The Seat We Sit On (HFS #1)

seat #37

I have been expecting a conflict within our relationship. Hindi naman kasi pwedeng wala, hindi ba? Because that's not how it works. But no matter how hard I try to prepare, life still manage to surprise me even at my lowest points. Grabe sa isang bagsakan, walang patawad!

Though, I admit that it is my own choice. I am the one opting to let go. I am the one who wants us to stop. To end it here. Because it is not bearable enough for me anymore. But then, Rico is stubborn. Never in my whole life did I think that way about him. Ngayon lang.

Still with my trembling hands, I pack all the necessary things so I can go back to the hospital in a minute. Kasama ko si Ate Marley babalik, ngunit halos wala pa rin ako sa wisyo kaya siya na ang nag-tsi-check ng bahay bago kami umalis.

Akmang ila-lock na niya ang gate nang may bultong dumating. It is Rico, still with his swollen eyes. His jaw clenches yet longing is written on his face. “Freesia, can we talk for a minute? Kung ayaw mo na talaga ako makita, huli na 'to.”

Sighing, I glance at Ate Marley. She nods. “Huwag lang magtatagal, ha?”

“Opo.”

I sign Rico to follow me. We walk and walk until we stop in front of a dead tree. Nakatumba na ito kaya naisipan kong umupo roon. Rico follows and sits beside me, too.

“Kung ano man 'yong mga sasabihin mo, pakibilisan. Iyong mga dala namin, baka kailanganin na agad,” sambit ko habang hindi makatingin sa kaniya. I might take back everything that I have said. I might not want to break up with him anymore. I might not mind what his mother or my aunt will say anymore. I might let my selfish side win by hindering him from achieving what he should deserve.

“I still don't understand the need to break up with me just for me to go to Ashmore.”

“Bata pa tayo. It's better to focus on more important things. Like your studies.”

Yeah, you're just eighteen. I'm barely twenty. So what? Ikaw ang gusto ko kasama sa pagtupad ng mga pangarap ko! It does not include being away from you, Freesia!”

“Rico, pagod na ako,” tanging bulong ko.

There is still a flicker of hope in his eyes as he shifts his body to totally face me. “If I'd agree to this breakup and walk the path my mother wants me to go, if I'd be successful already, would you allow me to come back to you? O babalik ka pa ba sa akin?”

That actually sounds promising – an assurance despite everything crumbling down upon me. A new sun rising in the morning amidst the moonless night. Yet, I do not want him to imprison himself to me. Baka kasi . . . hindi rin naman matutupad. Baka hindi rin naman siya makakabalik. I shake my head while looking at the blue sky where some flocks of birds are flying. “You don't have to stick yourself with me. Malawak ang mundo.”

“But I want to,” he calmly says.

I want it . . . too. I want to tighten my grip. I do not want to let you go the more you stay longer with me. “Ikaw bahala kung babalik ka pa.”

“Babalik ako.”

Bumalik ang tingin ko sa kaniya. I swallow the hard lump on my throat, finding words I do not mean to say but I have to. “Don't promise something that is not certain.”

His eyes blink thrice. Mas lumapit ang katawan niya sa akin. “I'm sure of this,” he mutters. “Can I hug you for the last time? My mom and I already talked. Bukas ang alis ko papuntang Ashmore.”

Natigilan ako. Ang bilis! With no hesitation, I snake my arms around his nape, not wanting to let go. I close my eyes to feel the embrace filled with faint sobs and my beating heart. Tila lahat ng pinipigilan kong emosyon, bumuhos na parang ulan.