𝒴💍𝓊 𝓈𝒶𝓋𝑒𝒹 𝓂𝓎 𝓁𝒾𝒻𝑒 | Sakuatsu

∆•Chapter~Seven•∆

Atsumu Miya's POV

Lately my days just haven't been great. 

This morning I had a fight with 'Samu and every time we go to school in a fight, I'm really anxious during the day. I really appreciate my brother in reality. He really helps with my anxiety, but when we're away from each other.. I know he won't know if I need to leave the room. Being anxious caused me to get some guy to give me head in a bathroom stall, and to be honest, it wasn't all that great. At first I felt some kind of thrill doing sexual things but it's getting pretty boring. There isn't anything special about it really. They just do whatever I say and it's not that fun. At this point it's getting difficult to even get hard but I guess it's whatever. 

After showing up to class I just felt like being rude so I bothered every teacher and got myself detention for tomorrow too. I tried not to bother any students but couldn't help but pester a few of them. I flirted a lot as well, I at least made 11 peoples face heat up. That was always fun. I guess I'm not so cut out for a relationship. I mean sure people want to get with me but I lose interest after a day or two. There's nobody that appeals to me really. Hell I don't even have an attraction towards anybody, there's nobody that really draw me in. Sure there's some good looking people at the school but none that really scream attractive. Not to me at least. 

There is one person who really gets my attention. If it wasn't for that god awful personality I would try to really get to know them. Sakusa Kiyoomi, god he's an ass. The kid really pisses me off but I got to admit something about him really appeals to me. Don't get me wrong I do hate him. If I had to chose to save someone from the school he would definitely not be on the list. But I cant help but be curious about him. I mean there's gotta be some reason he acts like that right? I guess some people are just naturally rude. Maybe he'll be a killer when he's older? Okay I'm thinking about this too long.

Anyway my school day was just full of me making stupid decisions. Honestly all the ways I cope are pretty shitty but I'm not expecting much of a future anyway. I really do want love, truly. But I just don't think I can think beyond sex, which I'm losing interest too anyway. I've never felt the "butterflies" my brother described. Never felt that warm feeling in my chest. Never felt a loss of breath just looking at someone. Sometimes I really wonder how that feels. All the relationships I've had haven't lasted longer than a week and I was never upset about it. I felt bad leading people on but I truly tried. I'm just not cut out for it. 

People at school just assume my type is absolutely perfect. I understand why they think that because I just throw perfectly good people away but, they don't know that I just don't work in relationships. Maybe when I'm older and settle down it'll be different but I'm not too sure. I want to have fun until I cant. After that, I'm not so sure where life will take me. Maybe I'l be a better singer? Maybe my anxiety won't be as bad? Honestly the only thing that makes me feel truly better with my anxiety, is 'Samu, and I can't depend on him forever.

So now I'm here, on my window seat just thinking. That was until I heard a knock on my door.

"Come in" I told to what I could assume was my brother. The door slowly opened and 'Samu walked in the room, taking a seat beside me. I sat cross legged across from him.

"Hey 'Tsumu can we talk?" He asked adjusting his position.

I hummed in response.

"I don't want to fight can we work this out?" He asked, it seemed like he didn't really know what to say. Honestly it was my fault.

"Yeah sorry.. I was being selfish, you can go to Suna's for the weekend. I just felt scared of being alone... I cant help it." I replied, kind of sad if I'm honest. I don't like when we're separated. I hate it actually. I know I'm a bit clingy but I just.. it's so hard. He's the only one who can help me and last time he left I had a really bad panic attack with nobody to help. He told me I could call him but then Suna would know something's wrong and.. well... If "something" is wrong then I'm not perfect. And I am perfect. I refuse to be anything else.