The Seat We Sit On (HFS #1)

seat #36

The tiles, albeit after the mopping, still have traces of dirt that are impossible to remove. Adding to it are the footprints of legs passing by. Continuously. Nurses walking here and there. Some relatives of other patients are nagging because their loved ones are almost dying yet there are no enough doctors that attend in this hospital.

My eyes shift on the door. Kanina pa iyon sarado. Wala akong magawa kung hindi ang maghintay lang. Dapat ba hindi ko siya tinawag para hindi siya tumawid? Sana tinakbo ko na lang ang layo namin para hindi siya nabangga. Kasalanan ko ito. Kasalanan ko ito!

My feet are frozen. Even when I am merely sitting outside the emergency room, my heartbeats keep on rummaging. Ang mga kamay, nanlalamig. I want to cry to vent out, but the turmoil inside me does not want to come out. Nananatili lang akong tulala sa lahat ng nangyayari.

Sana hindi ko na lang siya tinawag. E 'di sana hindi siya tumakbo palapit sa akin. Hindi Sana nangyari lahat ng ito. If something worse happens to her, I probably would not forgive myself forever.

A lot of people are passing by, but my eyes stay on the door, waiting for the doctor to come out and assure me that my mother is fine. Kaso habang pumapatak ang bawat segundo, mas lalong namumuo ang pangambang nararamdaman ko. Mas lalong nawawalan ng pag-asa.

My reverie vanishes when my phone lights up and Rico's mother, Tita Celeste, is calling. I gather a deep inhale, calming myself first before answering. Wala pa man akong sinasalita, sumalubong na sa akin ang tila aligaga niyang boses.

"I thought you're doing your best to convince my son? Why does it seem like you're gonna be the reason of his downfall?!”

Napamaang ako. “P-Po?”

I am still in the state of processing what she just said when she drops the call. Ano ulit? Si Rico? Bakit? What did Rico do again for his mother to yell at me like that in a call? Magkasama lang kami kanina, ah? Why would I be his downfall? I am helping him prepare his requirements.

My grip around my phone tightens. I do not want to understand everything right now. In fact, I cannot. Si mama, wala pang resulta kung okay lang ba. If she did successfully go out of the emergency room, what should I worry next? Medicines? Maintenance? Hospitable bills? It all boils down to money. Where would I get it? Oh, god!

And Rico? I don't know.

“Freesia!”

Sumulyap ako sa pinanggalingan ng sigaw. Tiya Dahlia in her red bodycon dress, still with her pearls and in stilettos, marches her way towards me. Behind her are some of their house helpers.

“What happened to Ate Florence? Saan ka ba galing at hinayaan mo?” gigil niyang bulong. Panic is visible in her tone no matter how much she conceals it with her poise.

Nanginig ang mga labi ko. I shake my head upon hearing the last question. Hindi. Hindi ko iyon sinadya! Hindi ko ito ginusto! Justifications cry in my mind for I cannot accept the blame from others yet.

“Sama ka nang sama kay Rico! Puro 'yang lalake na lang ang inaatupag mo. Saan ba kayo nagpunta at kailangan ka pang hanapin sa gitna ng kalsada, ha?”

Ang dami niyang tanong. They keep on echoing inside my head, pointing a finger at me. I close my eyes, preventing to see the figure those words are creating. But my ears, they are not covered yet, so I hear the mocking laugh from the echoes. No, it is not from my Aunt nor from anyone in this area. It is from the questions, the words,the blame. They overlap, then mix, and then form a whole new statement – it is MY fault!

Hindi nga sabi!

I focus my sight on my aunt. “Sinamahan ko lang ho si Rico para sa admission test niya. Medyo natagalan lang umuwi. Hindi ko naman ho ginusto na mangyari kay mama 'to.”