Manic

Chapter 30.

Winter break comes and goes.

School starts back up again tomorrow.

I, for some reason, can't bring myself to talk to anyone about what happened in New York. Not even mom. Delilah, Honeymaren, Chenoa, and Bodhi came over yesterday. They sat in my room and comforted me as I cried. Mom doesn't know what's wrong. No one does.

Hell, I don't even know what's wrong.

Is it because of Rivers? I haven't talked to him since I left. I have seven missed calls from him and three voicemails on my phone. Countless unread messages from him, and I can't bring myself to read them. I don't know why. I just can't.

Perhaps it was my voices taunting that finally caught up to me. I'm nothing special. I'm no one to Rivers. I need to run away before he can. Hurt myself so that he can't hurt me.

Is it because of you? Maybe it was the deep rooted childhood trauma that has resurfaced after the encounter in New York. I will never see you again. You're on the other side of the country as me, and after sitting face to face with me for almost an hour, you didn't recognize your own son. But I recognized you. I will never forget your face.

Already the memories from that car ride are becoming hazy. Like a dream that couldn't possibly have happened in real life.

The girls and Bodhi tried to get me to talk. To give them the slightest hint of what was going on. But all I could do was sob. And sob. And sob. They eventually left, telling me that everything would be alright. But as soon as the door closed behind them, Reid was there to remind me that, in fact, everything would not be alright.

I cried all through the night until there were no tears left in my eyes to cry. And then after that, I sat in bed wide awake, recalling every moment from the trip.

Mom came into my bedroom this morning with pancakes. My favorite.

"Hey sweetheart, you ready to talk?" She asks as she sets the plate of pancakes on the dresser beside me.

I shake my head.

"That's okay, take your time." She coos. "Is it alright if I talk to you though?"

I nod my head.

"I love you. You are so brave and strong. Whatever is bothering you right now, you can get past it." She reaches out and ruffles my hair, "I love you." She says.

"I love you too, momma." I mumble.

She stands beside me, her hands in my hair, for a few minutes before leaving me alone.

I wanted so desperately to tell mom everything. About Rivers. About his family. About my voices. About you. But it was like there was a lock over my mouth, the key thrown far away where I will never find it, keeping me from uttering a word about any of that.

My phone vibrates beside me. I pick it up and the name on the screen is none other than Rivers Thomas. As if my thumb had a mind of its own, it slides the screen, and answers the call.

"Elijah?" Rivers says in an urgent tone. "God, I've been worried sick about you. Are you alright? Where did you go? What happened?"

I stare blankly at the wall in front of me. Imagining my voices to be building a wall inside of me. A tall wall, one that no one will ever be able to get past. One that will protect me from heartache like this. Heartache I caused. Because when it really comes down to it, I was the root of my own problems.

"Hey," I finally mutter.

"Jesus Christ, Elijah. What happened?" He asks me.

"I came home." I say.

"Elijah, I get home tonight, can I come over? Can we talk?" He asks.

"I don't think that would be a good idea." I reply.

Rivers sighs, "Look Elijah, I'm sorry about what Arden said to you, but it's not true-"

"It's not about that, Rivers." I say. I realize it's really all about me. Me not wanting to get hurt. Not wanting to get any closer. Not wanting to get to know Rivers any more than I already had. Not wanting to get attached.

Because the reality of it was, being in love just opens thousands of more doors and possibilities for me to get hurt.

The reality of it was, I was in love with Rivers Thomas.

And the thought of losing him was not something I could handle. I know it doesn't make sense, if I don't want to lose him, why ignore him?

Even to me it doesn't make sense. But I knew that I couldn't allow myself to fall any further for him. I couldn't allow myself to be hurt.

I build up this wall inside of me to block all feelings and emotions from my heart. I can't possibly let anyone in now.

"Then what is it, Elijah?" Rivers says in a sad tone.

I don't know what to say. So I say the first thing that comes to my mind. "I think we need to break up." I tell him.

Rivers is silent on the other end of the phone.

"I'm sorry," I tell him.

The line dies as Rivers hangs up the phone. I lay back down with my head against the pillow. No tears come to my eyes. I had finished building up the wall. I was nothing but a figure of flesh and blood, numb to everything around me.