So it goes [Breakable Heaven #1]

41. All that matters is how you feel

I walk back to my apartment with my legs so heavy I can barely lift them to properly put one foot in front of the other. The events of the past half-hour are like a haze in my brain and I can't really wrap my mind around what has just happened. I cannot believe Rory ended things between us. Everything was going so well, we got through what I thought was the biggest obstacle in our relationship - actually defining it - and it had been so smooth that I could never see an end coming. And yet, it did.

Part of me still thinks Rory just needs time to process, to get comfortable with the idea that Jean knows about us, but there's another part, the one that has been badly hurt by Lilian, that cannot afford to dwell on the possibility of Rory ever coming back. When Lilian disappeared, I kept holding out hope that it could just be a temporary situation, and I ended up not only terribly disappointed, but completely crushed when the break-up became official, so now I can't make the same mistake. I can't be optimistic and believe that Rory will see reason only to be disappointed and hurt again.

Right now, though, I can't think of that. Right now I have to go back upstairs and talk to Jean, explain five months of lies and secrets, and apologize for not being truthful to her, hoping she will understand and forgive me.

The moment I open the front door I find Jean waiting for me.

"Where is Rory?"

I take a deep breath and try to disconnect my heart from my brain so I can talk to her without being overwhelmed by the sadness that I'm feeling.

"She's gone, we... we broke up." I wish I didn't feel this unbearable pain in my chest by saying those words out loud.

"Wait, you broke up?? So you were... you were together? Like together together??" she almost yells, and every single word she pronounces is like a stab to my heart.

"Yeah... we were."

"Oh." I know she has more to say, but the look on my face probably stops her. I must look devastated, because she just pulls me in her arms and tells me that everything is going to be ok. It's not, but it's nice to hear.

"Let's grab a beer and sit down," I say after a few moments. "I'll tell you everything."

I start from the beginning - she already knows when Rory and I bonded, but I tell her about karaoke night and how I realized I was attracted to her, and all the flirting that came before and after that night. I recount the events of the Murder Mystery dinner, when Rory and I almost kissed, and how we talked a lot over the Christmas holidays and that when we got back to school the flirting intensified so much that I knew it wasn't just a game anymore. I tell Jean about our first kiss in the school restroom, and the fight in the parking lot that led to our first time. I continue with everything that happened over the next months, ending with the night of the party when Rory and I finally admitted we were dating. I apologize for pretending I couldn't remember the reason Jean and I fought back in March, and then I gather all my strength to tell her about the breakup.

"Sash... I'm so sorry... I just... why didn't you tell me?" Jean sounds so hurt that I feel terrible for keeping it a secret for so long.

"You hate Rory, J. You've never missed a chance to criticize her or to remind me how much you can't stand her, even after we became friends and you knew I was getting close to her. How could I tell you that we were sleeping together first and dating next? You were never going to approve, and while I don't need your blessing to date whomever I want, it's not nice when your best friend hates the person you like. Remember when you introduced me to Nate? You said that my stamp of approval was important to you, because we're like family, and that works for me too. So think about how nervous you were that night and multiply it by a hundred, because I already knew that you weren't going to approve of me and Rory. And it was all so new and different and delicate... we were figuring out what to be and how to be together, I couldn't add your disapproval to the mix."

Jean sighs and I can tell she's really disappointed in me, but it's not just my fault we ended up in this situation. If she hadn't been so vocal in her disliking of Rory, it would have been easier for me to open up.

"Do you really think that if you had told me you were dating her, I would have given you such a hard time? All I want for you is to be happy, and if she makes you happy then who am I to judge? It doesn't matter what I think about her... all that matters is how you feel. Speaking of, how DO you feel about her?"

I bite my lip and lower my eyes. I am about to say out loud something that up until tonight has been just a fleeting thought passing through my mind from time to time, and it's kind of preposterous that tonight of all nights I admit it to myself and to someone else, since it's when Rory and I broke up.

"I feel like I might fall in love with her... or maybe I already am."

A few minutes of silence follow my confession. I am trying to wrap my mind around everything that has happened, but all I can think about is how much I already miss Rory.

"I'm sorry, S," Jean murmurs then. "I really am."

"Thanks, but it's gonna be ok, right? I mean, I've been through worse, so I'll survive this. This, too, shall pass, as they say."

"I am also sorry I have been so insistent in expressing my thoughts on Rory. I should have stopped the moment you two became friends. It's been really uncool of me," she apologizes, and everything ends up in a hug.

"I still cannot believe you might be in love with the former Trybrid Bitch!"

I shoot her a dirty look, even though I know she's just joking, and I appreciate the 'former' in the sentence.

"I wish you would get to know her better, as she's really not the way we thought she was. She's actually really nice and kind, and so smart. She makes me laugh, we had such a good time together. I can talk to her about anything, you have no idea how easy it is for me to open up to her, which is crazy because you know I don't normally do that. But there's something about her, something that puts me so much at ease. I don't even know how she could make such a bad impression on us at first. I really wish you could get to know her like I did."

"Well, maybe not exactly like you did... you know... in the biblical sense," she jokes and I laugh, even though I actually feel like crying. I don't, though, as apparently I am not able to cry anymore - except for my mom, but that's a whole different matter.

"I miss her already," I confess in a whisper.

"Do you want me to talk to her?" Jean offers, and I honestly cannot even being to imagine how such a situation would go down. "From what you told me, it sounds like I am the problem here, so maybe if I talk to her she will calm down and things would go back to the way they were."

I shook my head, but I'm grateful she even suggested it.

"No, thanks. I'll talk to her, but I think she just needs some time. I can't accept it's over just because she freaked out. We've already been through that - twice, actually - so we might get through this, too."

"I really hope so. I know it sounds fake coming from me, but it's not. I really want you to be happy, Sash... and from what you told me, she really does make you happy. So I hope she comes around."

"Yeah..." I murmur. "Me too."