held his hands up in surrender.

"Anyways, Master Bruce, since you contributed in such acts, as your surrogate father, I order you a ten month suspension off patrol and you are to hand me your cell phone upon returning home after work each day until those ten months are up. You will also have to clean your room on your own, as well as the entirety of the Batcave. You will not have any help. In addition, you must help me prepare the meals every day until your ten month suspension is over. Also you must dress in a pink nightgown every night. And when you must take necessary outings, a rabbit onesie outfit you must wear. Do I  make myself clear?"

Bruce mumbled something under his breath. Alfred whacked him on the back of his head with a frying pan.

"I repeat, do I make myself clear?" Alfred said once more. Bruce held his head in pain.

"Yes! I'm sorry!" Bruce yelped. All the kids laughed out loud. Diana simply just smiled.

*Confessional-Bruce*

"I really love Alfred as a father but sometimes he goes too far. I haven't had to clean my own room since I was a kid! Alfred always cleans the rooms! And I have to clean the entire Batcave by myself without any help?! The basement is a huge space! There's no way I can clean it on my own. And if I have a public conference to attend or to appear on the news, I have to wear a bunny onesie?! Outrageous!  I guess wearing a pink nightgown to bed isn't that bad. I mean, only Diana and the kids will see me wear it, and it's only to bed. But still! A ten month suspension off patrol?! Who's going to take on the Batman mantle until that time is up? Surely not Gale, and definitely not any of the boys. Gale is almost the right height but she's a girl! Everyone will know she's not the real Batman. I suppose I could allow Superman or Martian Manhunter to take my place. Superman has the ability to speak in the voice of another person. And Manhunter can shapeshift into me so he'll look and talk like me. But still, I don't like the sound of that. Maybe I can convince them that it was one of them who had done what I did so that I can continue being Batman."

*Camera pans over to Bruce and Diana, getting ready for bed. Diana is putting pajamas on the babies. Bruce is considering whether or not to kill himself.*

"Bruce, if you stand there looking at that nightgown any longer, I'll dress you myself." Diana said.

"But I don't want to wear it!"

"You have to, otherwise, I'll tell a lie on public news." Diana smirked.

"Oh? What lie would you say that hasn't been said already?" Bruce asked.

"You know that song Dick made up, the one that goes to the tune of Bingo? I think it went something like this. I made this valentine for you, the heart says I Love You H-E-A-R-T H-E-A-R-T H-E-A-R-T, the heart says I Love You!" Diana sang the children's song.

"Yeah, Dick sings it all day on the fourteenth of February. What's that got to do with your lie?" Bruce replied.

"I'll say that you listen to that song to bed every night, and while you're at the gym." Diana smirked as she laid the babies down in their cribs.

"You wouldn't."

"Oh, I will. But that can be stopped if you just put on that thing!"

Bruce quickly threw the long pajama shirt over his head and got into bed. Diana smiled and kissed him good night. The lights went off shortly after and all was quiet.