So it goes [Breakable Heaven #1]

20. Such a drama queen

During the two weeks immediately after the Christmas holidays, I sometimes have the feeling I have been transported into the plot of an erotic comedy, kind of like a Fifty Shades of Grey without the abusive son of a bitch and the blushing virgin. What there is, instead, is a whole lot of flirting and teasing, which is something that I have never thought I would experience, at least not at this level.

Rory and I are driving each other crazy. It's some sort of power-play between us, where each of us wants to push the other to the limit without actually being the one who crosses said limit. In a nutshell: it's a mess, and I spend half of my life feeling sexually frustrated and the other half trying to do something to relieve the tension.

I'm pretty sure the only way I have to get out of this situation without going completely insane or doing something I might regret - which would be jumping Rory in the middle of the school - is finding another girl who can take care of my frustration, possibly someone I don't work with and someone who doesn't identify as straight.

Which is why I decide to spend my Saturday night at the Noveccento, a bar in the gay district of Seville. I don't go there often, probably because I don't have that many gay friends here in Spain, but it's a nice spot and the crowd might be interesting. Maybe I'll be able to find a girl who can make me forget about my problematic attraction to Rory. Well, it wouldn't be that problematic per se - I am not the first gay woman to be attracted to a straight one, and I definitely won't be the last - but the thing is, I have trouble focusing at work because of it. I spend most of my time at school sneaking glances at her and imagining all the scenarios in which I could end up in bed with her. I am a professional, and I don't like this kind of behavior, so it needs to stop. I have to get her out of my system and I can only do that by either fucking her or fucking someone else. I've chosen the second option, which is the safest one.

So I've put on the shortest dress I have in my closet and I've worn the highest heels possible, and I have dragged Jean with me to the gay bar. She gladly decided to accompany me, because she thinks it's about time I get laid. I couldn't agree with her more. We also asked our friend Alejandro to come with us, so he can keep Jean company while I scout for girls, and he will help her fend off all the girls that will inevitably hit on her, attracted by her short spiky hair and her overall attitude that make her often be mistaken for a lesbian.

The problem is that, after being there for two hours and having talked to five different girls, I am bored to death. I know I have high standards, but there is absolutely nothing interesting about these women. I mean, a couple of them were really really good-looking, but they couldn't carry a conversation to save their lives. My Spanish isn't that great, yet I was perfectly able to follow everything they were saying, as it wasn't that complicated to begin with. After the fifth one, I join Jean and Alejandro at the table they're sitting at, and I plump down on the love seat with a very dramatic sigh.

"I'll be celibate forever," I declare.

"You're such a drama queen," Jean shakes her head. "What was wrong with that one?"

I shrug. "The last book she read was 20 years ago."

"You do know you have to fuck her, not marry her, right?" Alejandro reminds me, and I sigh again. I know I'm just looking for a one-night stand, but I can't help it: I am attracted to intelligence, I just cannot get turned on by someone who has read the grand total of three books in her life, and just because she had been forced to by her teacher.

"I'm just looking for someone who's smart, who can converse for more than two minutes, someone with at least a little bit of culture, someone witty and opinionated, at not bad to look at. Is that too much to ask?"

I can't even hear my friend's answer, because I realize that I have just described one specific person who's in my life right now, the one person I shouldn't be thinking about, and the whole reason why I have subjected myself to this torture. This will never work if I expect to find the lesbian and available version of Rory.

"Ugh, fuck that!" I groan, and my friends look at me quizzically. "Sorry, I was just... I'm just gonna go talk to that girl at the counter, she seems nice."

I stand up and head to the counter, where there actually is a pretty girl sitting. I hadn't noticed her before, but now that I look at her closely, she seems like she might be exactly what I am looking for.

"Hi, I'm Sasha," I say, taking a seat on the stool next to hers. "Can I buy you a drink?"

"I'm Leticia, and yes, please. I'll have a beer."

Leticia is not exactly my type - she looks quite petite, and my passion for long-legged girls is quite renowned - but she's cute and, above all, she is interesting. She's a psychologist, she loves traveling, sports, theater, reading, and she took her master degree in the United States, which means she speaks English very well. The moment we switch to my mother tongue, the conversation becomes easier and more comfortable, at least on my side.

After a while it's pretty clear that Leticia is interested in me, so I signal to Jean and Alejandro that they can go home if they want to. Worst case scenario, I'll take a taxi.

I suggest we move from the counter to the table that my friends have just vacated, so we can be more comfortable. It takes us exactly ten seconds from when we get comfortable on the love seat to start kissing.

Kissing someone new after eight years of always having the same lips on mine is pretty strange, and for a moment there I feel my insides twisting, thinking about Lilian. It only lasts a few instants, though, as I pretty quickly remember the way I was dumped. Still, Leticia's mouth moves on mine in a totally different way than the one I was used to, and even though it's pretty pleasant, it's not a hundred percent comfortable for me. Nevertheless, I don't stop her.

"Let's get out of here," I murmur between her lips when things start to get really heated between us. "My apartment isn't far."

It's a long shot, and I know it, as not everyone puts out on a first date like I do, yet Leticia nods and grabs my hand to lead me out of the bar and to her car.

The whole ride back to my place I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. There are too many thoughts in my head, starting from Lilian, whom I'm still not totally over, and ending with Rory. I will sleep with this girl but my mind and my heart will be somewhere else entirely, and despite knowing that a lot of people hook up with someone met in a bar and it doesn't have to mean anything more than just one night of fun, it still doesn't feel completely right to me. Not this time. I've had one-night stands before, but I had never thought about someone else while doing it. It feels like a lack of respect toward this woman who, from what I could gather, very likely deserves better than this. Yet I don't tell her to stop the car, I stay silent and I listen to her talking, and when we reach my apartment I take her to my bedroom and kiss her like I mean it, like there's nowhere else I'd rather be, like there's no one else I'd rather be with.

Luckily, over the course of these past months, I've become very good at shutting my heart down, so I manage to keep the memory of Lilian far away from my bedroom. However, I have never been good at doing the same with my brain, and the thought of Rory keeps invading my mind, filling it completely, until I shut my eyes and I am almost convinced I am in bed with her, rather than Leticia. When I come, I have to bite my lower lip so hard to keep myself from screaming Rory's name instead.

After we are done, I am this close to asking Leticia to please leave, as horrible as it might be of me to do so right after we had sex. I just can't stand the idea of this stranger spending the night in my bed while I'll probably dream of Rory. Fortunately, I don't have to say anything, as she gets up and starts putting her clothes back on.

"I have to go," she apologizes. "I have to wake up quite early tomorrow and I live on the other side of town. But it was fun and maybe we can do this again, if you'd like. I'll leave you my phone number, alright?"

I nod, knowing fully well I won't ever use that number. Once she's fully clothed she kisses me again and leaves.

It's one in the morning and I should sleep, but I just can't. I need to take a shower to wash away any trace of Leticia on my body. So I go to the bathroom and start the water, taking a long look at myself in the mirror. On my neck, I can see a dark purple mark and I hiss a curse because a visible sign of my night is the last thing I want. Oh well, it's not like I can do anything about it.

When I'm finally done, I collapse again into bed, closing my eyes and trying to do the same with my brain, but sleep doesn't come. All I can see in front of me is a replay of what I've done tonight, only this time the person in bed next to me is Rory.