𝒴💍𝓊 𝓈𝒶𝓋𝑒𝒹 𝓂𝓎 𝓁𝒾𝒻𝑒 | Sakuatsu

∆•Chapter~Six•∆

Sakusa Kiyoomi's POV

After getting in the argument with Miya I felt so frustrated. I didn't want to say the things I said. Even after I insulted him and his friends, he still went out of his way to clean my phone and hand it to me. I guess it caught me off guard but I sure as hell appreciated it. I don't know what my problem is.. why couldn't I say thank you instead of insulting him more ?

 He was right.

 He had been nothing but kind, yet I couldn't bring myself to accept it. I'm used to the usual " I have mysophobia" then never talking to the person again. I had to say I was surprised when he was treating me like any other person.

 I cant help but hate him. I really do hate him. I cant fucking stand how happy he is, how perfect he is. He has EVERYTHING. From great relationships and a great personality, to great looks even.  I just couldn't take it. I don't like perfect people. Something about him makes me want to rip his stupid grin off of his face. 

This was so irritating! I couldn't help but be frustrated for who knows how long. After my next class Miya sat far away from me, even chose the dreaded seat near the teacher rather than beside me. Why did I have to be so fucking cold? Why couldn't I just accept the fucking gesture? He stopped his friend from touching me and made sure to check if I was okay. He went out of his way to make me feel comfortable and yet I lashed out at him for it. 

These thought kept getting thrown at me until I arrived home. After laying down awhile I looked to see I had gotten a text message from the boy i've been texting.

 After a little conversation, I still couldn't manage to stop being so frustrated with myself. I hadn't really went to the store like I said...

 Why did I have to be fucking like this? Just because I have a stupid fucking phobia didn't mean I had to treat people like shit. Fuck you Hoka Sakusa you've ruined my fucking life. You aren't even here yet you've fucked me up so bad.

 I went to take a shower to cool down but the burning sensation of my cuts made me more pissed off. Might as well mess my skin up even more huh? Will it make me fucking feel something other then self-hatred? Probably not, but I had to get my anger out somehow. I held out my wrist cutting just above a slit I made yesterday, going up my arm. 1, 2, 3, 4.. 5...    6. Maybe I was taking it too far? I didn't care, I did the exact same on my other arm. I let the blood drip onto bathroom floor before I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror with a forced smile. I hadn't felt much at that point. Not anger, not satisfied, just sad. Tears wouldn't stop falling and I just stood quietly waiting for the bleeding to stop. 

Sometimes I really just wanted to end it. I had no parents to disappoint, I wouldn't miss anything except Motoya. Sure he might be sad but he had other friends unlike me, surely he'd get over it. Should I? I mean I don't really see what's stopping me. I wouldn't have to force myself out of bed in the morning, I wouldn't feel so upset. Should I? 

I thought about ways I could. I mean I had no pills to go the easy route. I couldn't get prescribed pills and I didn't want to take the chances of making it out alive with over the counter medication. A knife I just couldn't bring myself to do. A neuss ? Ehh felt like shit last time. Drown? Wait that could work. I ran to the bathtub and began filling it up as I took off clothes. My body was still damp from my previous shower but oh well it won't hurt to die extra clean right? I dipped my foot in and felt the temperature of the water before  sitting down.