So it goes [Breakable Heaven #1]

8. It's just like any other day

The moment I wake up I immediately realize it's going to be a bad day, even before opening my eyes. First of all, I can hear the rain pattering on the window, and that alone puts me in a very bad, melancholic mood, as I absolutely hate this weather! Alright, I don't hate hate the rain - I love staying in bed all day, watching it pour from the sky - but I can't stand being out in it. I come from Los Angeles, I am not programmed to be at ease in the rain!

Then I remember what day it is, and I wonder how it is possible that I had almost forgotten, that I haven't gulped the moment I read the date of the conference on Violeta's email. Yet I have, and now I'm here, cursing myself for not turning the opportunity to come here down.

I have to fight against all my instinct not to pull the blanket over my head, tell Rory that I am terribly sick, too sick to attend the conference, and hide in this hotel room until the day passes. The only reason why I don't actually do it is that I would spend all the hours that separate me from midnight wallowing in self-pity, and I definitely don't want to do that. Plus I know the school has spent quite a lot of money to get me to that conference, and I would feel terrible to waste it just because it happened to be on October thirteenth.

Today would have been my eighth anniversary with Lilian, instead, it's just another day without her in my life.

Eight years. I know that, in the grand scheme of things, eight years aren't that much time. I'm almost thirty-three, which means that I've spent more than three-quarters of my life without Lilian in it, and if you put it that way eight years aren't that big of a deal, yet sometimes they feel like more. They feel like a lifetime.

I still remember the night we met, when I saw her leaning against the counter of a gay bar on Sunset Boulevard, wearing a button-down and a vest, running a hand through her red hair like the most casual gesture ever, but it had such an effect on me that I knew I had to meet her. And she was actually the one who came and talked to me - bought me a beer, started chatting me up. Three hours later we were in her bed, and the rest is history. Or at least it was, for as long as it lasted.

I shake my head as hard as I can, as if I could make the memories go away just like that. Last night Rory told me I should share them, that keeping everything inside cannot help, but today of all days I don't think I can even mention Lilian without having a major break down, so what I am going to focus on is just getting through the day and actually understand something about the conference without letting the thought of Lilian take over me. We always tell our students that they need to set realistic, attainable goals for themselves, so that's exactly what I am going to do today. Sometimes the best we can do is just survive.

I get up and go to the bathroom. First thing first, I need to have a chat with myself, so I place myself in front of the mirror and stare at my reflection with a serious expression.

"Alright, you're going to get through this. Just... don't expect anything, ok? I know there's a part of you that is hoping she will somehow get in touch with you, but we both know she won't. She probably doesn't even remember what day it is... she was bad at anniversaries when you were actually together, so why would she remember it now that you're over? So... no expectations, ok? Nothing is going to happen, it's just like any other day."

I squint at myself, just to make sure that the delusional part of me has understood my warning, then I get in the shower and start getting ready for the day. The water is hot, almost boiling hot, just as I like it, and I wish I didn't have to go out of it. It's relaxing, though, and it definitely makes me feel a little better. Maybe today won't be as catastrophic as I expected it to be.

I meet Rory for breakfast and it takes her one good look at me to immediately spot that something isn't quite right. I wonder when she has become so good at reading my moods, and the answer scares me a little. I am usually quite good at hiding what I'm really feeling, and knowing there is someone who can catch on to my state of mind kind of freaks me out.

"Out with it, what is it?" she almost orders me.

"You know bossy women turn me on?" try to change the subject, but once again Rory sees right through me.

"Nice try, but luckily I am immune to your sexual charm, so spill it. What's bothering you?"

I sigh and I feel like a pathetic loser. I didn't want to tell Rory about this day, I was hoping I could just go through it faking if not a good mood, at least a more decent one than I actually have. I know I could lie, I could tell her that I got my period or some shit like that, but for some reason, I don't.

"Today would have been my and Lilian's eighth anniversary. I woke up and, when I realized what day it was, I just wanted to skip the conference and go back to sleep. God, it pisses me off that she still has so much power over me and my mood!" I groan, taking a sip of my tea.

"Don't beat yourself up over this, Sash! It's perfectly normal to be sad today, because it was supposed to be a special occasion for the two of you. I would be surprised if you weren't in a bad mood."

"I'm sure you're just saying this because you're tired of me whining over this," I snort, immediately feeling worse for diminishing her attempt to comfort me.

"I'm not, and I'm gonna prove it to you! Tonight, after the conference, we're going out, and you can bend my ears talking about Lilian. And I can stop you from getting alcohol poisoning."

"You don't have to..."
"I want to," she interrupts me. "We can go wherever you want, just promise me you're not going to throw up, because it disgusts me and I am not sure I can handle it."
"I won't," I laugh. "I don't get that wasted anymore. Thank you, then. It's really nice of you."

"You're very welcome. Now, what do you say we get to that conference and we try to learn something about teacher training?"

I nod and wolf down my breakfast.

The conference venue isn't that far from the hotel, just five subway stops, so when we get there we're still a little bit early. We have time to smoke a cigarette and take in our surroundings. It's the first time I attend such an event, and by the look of it it's going to be very interesting and a lot of fun, too. I am immediately attracted by a booth selling books - I can't help it, books are like a drug to me. I take Rory's arm and drag her there, handing her over my wallet so she can stop me from buying every single title to booth offers.

"You do know they're all textbooks, right?" she mocks me.

"Of course, but that doesn't make them any less appealing!" I shrug. A book is a book is a book.

"I think you can get the digital copy for free if you sign up with the school name," she reads the sign on the side of the booth.

I make a disgusted face at her mentioning the digital copies. "I said I want a book, not a stupid file on my computer."

"You're such a snob," Rory laughs, but lets me browse all the books on the table, until I decide I'm going to buy the Holy Grail of English language teaching: Learning Teaching, by Jim Scrivener. I used it when I was taking my classes to get the Certificate of English Language Teaching to Adults, and I've always wanted to own a copy of it, but never gotten around to actually buying it.

When Rory and I take our sit in the big conference room, I feel like a little girl on Christmas day, holding my new book in my hands.

Maybe today isn't going to be as bad as I thought it would.