So it goes [Breakable Heaven #1]

42. It's just making things worse

Rory isn't talking to me. I wish I could say I'm surprised, but I'm really not. This is kind of her MO: she freaks out, she runs, she shuts down, and then I have to pull her out of her panic by doing something that makes her realize what she really wants, or that she can't resist the attraction between us even if she wants to. Only this time I don't know what to do. She doesn't give me time to corner her in the parking lot to talk, as she always makes a point to finish the lessons a couple of minutes ahead of time and she runs out of the school as if she were Usain Bolt at the Olympics. She also doesn't smoke anymore, at least not at school, so she doesn't have to meet me in between lessons. The only words that she has spoken to me were about work, and honestly, the topic doesn't give me much to work with, as it's pretty difficult to transform it into sexual innuendos, which have always worked with us.

Jean still thinks she should talk to her, but first of all, I doubt she would be able to, and then I don't think she would appreciate being cornered by my best friend about our relationship.

What I notice, though, is that during the lessons she keeps sneaking glances at me with puppy dog eyes, like this situation is really hurting her. This is what I don't get: we were good together, it was working well, so why give that up just because one person has found out about it? Why does she feel the need to push me away like that, causing so much pain to the both of us?

Rachel believes I should fight for what I want, that I should make some grand gesture to convince Rory that she made a mistake by ending the relationship, to remind her how good we were together.

"Tell her you love her, you idiot!" she screams at me while we are on Skype.

"Bee, I can't!" I whine. "First of all, I don't love her. I mean, I care about her, and I definitely have feelings for her, but I wouldn't go as far as calling it love, and if I really see a future for us, I can't spoil the first time I tell her that I love her using it as a desperate attempt to win her back when I'm not even sure that's how I feel. Secondly, I'm pretty sure I would only end up scaring her even more than she already is."

"But she loves you, too, Bee!" my friend protests, and hearing those words makes my heart jump in my throat. I can't think that Rory loves me, not right now when we're broken up. It hurts more than it comforts. "She's just scared. It's like that book we read by that Italian author - 'Shades of Wrong', remember? Martina and Leila were totally fine, until Martina saw Leila in a very vulnerable situation, so Leila panicked and ran away, but truth was that she loved Martina, she was just scared to tear her walls down. I believe Rory is the same right now, and her trigger has been Jean finding you in a very intimate situation, where Rory felt totally exposed."

"Bee, the situation here is way different: Rory and I had already gone through the emotional part and she was fine with it. Why would she get scared just because someone saw us having sex, when she had no problem meeting you, my oldest friend, or finally accepting to be my girlfriend? It doesn't make sense!" I protest.

Rachel sighs. "Just because it doesn't make sense to you, that doesn't mean it can't make sense to someone else, Bee. All I can say is: talk to her, Bee. Just talk to her, whatever it takes, so worst case scenario at least you'll have your closure."

"Easier said than done, the woman runs faster than a fucking Lamborghini!" I mumble.

"Ok then, how did you get her to talk to you in the past when she didn't want to? How did you get her to admit what she really wanted?"

"I cornered her in the parking lot, but she knows I'd try that, so she doesn't give me the chance to do it. And as for admitting what she really wanted, she just got insanely jealous once or twice, but I won't do that now, Bee. Not this time. It's lame, and it's beneath me - beneath us."