𝒴💍𝓊 𝓈𝒶𝓋𝑒𝒹 𝓂𝓎 𝓁𝒾𝒻𝑒 | Sakuatsu

∆•Chapter~Ten•∆

Sakusa Kiyoomi's POV

I really like talking to Panda. Sometimes I really did wish I knew who he was. I mean I've created a trust with him and I know he would never say anything but.. I still wouldn't be able to handle a person knowing me so well. Just eye contact would shatter me. I did cut while I was waiting for Panda to answer during his panic attack, and after he went to sleep. But.. I didn't on Sunday, after I was talking to him I caught myself smiling.

 It's Friday morning as of now, the week went by quicker this time. I guess it's because I've been texting Panda a lot of the time. We've become really close. I'm honestly surprised I can't figure it out by now, personally I get Oikawa or Bokuto vibes for being dramatic but you never know. Sometimes I get Miya vibes but there's no way Panda could be that great of an actor to pull off Miya Atsumu. Sometimes I think It could be Tendou as well, but I see him drooling over Ushijima so I can't see it. Tendou is also very popular and hangs around the 5 a lot but isn't considered as "one of them" since he's always around his own little group. He gets along great with the 5 though.

 I've cut everyday this week which is normal for me so there's nothing wrong I'd say. It's getting better really. I think Panda is having some sort of impact on me. Sometimes I think of just hugging him and holding him through his panic attacks but that's not something I can easily do. And that's not how I think. Maybe I just feel bad and want to comfort him? 

I've actually been rather confused about my sexuality. I mean sure I don't think I'll ever be in a relationship, but lately I've been attracted to two people. I mean I wouldn't exactly call it asexual but I don't know. I don't know what I see in Miya, his personality is awful but damn he's hot. I have to admit, I catch myself staring. Okay well more like glaring but still. It's not just because I hate the guy. And second something about Panda just makes me want to talk to him forever, I don't know what kind of attraction it is but something really gets to me. I can't believe I'm confused over my sexuality because a damn cocky fuck boy, and a phone number but whatever.

I went to Motoya's again this week, sometimes I feel guilty but.. when I way the bad in my life compared to the good, it's kind of embarrassing to be honest.

Sometimes I think about maybe in 2 years I can get professional help? I guess I shouldn't think like that though.. less then two weeks from now I'll be dead. I haven't changed my mind on that. Actually it's sooner than I thought. Eleven days to be presice. Well after today that is. A Tuesday, the same day I tried to drown myself. 

I grabbed my mask and threw on a blue long sleeve and some light grey sweats. I slipped on my mask and gloves before making my way to school. The weather today had been colder and I slightly regret not bringing a jacket, but I'm used to being hot with clothes like these. It was slightly refreshing after awhile. 

As always I arrived early and cleaned my desk before taking a seat. Nobody will ever get to have this desk, well that is until two Tuesdays from now. I saw Miya walk in early with Miya #2, like really early. I don't think they noticed me but Miya sat on the far corner from me while other Miya stood in front of him. Miya #2 crouched down to eye level to look at him and held his hand. I've never seen Miya look that.. scared? Was it scared? I couldn't really tell but it was definitely not happy, grinning  Miya. Miya looked around and we made eye contact before I saw his eyes dart back to his brother. He let go of his hand and there it was, that bright obnoxious grin. 

"See ya later 'Samu~!" He sang out. His brother stood up before looking him straight in the eyes. For a moment they just looked at each other as If they were having conversation through eye contact. I could have sworn for a moment I saw Miya's grin slip. Other Miya cleared his throat before nodding.