So it goes [Breakable Heaven #1]

34. You've been weirder than usual

"Don't you think this has been going on long enough?"

It's a Sunday afternoon at the beginning of April, and it's been a month since Jean and I have talked to each other. My pride and her stubbornness - after all, I'm a Scorpio and she's a Taurus - have kept us from apologizing first and addressing our fight at all, so weeks have gone by and neither of us has offered the other an olive branch. Up until now, when I'm on my bed reading a book and Jean storms in without even knocking.

"What has?" I feign unawareness, only barely lifting my gaze from the pages in front of me.

"Don't play dumb with me, Sash. This! Us! Our stupid fight. It's been going on long enough, don't you agree?"

I sigh and nod, closing the book and gesturing her to come to sit next to me. I miss Jean, I miss her so much I've been this close to go talk to her at least twenty times in the past month, but I'm scared that discussing our argument would only bring up the topic we argued about again, and in that case, I wouldn't know what to say. She's probably going to ask me why I went off like that, and I can't explain my reasons without mentioning that I'm seeing Rory and that I might - just might, probably not even that - have some feelings for her. That's why I have avoided Jean altogether, even though I hate being at odds with her.

"Look," she starts. "I know that I said something that night, something that pissed you off, but right now I can't even remember what we were fighting about. It's been so long, and all I care about now is to make things right with you, so can you just accept my apology for pissing you off even though I can't actually remember what I'm apologizing for?"

I remain stunned for a moment, my eyes going wide as I hear Jean's word, then a sense of relief washes over me and I start laughing uncontrollably. My best friend looks a little confused, but then she joins me and soon enough we're almost rolling on the bed, giggling like two teenagers.

"Oh god, I haven't laughed like this in ages!" I declare when I'm finally calm enough to speak. I turn around to look at Jean, who's just calmed down too, and I throw my arms around her neck. "I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you, too," she replies, burying her face in my hair. "This has been our first fight, and I very much hope it's going to be the last. What was it even about?"

"I don't know, I can't remember either," I lie, keeping that particular can of worm well sealed. "But I'm sure it was partly my fault as well, so I'm sorry, too. And I'm sorry I haven't reached out before, I just..."

"You're proud," she finishes my sentence, showing one more time how well she knows me. "I get it, I haven't reached out, either. Let's just promise each other that the next time something between us is wrong, we're going to talk about it and not let an entire month go by. A friendship is like any other relationship: communication is the key. So if I do something that pisses you off, just tell me and we're going to make it right, and I'll do the same, deal?"

I shake her hand to make my promise and hug her again. It's been a very long month without my best friend, no matter how good it might have been in parts.

"So, who did you go see Sydney Grant with?" she asks, and I mentally curse her for going straight to that topic.

"No one," I lie again. "I went alone and sold your ticket. I have to give you your money back, by the way."

Now, here's the thing: as much as I've missed Jean and I'm glad we're back to talking to each other, I can't forget what happened that night. The truth is that my friends really don't like Rory, despite not knowing her at all, and I can't make them change their minds. I know they wouldn't understand what I'm doing with her, they would probably accuse her of trying to swindle me, getting into my pants just to have me on her side because she's gunning for Violeta's job and probably world domination, too. So while I'm extremely happy that Jean and I have cleared the air between us, and while I have indeed promised to talk to her when something bothers me, I can't actually tell her the truth. Basically, I'm back to square one with her, but I've accepted that. If in order to keep what I have with Rory I have to keep it a secret, then so be it.

"Tell me about your weekend in Paris," I smoothly change the subject. "I wanna know everything."

Jean's entire face lights up at me mentioning Paris, and she starts recounting the whole full weekend. She's so into it that she doesn't even notice the way I flinch when she tells me she and Nataniel have put their own lock on the Pont Des Art: Lilian and I did the same when we went to Paris, back when I first moved to Europe. That trip is probably one of the best memories that I have of us together, which means it is now one of the most painful. It's ok, though, I'm not going to stop Jean just because my heart is aching a little at the memory. She deserves all the happiness in the world, and she doesn't need my memories to ruin her story of - and I quote - "the most perfect weekend ever" with her boyfriend.

"What's new with you?" she inquires when she's over gushing.

"Well... I guess I have some pretty big news: I've kinda decided to search for my birthfather," I confess. Easter is approaching, and so is the moment Rachel will bring me those yearbooks, which means I might be able to have the name I am looking for in less than a month. Needless to say, that is a topic that has been on my mind quite a lot recently.

"WHAT?" Jean screams so loud that I feel I might have lost part of my hearing. "We're never fighting again, I can't believe I've missed this! Sash! This is such a big deal! Tell me, what... I mean, why now? And how are you going to find him?"

I explain all the process that led to me making that decision, and my plan to find his name. We've discussed this topic before, and she knows how big of a step this is for me, even though there's nothing tangible yet.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you were making this decision, but I promise I'll help you every step of the way."

I smile gratefully. I know I'm going to need a lot of support to take that step, and I have no doubt my friends will metaphorically hold my hand while I try to discover this particular piece of my life.

"Is that why you've been so weird lately?" she asks then, and my body tenses because no, that's really not the reason why I have been so weird.

"I'm always weird, I thought you'd know that by now," I joke, hoping it will distract her. It doesn't, of course.

"You are, but you've been weirder than usual. I don't know, you're being a little secretive, a little off. Are you sure there isn't anything you want to talk about? Are you ok?"

"Of course I am. I'm fine, I've just... I don't know, I honestly didn't even notice I was acting in a strange way." Another lie. Jean and I have resumed talking to each other for the grand total of thirty minutes, and I've already lied to her more times than I can count. I had momentarily forgotten how difficult it can be to keep a relationship a secret from your best friend and roommate. "Maybe this is it, maybe I've been thinking about finding my birth father and I've sort of isolated myself without even realizing it. I've been talking to Rachel a bit, though, if that makes you feel less concerned."

"Mmm ok," she concedes. "As long as you talk to someone. I know how you can get, bottling everything up. Just know that I'm always here for you, Sash, and I'm really sorry we took that stupid fight this far."

"Yeah, me too."

Maybe things aren't as fixed as Jean might think. Maybe I'm making a mistake, not opening up to her about Rory. A part of me knows that Jean loves me unconditionally and that, were I to tell her about what's been going on between me and Rory, she would just support me no matter what. She would push aside her personal feelings and opinions for my sake, so I promise to myself - and unspokenly, to her - that one day I will tell her everything. Now, however, isn't the right time, as there's still so much I have to figure out about my relationship with Rory, so much that is left up in the air, that I wouldn't even know what to say. The moment I tell Jean, I want to make sure I know what the hell I'm doing with this woman who's slowly finding her way into my system.

For now, I'm just glad I have my best friend back.