The Seat We Sit On (HFS #1)

seat #34

The summer air of May does not resonate with the cold I feel within. The final examination came like a whirlwind. Fast. I couldn't even grasp the possibility of passing. There is a lump in my chest, thinking I might fail. But the vacant times give me a clear slate - college. Unlike when I was in Collins High, I did not have a hard time here asking for my good morals certificate.

It is a sunny day, again, this 2018. The rays of the sun seem to be guiding me to my path, like nothing is going to fail. Hawak ang envelop kung nasaan ang mga requirement ko sa enrollment, I kiss goodbye to my mother's forehead. Pagtapak ko sa stone-cobbled pathway, noon ko lang napansin na parang . . . parang ang liwanag ng kapaligiran. It did not feel like this way before. The melancholic lush green gives off a bright aura. Ang mga halaman, ang fountain na hindi umaandar, at bagong lagay na duyang kahoy sa gild ay animo'y kumikislap sa sinag ng araw.

I thought, it ends there. This feeling. But then, as I open our rusty gate, Rico's smile, albeit did not reach his eyes, adds to what I am feeling. Napakurap-kurap ako. Bakit siya nandito?

"I won't disturb you. Gusto lang kitang samahan," sabi niya sa tonong nag-iingat. His eyes are cautious as well, different from before. Way long ago, when we did not reconcile yet.

Hindi ko alam kung iyon bang malumanay na pakiramdam ko bago lumabas o iyong ngiti niya ang nagpapayag sa akin. I even let him hold my other hand as we ride in a tricycle.

"Thanks. Pero hindi pa rin tayo bati," ani ko. Hindi siya sinusulyapan. I continue ignoring him like he is merely a random dead leaf on the ground even though I already want to jump on him, hug his nape around, or kiss him with longing.

"I know."

We did not talk the whole ride but he kept on glancing at me. I failed to ignore how his hand covers the top of my head whenever the road is bumpy. How he grips my hand that he was holding whenever he senses my nervousness. How he kisses the back of my palm like he is afraid I'd vanish.

My heart hurts. Parang hindi ko na kaya ito. I want to cling into his arms without hesitation. I want my fingers to comb his hair freely. I want to do the things I usually do to express my love for him and it all sums up to the fact that I miss him. As we go in to my first choice of university, gumanti ako sa hawak niya. I intertwine our fingers. He clears his throat. Mas hinigpitan niya ang hawak. "I miss this. I miss you, Eshang."

I bite my lips. "Tara na."

The course that I want is not available. Kaya naman nagtingin ulit kami ng iba pa. The first thing that I really consider is the availability and convenience of the place. I don't want to be away from my mother. If there isn't, if there really isn't, then I will try to accept that. As long as I won't be forced to leave my mother in the pursuit of education.

At wala nga.

Tanggap ko naman.

Tatanggapin ko.

I sigh as I enroll in the course that I consider as a plan B. Rico kisses my temple. I expect him to say that it is fine even if it feels heavy on my side. Not even a word escapes his mouth, but a subtle hug. My lips stretch into a smile.

Iniliwaliw ko ang sarili sa pagtahi ng bonet at pagpinta sa pinakapaborito kong parte ng mukha ni Rico para sa birthday niya. On May 24, he will turn seventeen.

Through the mellow orange light from the lamp, I stare at the canvas. Hindi ko na pinintahan lahat kaya hindi solido ang background. The brush strokes near the edges are thick and messy. Naglalaro ang kulay sa pagitan ng itim, kayumanggi, at kahel. Sa pinakagitna ang kaliwang mata niya. The cognac brown iris stares at me down to my soul, as if it knows my deepest secrets, my hidden desires. I am not into realism but as much as I can, I pour my soul to make his infamous hawkish eye comes to life. Isinama ko rin ang salamin niyang minsan ko lang nakitang isinuot niya. It was when we was playing with his Rubik's cube while sitting on the staircase at the end of the hallway of Collins High.

There are petals of Freesia carved near the edges of the brush strokes. Dinama iyon ng kamay ko. The thin strokes of paint pierce through the pad of my fingers. It is subtle, just like my obsession for him. Damn, I am sick. I don't want to be very possessive of him, so I only convey that intensely fragile side of me through this hoping he won't fathom its meaning.

Sumapit na nga ang kaarawan niya. As usual, his mother assures that it is gonna be grand. May party na naman ulit sa baba, puno ng mga negosyante at pulitiko. Some of Rico's classmates are all here. I am still not used to it, joining something out of my reach. So, I just decided to settle playing with the kids. Mas madali pa silang pakitunguhan. Doon lang ako, nang tawagin ako ni Rico.

"Ano bang kukunin mo?" Humalakhak ako at naupo sa malambot niyang kama. Hinawi ko pa ang buhok sa isang balikat dahil pinagpapawisan ako. I enjoyed playing with his younger cousins. Pinaypayan ko pa ang sarili bago bumaling sa kaniya.

Halos mabuwal ako sa kinauupuan nang matanaw siyang nakaawang ang mga labi. His brown eyes molded in that hawk shape intently stare at me under the influence of low alcohol, scaring my skin in heat and passion. Gushing over me are the extreme thuds of my heart as he walks closer.

And then both his arms jail me on the sheets of his bed. My cheeks burn. Halos malito ang mga mata ko kung anong uunahin. Ang mga mata ba niya, kilay, ilong, o ang mga labing parang malambot at nang-aakit. O baka distansiya ba ng mga ito sa akin habang humahaplos ang mainit niyang hininga sa balat ko.

"Damn. Ay-ayaten kan," he murmurs.

His face draws nearer til there is no gap in between our lips. My mind goes blank as a new canvas. He paints it with hot colors of desire residing on his tender eyes. Nalasing ba 'to sa wine?

"Rico?"

Gumalaw ang mga labi niya nang sinakop ang akin. He palms my chin. A thumb caresses my cheek. A gasp escapes from me as I pull his shirt from frustration. He groans. The kiss deepens, as if the concept of space is not existing. My hands wander on his hair, messing his wavy strands. Heat spreads all over me like wild fire, letting him burn me to ashes, letting him destroy me how he wants to. Hanggang siguro maubos ako, hinding hindi ako tatanggi, basta siya.

Nakapikit siya. My eyes open and meet the stare of my painting on the wall. Nauna ko na iyong ibinigay kanina. I did not know that he immediately hanged it here in his room. Rico, are you obsessed with me as much as I do?

Breathless, he stops. My eyes stays on his red swollen lips. I did that.

"Okay. I'll take care of my requirements. Mag-aaral ako sa Centro. I'll do what you want but please, don't ever ignore me again. Ang hirap. Nakakasabik kahit magkalapit lang tayo."

Ang sakit. I want to kiss him again and forget everything just so I could mend the pain I caused him these past few days. At this moment, I want him to just follow the path he himself wants, not the one that others planned for him. I want him to know that I am going to be proud no matter what, and that I will stay by his side and cheer for him.

But my phone rings, waking me up from my reverie, that I should not have been lying here on his bed, grasping for air, cheeks as hot as fire. A message from Ate Marley pops on the screen. I tap the notification.

'Bebe, uwi ka muna. Dumating Daddy mo. Nagpapanic si Florence.'

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mary mnemosynth