ARE U FUCKING KIDDING ME? JOON HYUNG DOESNT HAVE A GF? HE IS A VIRGIN? cmon im 3 years younger and i have done and seen all sorts of thing. i- i yelled. namjoon and tae hyung went out to take a walk. all of us decided to talk this out. kook, relax. ik u hate this, but see, he is who he is. yes, me and you, well we are, admired. but if he wants to take his time, let him. jimin replied. NO HE IS GONNA EMBARASS US! i yelled. all the eyes turned on me. yoongi hyung stood up, his well built body leaning over mine. jungkook, he said in a husky, dangerous whisper. do not let your temper come in the way. he is what he is. okay? and chill down dongsaeng. saying this he moved back. anger built inside of me too, but seokjin hyung signalled me to calm down. and i did. okay yall. here's what. tae just messaged me saying he and namjoon hyung went out to find him a.. well, uh.. hyung, can u read this for me. hosoek hyung passed the phone to jin hyung. oh sure. this says.. oh. sugar.. sugar baby? we gasped. i smiled. i was glad. i got up rubbing my palms. oh so well, its decided! lets go preparing. jimin, which one are you calling? jimin looked wide eyed at me. not only him, but everybody did. i said what?! why? wait... do u? HOW COULD U?! I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG! I - yoongi hyung got up fiercely and came inches away from me. SCREAM ONCE AGAIN AND ILL SHOW YOU WHAT HELL LOOKS LIKE! his eyes were burning with fire. in contrast, the rest of his body was stone cold. i was embarrassed. i got up quickly and ran to my room.
i sat at the edge of my bed, crying and drinking. why does my anger always win against me? why is my temper so bad? why? just... why? i couldnt keep it in so i took a long sip of the bitter beer and smiled. if appa and eomma were here, they would tell me to do better. they would give me hope things would change. they would tell me, that things will get better. they would help me. but they went. scenes flashed in front of my eyes. that day when they went and never returned from his house.. because... because of me. i did it. i should have never done it. just to pleasure myself, i sent them out. out and they never came back. so, to console my pain, i moved from busan to seoul to divert my mind in the noisy city. to hide between people. to fuck girls and then break my own heart. yes. i did not enjoy this. but, i did it. i had to. i had no choice. i cannot fucking sleep all night with the fact that i killed them. next to my bed lay a framed photograph of them. of my family. appa, eomma and my elder brother. he was nowehere to be found. ever since i left, i never heard of him. and then i took my wallet. i opened it. from there i took a crinkled picture of a girl. of my girl. of MY aera. she was gorgeous. with the prettiest, silkiest black hair and the golden skin tone. those beautiful, rosy cheeks with her pink nose. those glistening black eyes. she was my whole world. she was the reason i lived. i lost her too. she didnt die. she got engaged. we were so happy. we decided everything. but her parents saw me as nothing more than a loser. failure. and, behind me being here, doing music, she is the reason. i have the urge to prove to her parents and her, that i am not worthless. im not a failure. i can keep her happier. even if it takes a million years, ill go back to her. even after she has a family, im ready to go back to her. aera.. her name itself meant love. i drank and drank until i could take no more. i quickly phoned the girl i met online and asked her to come over. the boys did not question; they knew about this. they did not stop me either. maybe they didnt care. or perhaps they did. just, knew how much it hurts. for the next three hours, the walls echoed the sound of skins slapping and moans. no amount of sex could take away what i had w aera. no girl could replace her. jungkook, the girl spoke. what is it? dont you think we should take this ahead? take what ahead, i said. i noticed her hands slowly moving lower and lower. seduction. such a whore. you know, what we have. she looked into my eyes. i looked back, in hope to find my aera in her. nah. in no world was this bitch aera. i pushed her off my laps. you mean this give and take relationship? this relationship where you pleasure me and i pay you? oh you want more money do you? how much more you slut? i raised my voice. she sighed heavily. jungkook. just give me my money and ill go. i threw the currency on her face. i moved ahead and was gonna throw her on the bed again when she said, you know, i know what youre going through. about aera and your parents. you speak a lot when youre drunk. but jungkook, youve gotta let someone else in. not me, but someone else. aera is long gone kook. she is far off. she is married and has kids. she has moved on. you need to too. saying this she left. i grabbed her and threw her on the bed. YOU FUCKING DARE SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT. YOU SLUT. SHE LOVES ME! AND I LOVE HER! SHE WILL COME BACK! NO FUCKING HOE CAN REPLACE HER! SHE WAS DIFFERENT ! BEAUTIFUL. ETHEREAL. anger poured from my ears. she got up and chuckled. see kook. this is your fault. this big fat ego of yours. it drove your parents away, it took your brother and has engulfed aera too. in fact, even the real you is gone. now, only these boys are here w u. that too, only till they know who you really are. she smiled and left. as much as i wanted to tell myself she was lying, i knew she was being honest. only my hyungs were here. that too, for now. i cried myself to sleep. and met aera in my dreams.
