So it goes [Breakable Heaven #1]

25. This is not gay panic!

- Is Jean home today? -

I've been staring at my phone for the past five minutes, incredulous and surprised because the last thing I expected when the phone beeped was to receive a text from Rory asking me if Jean is or isn't home today. I don't know why she wants to know, and I'm honestly a little scared.

Last night seems like a distant memory already, now that I've taken a shower and washed away her scent from my body. I spent the whole morning wondering if the last week has been a dream, and I've been this close to call Rory just to make sure it really happened, but I didn't. She said "eventually" and this time I am more than determined to respect her need for space.

Maybe I'm just shocked it only took her less than twenty-four hours to make that "eventually" happen.

- She's away for the weekend w/ her bf. Why? -

I tap with my short fingernails on the screen of my phone while I wait for her reply. Instead, the intercom rings. I almost jump out of my skin because... ok, no, it can't be Rory, can it? It would be absurd.

"Yeah?" I ask before I remember that our intercom is broken and I can't actually hear the other person speaking. I wonder when I'll finally stop forgetting it. "Whatever, come in, fourth floor."

I shouldn't be that shocked when I see Rory's face through the peephole, yet I am. Still, I open the door and try to act as nonchalant as possible, even though my mind is a whirlwind of questions and emotions.

"Hey," I greet her, and she gives me a shy smile that immediately becomes bigger when she spots something on the floor next to me. Sirius, to be precise.

"Hi baby!" she squats to pet him and the cat replies by starting to purr as loudly as he can. "How's my boy? Have you missed your Aunty Rory? Yes, you have!"

I witness the cuteness overload without saying a word, comforted by the fact that this Rory in my apartment finally looks like the Rory I've gotten to know these past few months and not like the Trybrid Bitch who has almost cost me my job or the woman who has barely talked to me during this week.

"Would you like a Coke?" I ask her when she finally stops paying attention to my cat and turns to me.

She shoots me a glance I know well, so I immediately add "Zero, obviously", and she accepts. We move to the living room because it seems like a better place to have a conversation than my bedroom. I honestly don't want her to think I've jumped to conclusions about her visit.

"So I guess we need to talk," she says after taking a long sip of her drink.

"Yeah, I guess we do," I agree and I feel my heart speeding up its beat. I don't know how this afternoon is going to end, but I am sure it's a huge turning point and, from now on, things between us will never be the same. Which is kind of stupid since they haven't been the same for at least a week now.

"Look, Sash, what happened between us... I mean I've enjoyed it, but... it's been like a..."

"A momentary lapse of judgment?" I offer and she nods. "Well, it's actually three momentary lapses of judgment, four if we count the Murder Mystery night."

She winces as she probably hoped I had forgotten about that episode. As if!

"I know," she whispers.

"See, Rory, I like you, ok? I like you as a friend and I'm sure you've noticed by now I like you as a woman, too. But here's the thing: I really really do like you as a friend, and I hate that things between us have been this awkward since... well, you know. So if you tell me that you don't want anything from me other than friendship, then we will stop it here. If you swear that you don't want this, whatever this is, then we can forget everything that's happened and go back to being friends. But somehow, I feel there's more to it. I know I was quite harsh the other night in the parking lot, but I meant everything I said. I know there's something here, I know you're attracted to me as much as I am to you, and our last two encounters prove that. So while I understand gay panic, I th-"

"This is not gay panic!" she quickly interrupts me. "Do you think I care you're a woman instead of a man?"

"Then what is it?" I question, confused. If it's not because I'm a woman, then what is the problem?

"Are you still in love with Lilian?" she asks, and I'm thrown off balance because it's the last thing I expected to come out of her mouth.

"I am, yes. I mean, I still love her, I don't know about being in love, though. I think I'll always love her."

She nods. "Exactly. And I..."

"You're still in love with Diego???"

"What? No!" she almost yells. "That son of a bitch is dead to me! But I'm... I don't know, Sash, I don't know how to explain this. It's just that... we're friends. We've become quite good friends, and if we throw sex into the mix... I just don't think it's a good idea. I don't want this to be something. It's not the time for me, it's not what I want."

"I don't want it either. I'm not ready to have a relationship, I'm still way too broken. But this doesn't have to be anything more than just a friendship with benefits."

"Friendship with benefits, right," she snorts. "Like that has ever worked."

"It will," I promise her, even if it's not one I am absolutely sure I can keep. Things go sideways, I know that better than most.

"What if it doesn't?"

She sounds and looks so vulnerable right now, almost scared, and I wonder why she's feeling that way. I know she's been hurt badly in the past, just like I have. We often concluded that our breakups were probably the two worst breakups in all history, so I know where she's coming from. But she doesn't have to be scared of me, and I want her to understand that.

I sit on the low table in front of her and take her hands in mine, looking her in the eyes.

"Rory... I won't hurt you," I say softly.

"I know you won't. Because I won't give you the power to hurt me."

Her voice is firmer now, and I can tell hers is just a façade, a way of convincing herself she can have control over this situation. This thing between us has caught me by surprise, too, and I don't have a control-freakish personality, so I can only imagine how it must feel for her.

"Good. We're good, then. So is this going to be just sex? No strings attached, no expectations, no complications?"

"No strings attached," she confirms.

I lean in and place the softest of kisses on her lips, with no intent rather than just that: kiss her.

"Now what?" she asks.

"Well, you can either go home if you have other plans for the weekend, or you can stay here. We can watch a movie, I can make you dinner, we can play a board game... I don't know, Rory, there are no rules. And there are no expectations. This is a friendship, first and foremost."

She smiles, looking relieved.

"Let's start with a movie then, and see how it goes. Oh, and about that dinner? Just don't cook junk food, please!"