The Seat We Sit On (HFS #1)

seat #3

Rejection. That is one of the things I am afraid the most. Many opportunities became 'what-ifs' just because I was afraid to try doing things I liked the most.

Frederico Alvarez. Naging classmate ko siya three years ago. Nasa section A pa ako noon. After every quarter examination, there will be top ten students in every grade level. Unfortunately, kaming dalawa ang naglalaban dati para sa tenth spot. I was competitive. Ayaw niya namang nauungusan. Dumagdag pa ang favoritism kaya nahirapan kaming dalawa makapasok sa top ten. It will always be just one of us. The other's name will be left unannounced.

Ang kaibahan namin, sikat siya. Marunong siyang makisama at magdala ng usapan. Samantalang ako'y seatmates lang ang kakuwentuhan. His popularity, among other qualifications, I think, was what made him won as a governor during our first year's Student Body Government election.

It pressured me. Papaano ako? Mas lumala 'yong takot ko lalo na noong iyong isa naming kaklaseng obvious na paborito ng adviser namin ay hindi bumababa sa pangatlong spot kahit na halos bagsak ang scores niya sa lahat ng exams. That's why I decided to befriend the classroom's secretary, Owen. Yes, we both came from section A. Our only difference is that I was transferred during grade eight while he did on grade nine.

Naisip ko noon na kaibiganin si Owen dahil siya ang tagalista ng noisy. I would always bribe him to list Rico's name in exchange of food or sometimes, money so that Rico's points will be deducted if there's a quiz and of course, humiliation on his name. Sa ganoon, bababa ang grades ni Rico. Petty, right? Because of academic validation, pressure, the need to fit in, and grades, we tend to do even the most unfair things.

Nalaman iyon ni Rico hindi nagtagal. Naging matabil ang dila niya niya sa akin. I experienced it first hand. That day...that day when I was so enthusiastic in joining the Poster Making contest held in our school for the celebration of Science Fest, yet he just crushed me in few words.

"The winner will be Collins High School's representative for the district competition of Science Quest. Many high schools will surely join, more so, the prestigious ones. Do you think, your messy art style would be qualified?" he coldly asked. "Even in the top five?"

Cold chills blew on my nape. Mas hinigpitan ko ang pagkakakapit sa cardboard kung nasaan nakapinta ang piyesa ko sa audition. I was standing in front of Grade-7 advisers and all sections' class organization officers. Lahat ng mga mata nila ay nasa akin.

Lumunok ako. My fingers were shaking. My palm, sweating. Rico straightened on his seat. His eyes were sharply staring at my piece. Eyebrows were dark and furrowed.

Anong ibig niyang sabihin? Messy? Should all artists have to stick with a standard art style?

Sinulyapan ko ang sariling gawa. There were brushy lines, gestural strokes, and colors that were scattering. When I did this, I focused more to the flow of emotions rather than having the line art being intentionally clean or having particular color on each element.

Ngumiti ako kahit na kinakabahan Nang sobra. "I'm n-not sure...f-for I don't know the judges' criteria but-"

He stood up. "You're not even confident with your own craft. How can you ace the competition? That alone speaks a lot, right?"

I looked down. The mischievous smirk he did replayed in my mind. Kumunot ang noo ko. Teka? Bakit ba siya nakikialam?!

I gazed at his ruthless eyes. "Please be careful with the words you weave. You m-might shatter other's self-esteem if you keep doing-"

"You mean, your self-esteem?" Rico chuckled with sarcasm. He always cuts me whenever I speak!

"So, will you just stand there? You're not the only one who auditioned. Next!"

Glancing at the front, I noticed how the teachers seemed to agree with him. My fists clenched. Grudge was all I felt. Dismayado akong umiling habang tinitignan sila.

Had I known that my style's too messy for them, I thought again if it's still fine that I auditioned 'cause I just wanted to showcase what I've got.
But after being eyed by my teachers from head to toe, maybe I should just stay at the audience, watch them get the recognition I was yearning to receive. The validation I get online whenever I anonymously post my art didn't even help justify my qualification to compete.

Gumilid ako sa sulok nang marinig ang papuri nila sa isa pang kaklaseng nagtry-out din. The girl's artwork right now, I couldn't even fathom her concept. Yes, it's aesthetically pleasing to the eyes but failed to convey its meaning. It's like putting appealing elements that that don't compliment each other in a single canvas. Like a snowflake falling on a flame or a sunset without hues in the horizon, it either lacked sense or simply didn't fit in.

Chest clenching, tears began to cloud my eyes. The truth is, the other girl's artwork is fine. I was just bitter and hurt to accept the truth. Nang nakita ang pagpalakpak ni Rico sa isa pang sumunod, tumalikod na ako.

Staying for what? Doon ko lang napagtanto ang mga klase ng taong hihilain ka pababa. If a person is not a walking jealousy, he's a talking gunshot of insults. That time, I chose to dodge it even if it did hit me to the depth.

Ngayong nasa grade ten na kami, nalaman-laman kong siya pala ang nanalo bilang president sa Student Council. That's why whenever I have a chance, I would always write and doodle on the newly painted walls, doors, and seats as an act of silent rebellion against him. Parang napapasunod naman niya kasi lahat ng estudyante. Lagyan ko lang ng kunting thrill para hindi naman boring para sa kaniya.

Kaso ngayong nakita ko siya ulit, hindi ko alam kung anong dapat kong maramdaman. I am unsure if it's nervousness because of the heavy thumps inside my chest...or the uneasy feeling on my stomach like all the demons that were caged in for a long time are freed. I lean back to the wall and sigh.

I wipe away a lone tear. Pagkatapos noon, nawalan ako ng gana mag-aral. My grades dropped lower than those in the lower sections. I just found myself being admitted in Section C the next school year. Magtatatlong taon na ako ngayon doon.

They always asked me, "Just for a guy, you gave up your acads?"

Hindi.

They did not understand where I was rooting from. They always thought that I had petty feelings for Rico just because. No one ever concluded that I was an aspiring artist...a dreamer...a wishful thinker that someday, society might realize that not every passion can be found in the school, not every profession can be honed inside the four corners of a classroom.

But now, I could not even do a single portrait. I cannot fathom the emotions of colors anymore. The stroke of paint brush doesn't feel the way it was. Kahit ang paghawak ng paleta ay tila kay hirap na.

I loath him. Sobra. Umasa talaga akong hindi sana siya makita ngayong school year kasi halos lahat ng officers noong first semester ay busy. Yet, we just bumped on each other earlier.

Bad luck, I guess?

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mary mnemosynth