Manic

Chapter 31.

I keep asking myself, of all the people to write about for my hero's essay... Why you?

Why you?

When Ms. Hale reads my essay, she will surely be thinking, this man isn't a hero at all. But everytime I ask myself that question, why you? I come to the same conclusion. Because you shaped me into who I am today.

And believe me, I'm far from perfect. But I wouldn't be who I am without you. Without your toxic words, without your damaging hands. I wouldn't be the Elijah with DID without you. I wouldn't have my voices. And I wouldn't have Tillison.

Tillison came the day I got home from New York. I suppose he was there to further protect me from you, from myself, and from ever feeling anything close to what I felt when I was with Rivers. Because being in love only creates more opportunities to be hurt. And when Tillison came, he was there to protect me from that. From that kind of pain.

The kind that was so intense, it threatened to kill me entirely.

The voices don't like Tillison. They feel like he is a threat. But I know he is only here to protect me. Tillison is much older than the other voices. It's like he is a future version of myself, looking out for me and keeping me away from harm.

Mom walks into my room, "I scheduled an appointment with Adriana. If you don't want to talk to me about what happened in New York, promise me you will talk to her." She pleads.

I look up from my phone where I had been watching an episode of my favorite TV show, Psych. "Yeah, sure. I promise." I lie. If only to get mom to stop bothering me.

When I was younger, I would talk to Adriana about everything. But as I've grown older, I stopped sharing as much. Why does this complete stranger get to know all my dark and dirty secrets? Adriana doesn't care about me. All she cares about is the big fat paycheck she gets from mom.

Tillison comes to my thoughts, "On that note, no one cares about you." He says.

I frown. I know he is looking out for me, that's why he tells me the harsh truths.

"That's not true, so many people care about you Elijah." Saraphina says in a hushed tone.

"I care about you." Danny says.

"Yeah I guess I do too." Reid chimes in. I shake my head and get out of bed. I'm gonna be late for school. I grab my backpack from my desk and hurry out the door.

"Bye sweetheart." My mom calls from her bedroom.

I don't respond, and instead, start the walk from my apartment complex to the school. Tillison's words echo in my mind. No one cares about me. I think to my friends, they don't care about me. How could they? I have ignored them for days, not answering their calls or texts. I'm sure they've all but written me off on their black list of people not to talk to anymore.

Rivers doesn't care about me. Arden told me so.

I'm not special.

I'm a nobody.

I'm a freak.

My own father doesn't love me.

How messed up could a person be?

I arrived at school for the first time in two weeks. There are people hugging their friends and standing in groups. It's the social pecking order of highschool. Everyone has a place. And for Elijah Jude, that place, was nowhere.

I wander the halls until the bell rings and then I find myself in my 1A period, English. I sit in the front, Delilah comes in and sits beside me. My heart in my chest is pounding as I stare at the doorway waiting for Rivers to come in.

The final bell rings and just as Ms. Hale starts to give instructions, Rivers walks in. He is wearing the school uniform, a red polo shirt with tan khaki shorts, high white socks and black converse. His once long wavy hair has been cut to the school's dress code. No hair touching the collar, and no hair touching his ears.

He doesn't even glance at me as he walks to a seat in the back of the classroom, just as he had on his first day. I feel Delilah look at me, but I can't acknowledge her. I don't know what I expected. Even if Rivers had looked at me, what would I have done? Smiled at him? Nodded my head? Pretended not to see him?

I sigh and bury my head in my hands.

Class goes by as slow as ever, and I find it hard to concentrate on a single word that is leaving Ms. Hale's mouth. It's really hard to focus when you have four different personalities inside of you that are all talking over each other.

"You need to talk to Rivers," Saraphina instructs.

"Don't talk to him, he doesn't want to hear from you." Tillison tells me.

"You deserve way better." Danny says.

"Yeah, you deserve, like, a girl." Reid so kindly tells me.

They go on like this for the remainder of the class, and I feel myself going crazy. I want to scream at them to shut up, but I can't. Not again. I can't look crazy. Not right now.

When lunch rolls around I go to a bathroom and lock myself in a stall. Since I got home from New York, I haven't had a moment to myself. Between being pestered with questions from mom, my voices, and my own thoughts about seeing you, leaving Rivers...

I sit on the germ infested toilet and take a shaky breath.

"You are a burden to everyone." Tillison tells me.

He's right. I am. I'm a burden to mom, I'm a burden to you, I'm a burden to Rivers, to Delilah, to Honeymaren, to Chenoa, to Bodhi...

"Wouldn't it be easier to end everything? To take away your pain, to take away your worries? To make things easier on your friends and family?" Tillison plants the thought in my mind.

The frightening thing was, this has been my greatest fear since... well, always.

I had always had this thought, deep in the crevices of my mind. Wouldn't things be better for mom if I just wasn't around? She could start over with her life, no longer having to worry about her mentally ill son.

Wouldn't things be better for you? If there's a heart in you after all, the guilt of leaving me would be gone if I simply ceased to exist.

That was how I looked at it, anyway. Ceasing to exist. There was no life after death. There was no heaven. There is no god. Surely if there was a god, no one would have to suffer in the ways that the world allows. If there was a god, wouldn't my luck be a little better? Wouldn't my life be a lot different?

If I died, all my problems would be gone.

If I died, it would lift a burden off my loved ones.

If I died, everything would be better.

And that was when I decided to end my life.