Manic

Chapter 11.

"Okay, okay." I say. "I've never told anyone this," Bodhi looks up from the book that he was previously consuming. "But yeah.I guess... I'm gay."

Saying that out loud had the same effect that I would assume cocaine has on users. I wanted to shout "WHOO!" The weight I hadn't even noticed in my chest had now been lifted and I imagined myself as a butterfly, free from the restraints of a cocoon and ready to fly and show my true colors. Finally admitting something that I've known to be true for so long but hiding from the truth feels so... good.

Honeymaren squeals and claps her hands in the way an infant would if they were handed candy. Delilah placed her hand on my shoulder, which I know was a small gesture, but it meant a lot. It was as if she were saying, I'm here for you, I support you. It felt reassuring in the same way Saraphina's words did.

I'm not sure if it was the adrenaline rush of telling these four people my second biggest secret, or the fact that they were so supportive of it that was making me smile so big. Either way, I was loving it.

"So he finally admits it," Reid says. Except my mouth opened and spoke his words.

"What?" Delilah asks.

"Er, I'm just glad I finally admitted it to someone." I lie.

The rest of lunch they're asking me questions and I would give halfass answers because it was hard to focus on them. Now, all I could think about was something Adriana had told me after the freshman year incident.

Adriana was well rehearsed in the matter of dissociative identity disorder. She was well rehearsed in the fact that my father abused me and my mother for the first nine years of my life. She would tell me, "You were in a totally impossible situation. You dissociate to stay alive."

But that day- after the incident- she was silent. She looked at me and she looked at her notes. This went on for a good three minutes before she said a word to me. When she finally spoke, this is what she told me. "Elijah, here's what I think. I think your Voices get stronger the more that you acknowledge them. You have to ignore them, so that what happened today will not be able to happen again."

I got really good at ignoring them. For a while at least. But when this past summer came, I guess I got lonely. I had no friends. Mom was working all the time, and when she was home she would sleep or sit on the couch and do nothing. I started talking to the Voices again.

I got shaken from my thoughts when the lunch bell rang. I went to the study hall, which is in the library, and sat at a table near a window. I pulled out my essay rough draft and read it over a few times before looking out the window and seeing none other than... Rivers.

He was sitting on a bench reading a book and he looked up and we made eye contact. He smiled at me and waved. I waved back. He motioned for me to come outside. I looked around and when I was sure no one was paying attention, I gathered my things and left the library.

I met Rivers outside by the bench. He motioned for me to sit down.

"Winter break is in two weeks," He says.

"Yes?"

"My mom passed away two years ago during winter break." He says. "My family and I go to her headstone every year on her birthday and the day she passed. This is the first year we aren't going to visit her. That's why I acted all weird when you asked what I was doing for winter break."

I nod my head. I knew the best thing to say right now would be nothing. So I sit in silence with him until he starts talking again. "You want to get food on Thursday?"

"Uh... sure. Yeah that sounds fun."

"Cool," Rivers stands up, "It's a date then."