Manic

Chapter 32.

I hadn't realized that I had been crying. Tears were streaming down my face in a steady stream, falling to the floor with a satisfying, plop!

I gathered my things and exited the stall. My hands were shaking, my voices were telling me that I was mad.

"This is insanity!" Danny screamed.

"You have so much to live for." Saraphina told me, "Don't let the bad thoughts make you spiral."

"I'm too young!" Reid cried.

I ignored them. They didn't know what they were talking about. Tillison had what was best for me in his thoughts. What was best for those around me. I had to do this. I had to end my pain. Their pain.

I take a deep breath, and exit the bathroom. Light from the afternoon sun shone in my eyes, causing me to be momentarily blinded. When my eyes finally focused on my surroundings, I saw Rivers. Of course he would be entering the exact bathroom that I happened to be exiting.

I look at the ground and attempt to walk past him, but he grabs my arm.

"Elijah," He says, "Can we talk?"

I look up and find it hard to meet his gaze, "I don't think that would be a good idea." I tell him.

Rivers stares at me for a few more moments, before letting his hand drop to his side in defeat. He turns and walks into the bathroom, and I turn in the other direction. My heart was beating so fast, I was sure the entire courtyard could hear it pounding in my chest.

I rushed home, knowing that mom was at work and I would have the house to myself. My thoughts wander, how was I going to go about this? Was I really going to kill myself? The OCD part of me knows it can't be anything messy. Danny hates messes.

I unlock the door to the apartment and step inside. I think to myself, will this be the last time I ever walk in here? What will mom think when she comes home and finds me?

"You have to do this. Think of your mom, how easy her life will be without you." Tillison tells me. He's right. I have to do this.

Mom used to own a gun. She bought it after you were arrested, in case you ever came back and tried to hurt us. It was a means of protection. She has to still have it around here somewhere....

I go into her bedroom where clothes are scattered around the floor. In the closet is a safe, I try my hand with the lock but it won't budge. New strategy.

I could take pills.

I walk into the kitchen and search the cabinet. Mydol, Tylenol, Ibuprofen... Nothing that could guarantee I don't survive.

New strategy. I throw myself on the couch, and bury my head in my hands. What am I doing?

"Jump." Tillison says, "Jump from your window."

I look up, staring at the door to my room. I could jump from my window. I stand from the couch and walk to my room where I hesitate with the handle. Am I really doing this?

The pain in my chest is so intense, I need to end it.

"This is the only way." Tillison tells me.

"This is the only way." I repeat, outloud.

I open the door handle and head straight to my window. I wiggle the lock until it opens and I pull the window open. I stare down at the ground beneath me. Four stories up, that can be lethal, right? It has to be. I lift one leg over the ledge, and pull the second one up so that I am sitting at the window sill.

I take a deep breath. Everything seems to have slowed down, like I am standing in my bedroom watching myself sit at the ledge.

I close my eyes.

"Everything will be better this way." Tillison says.

"Everything will be better this way." I repeat.

And I jump.